AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

@Dullhead

No, you don't have to toe the line.

You have a right to your own belief system - and you cannot be forced to mouth the words of another religion or belief.

Or do you think that we should all be forced to believe the same things?

Or are you happy that one group of people are allowed to harass and bully others so that they feel better?

well, this is where we're getting to, isn't it?

people are increasingly using LLMs or their own bizarre minds to post 'political agenda' rage-bait at various points on the subtlety spectrum... as well as bad actors and political agitators

causing readers to second-guess and view everything with suspicion.,

versus trying to have faith in the majority of posts in the hope of preserving the entire point of chat forums and responding them as if they are true.

because if it becomes so polluted with AI slop and political rage-bait, or even worse, that people start to increasingly perceive genuine posts as fraudulent...

we may as well all pack up and go home, because the notion of truth and reality will have gone.. and that also applies to Reddit et al

I'm not saying OP is not genuine, but I'm highlighting the meta issue of truth v untruth on social media that has become increasingly problematic over the last 4 or 5 years, but especially the last 1 or 2

I'm amazed at how many people think a 5 year old should lie to keep the peace, especially a 5 year old with ND. Being kind is a good thing but this is too far, teaching a child to lie to make another child comfortable is nuts

You are so so wrong.

The whole transgender idea has been cooked up by Transactivists like you and has no place in school, and no where else actually. It is as malign as anything can be especially when children are involved.

You are advocating bullying and coercion.

By dismissing it as nonsense and a silly rule is how I’d approach it

Thankfully my children don’t attend schools where you’d have this rule anyway and if they did - no doubt tip of the iceberg as to how shite to is

but yep, when it’s a daft rule, just privately dismiss and ridicule.

This is very rare, silly nonsense. I wouldn’t want my children to give it the head space.

Took the words out of my mouth here. She is a lovely, sweet girl who loves to please adults and get social reward. Being told she was being unkind really upset her and she has not long since fully calmed down about it. She has palilalia (as well as echolalia) and when I was trying to talk to her about it she just kept repeating "(her name) not unkind" while crying. I don't even know what to say to her at this point I'm just reinforcing that she was not unkind and did not do anything wrong. Given her needs she just doesn't understand, and when she gets upset reverts into these states like she just can't even comprehend what I'm saying. Its really upsetting and even moreso to imagine her being in this state in school when it happened. She was a state when I picked her up. This is what is fuelling my resistance to all of this is how they have made her feel knowing her needs.

School governor here.... in terms of taking things further - if thats where you decide to go - look at your schools complaints policy and also get an understanding of the LAs role in your school. (Most schools these days are part of an academy trust or a church group - LAs have little to do with them!)

You will need to follow the complaints policy which will likely say 1. Teacher, 2 headteacher, 3. Chair of governors what options you have beyond that depends on the structure. If you skip steps you will be redirected.

Focus your complaint on your DD and the impacts on her education/ ehcp NOT on the other child or your views on the topic.

Another wonderful comment thank you. Have screenshotted for reference. Hoping i will not have to take it further following the headteachers reply, but we will see. Thank you again

😂 wow.
Do you think transgender people enjoy being treated like shit by people like you? Or is it more likely they just feel like they are in the wrong body and trying to live their lives in peace?
You’re the bully for spewing hatred onto something that has no effect on your life whatsoever just because you don’t understand it.

Apart from anything ‘affirming’ a 5 year old, or any child, as being transgender is known to have lifelong adverse consequences. This is so far from being ‘kind’ it is absurd. It must be coming from the parents.

I did say in my first comment that I name changed. This genuinely is happening and I am posting here for perspective, I have used mumsnet in the past but never for things like this. I just can't believe it has happened and didn't know if I was overreacting. I feel in my heart that I'm not but didn't want to act on it without getting a second opinion. Not everything is fake, people still use forums for advice, as intended.

Op is this child on your child’s year?

We are talking about two five year olds being treated terribly.

Your transactivist, adult, moral blackmail and coercive pronouncements need calling out. Keep them away from children.

I would say, not your child should not basically be in trouble for doing something she didn't understand was wrong, but her behaviour is still not nice and it should be addressed. It is fundamentally not ok to say things which you know hurt people's feelings. Your child needs to learn this.

If one of her classmates were smelly, your child would be CORRECT to say this child was smelly. Hopefully adults would be working to address what caused him/her to be smelly. It still wouldn't be ok for your child to upset her classmate by keeping on saying she/he stinks.

This child is a boy and your child is CORRECT in saying he is a boy, but it is not ok for your child to call him a boy if it upsets him. Whether your child. you, whoever else, believes he should just accept he's a boy, have help/counselling to accept he's a boy, or be allowed to identify as a girl, it is not up to you or your child to make that decision so your child respects what the boy wants unless adults properly decide it is in the child's interests to be called a boy

The teacher is complicit in the abuse of the 'trans' child.
At 5 I wouldn't expect a NT, let alone a ND child to understand the ridiculousness of trans in children.

He is, yes. She is in a separate class from most the kids due to her ND, but today was allowed to mix with the other kids in the playground at break time so was the first time she interacted with him. Its very disheartening as I feel it has majorly knocked her confidence going out at break on her first time out, and going to school in general. I just feel so sad for her.

You cant be serious? Did you read that she has the mental age of a 3 year old? She is not going to be punished by me.

Have you seen the parents around out of interest?

first time ever seen the boy in a dress?

No. Keep your hatred away from children.
Jesus my 3 year old is kinder than you 🤣

How serious is her ND that she is actually separated from the NT children at break time?? This school sounds awful

there's no way a child under 10 has the cognitive, emotional capacities or learned life experiences to decide they are not their birth gender... and then puberty brings its own confusion

In terms of children changing their gender identity, the sciences of biology, neurology and development psychology disagree with your narrative

Adults or least > 16 years, will at least be able to approach the decision from a point of being a lot more informed

To influence young children's minds in this manner is simply deeply insidious brainwashing because it robs them of a future before they become old enough to have true agency to decide on it. Their path has will have already been dictated to by adults who have decided my 5 year-old girl wants to be a boy and when I encouraged them for the 100th time since they were 3 or 4, they gave in said yes to my agenda

Storing up a shit load of trouble for 10-15 years time when they realise they never wanted that and it was their parents crazy power trip

The twisted irony being is these adults were not subject to this when they were kids, they were allowed to grow naturally and become whatever sexuality or identity they decide... when they were fit and ready to do so.

Former school governor here. If you have to go down the complaints route, a word of caution about using 'I do not agree with it'. It could make you come across as dogmatic or fanatical. People feel what they feel, and feelings cannot be denied, whatever age they are.

So you think we should teach girls to lie to boys at their demand, appease them if the truth makes them sad? What a brilliant lesson.

It's all bollocks.

I wouldn't lie to DD, but I would probably do what another poster suggested and just explain he's a boy who likes to pretend hes a girl, so best not to mention it to him.

I'm not bothered by little boys (or girls) playing dress-up. When my DD was in reception, plenty of the little boys liked to wear the princess dresses from the fancy dress box, and one little boy came round to play and put on my DD's Elsa dress. Another friend's son chose to wear a dress to his own birthday party when he was about 6. They are all still boys though and there was never any question that they weren't!

It is the first time that I have ever noticed him in a dress, yes. Don't know his parents and not seen them at pick up as DD goes to after school club and I don't think he goes (have never seen him there)