AIBU to not force DD5 to use other child's preferred pronouns?

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

So today I picked up DD5 from school and her teacher told me that my DD had asked a little boy in the playground why he was wearing a dress. He said it's because he is a girl, and my DD, confused, disputed this and said "but you are a boy", which has of course upset him and now my DD is in trouble. Apparently he went to the teacher and she pulled my DD aside and said what she said was unkind and she needs to respect how other people describe themselves.

My DD has ASD and has only recently become verbal, school are well aware of this and she has an EHCP outlining her communication difficulties, with her mental age being approx 3 years old (in terms of where she is with development). My argument was that she has additional needs and has zero concept of transgenderism so she was not to know, and was also in no way unkind as she was asking a genuine question and not trying to be nasty. I imagine any 5 year old would be confused by this? I think if you asked a NT 5yo to use preferred pronouns they likely would, but still don't feel anybody should be forced into doing this or face punishment.

I did also say to the teacher that this is not something that is encouraged at home and we have never spoken about it. She told me that they are an inclusive school and everybody is to be accepted, and that from now on DD must use his preferred pronouns and call this boy 'she/her', she had said this to my DD at the time and she got upset because "that's not right" (my DDs words). I told her that I will not be enforcing this and will contact the LA regarding the matter should they pursue it in future, given that they are point blank disregarding DD's ND and EHCP, essentially.

Aibu here? I expect to get hate for this, and I'm really not trying to encourage any phobia regarding trans people, it is just not something I accept or feel comfortable with or encourage. I would never attack someone for being this way etc., but just feel nobody should be forced into calling a boy a girl and vice versa when they are clearly not. It feels really unfair and frankly bizarre that my 5 year old with ND is being penalised for calling a boy a boy. I don't think I need to take this any further but unsure what to do if anything happens regarding this in future? I did mention above I would contact LA but would they take the same stance as the school? I have emailed the headteacher about it but he has not yet replied. Please help, feeling stuck and idk if I'm in the wrong or not.

Nope, can’t be arsed
My children are happy and thriving
That is all I need to know
faced with a 5 year old wearing a dress, I’d probably suggest my children just tow the line, but ultimately that little boy IS a boy wearing a dress

@Craziesareoutinfullforce it was a school uniform dress?

This is something worth going to the school about - and being clear.

Your child is 5. The other child is 5.

A school should understand that 5 year olds believe in magical thinking, but they are starting to understand the consistency of sex. It's quite confusing for them and different children will have different understanding.

What they need is adults around them who help them understand the reality of the world they live in - not lie to them and definitely not adults who tell them to lie.

It's not unlike telling a child who doesn't believe in Santa that they are not allowed to say this to other children because it will spoil their fun - I don't believe a teacher would enforce this.

Stick up for your child. Don't allow a teacher to bully her into believing something ridiculous - would you allow them to force her to state she believed in God when that's not your family belief system??

A literal child being convinced he is a girl and wearing a dress?

batshit, a bit different if they were 16 or 18 and able to make an informed, self-determined choice

but as for telling young children they are a different gender than birth to the point they thoroughly believe it and want recognition from other children??

It's going to mess everyone up in the playground

the fucking HADRON collider has a lot to answer for

It was a uniform dress, yes. I noticed him this morning wearing it when we went in but didn't really think much of it and just thought it was kids being kids. Was just rushing to get to work and got hit with this at pick up.

the best approach is to say to your dd that some boys like to wear dresses and pretend to be girls, and that’s ok. Most dc couldn’t care less about whether their friends are boys or girls and whether they wear dresses unless the parents make a thing out of it.

The dress is not the (whole) issue. The issue is the OP’s daughter being gaslit by a trusted adult and scolded for not kowtowing to a belief system she does not hold.

Like I say, you need to read up on child safeguarding, but I see you “can’t be arsed”, which says a lot.

Yanbu. If you want to solve it for DD to make it easier, tell her he is a girl. Half joking.
I had a similar experience, the child was a boy, a beautiful boy with long curly hair. My DD kept referring to him as a she because of his hair. No matter how many times I told her that he was a boy, she refused to believe he was a boy. How is a five year old supposed to understand transgender politics.

Nearly 20 years ago, my DD was at infants school with a boy who wore a dress. Whether he believed he was a girl, I don't know. I asked her a couple of years ago whether she found it confusing that a boy wore a dress. She said that she just saw him as X (his name). There was no question then of this boy bring called 'she'.

Policy has moved on since then. In your position, OP, I would be saying to school that my child had met her classmate as a boy and that if she called him 'him', so be it. Small children shouldn't have to deal with the complexity of gender dysphoria, even if it does affect their peers, and parents shouldn't be put by schools in the position of having to have conversations with their DC about it. I would be prepared for whatever the school may do next because schools have to consider the good of all the children in their care, not change tge behaviour of the majority because of a minority.

Your obsession (and it is, i think even you’ll agree) is frankly out of control. You spend all day every day debating this issue on Mumsnet.

Hadron collider? Huh?

They are both protected characteristics given equal standing in the equalities act. Neither trumps the other.

The school will be trying to support both dc, and protect them both from being targeted for a protected characteristic.

Bloody hell that means the parents actually bought him a dress rather than just him fancying wearing his sister’s sequin dress that day

We need to get away from this “it’s ok for people to pretend to be the opposite sex and expect everyone to else to pretend too”.

Other people have rights and needs and vulnerabilities.

Religious people do not expect everyone else to share their belief and genderists should extend the same courtesy to sex realists.

This is the way im thinking and this is why i posted tbh as idk if im just to rigorous in my thinking. Im going to be honest I was raised very traditionally and as such just cannot accept this sort of thing. I dont bully/harass etc anybody who is transgender but deep down just dont agree with it. I understand my DC are growing up in a very different world to me and their views are likely to differ, but I cant bring myself to tell my daughter that this boy is a girl. It is the lack of understanding on her part as well given her additional needs, I feel doing this is just going to send her backwards and confuse her. This all sounds so awful but it is just how I feel. This is why i disagreed with the teacher, I am normally a very agreeable person but none of this sits right with me, and I am angry that she and her needs seem to be coming second to this boys gender pronoun preferences.

To keep the peace and not upset the child I’d just say something to my child like ‘I know they look like a boy but people can look different and they are a girl’ or something very basic to start with. I don’t feel like you need to go into the ins and outs of transgender with her yet.

I do feel a bit sorry for the child if the parents are pigeon holing them as trans at such an early age though. It would confuse my NT almost 5 year old too. His favourite colour is pink and he likes princesses along with tractors and hot wheels cars!

I would move her.

That would be lying, the boy is not a girl. Bad idea.

Exactly

and so just saying to your children lightheartedly “look, the school has its rules and you need to follow them on this occasion but we know the truth - it’s a little boy wearing a girl’s dress. Don’t mention it again to avoid hassle but… well, we know.” . Job done.

No they all have to wear uniform. I was surprised as well to be honest but again just thought it was a kid thing, certainly wasn't expecting all of this from a child aged 5

This. But that would be too simple, and missing a chance to trans bash.

Goodness me. Putting on a dress does not make you a girl. The truth is not wrong.

His parents are mad and are condemning their son to a life of hell.

I can add the /s in for you if you want?

Suspicious first post. There’s no way I believe this is true and think this is just a way to stir.

Kathleen Stott mentioned that lying to a child about this is something she would never do.