Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

Completely agree. Lots of excuses. Apparently having a baby, including a possible Csection will be easier to fit in and on everyone than a termination. Sorting out contraception again is too hard. Same for the genetic testing. But a potentially disabled baby, fine. I struggle to believe that people are so passive in their own lives.

No idea if this is applicable but in this scenario there can be family pressure not to have genetic testing.

OP said it was only suggested this week, so she hasn't got around to it.

You keep saying “ we “ didn’t get a vasectomy but it’s not a group effort, He can get one without you needing to hold his hand,

Where did you work previously? Can you afford another child? Are you able to work part time if needed?

Getting out of the house might help mitigate mental health struggles.

You describe your miscarriage as traumatic, even though you have had another child since. That must have affected how you feel about this pregnancy and therefore it IS affecting your mental health and your judgement. Even if you are told the GP won’t see you, surely it’s worth trying?

I thought you said it was very difficult to get a GP appt and would take several weeks??

You say you have no MH issues at the moment and that your 4 children, all of whom need extra support, are completely happy even with their extra needs. This sounds like the best your life can be, …….if only you weren’t pregnant and faced with this awful dilemma.

You are worried about your MH if you have the trauma of an abortion and you are equally worried it seems, about your MH if you have to suffer the trauma of giving birth.
So in terms of your MH, it doesn’t matter which option you choose. Your MH will likely suffer with either.

If you are able to have a termination, you have no option but to get over your MH problems asap, as you have hands full with four children all with extra needs to care for.

If you are able to give birth, you have no option but to get over your poor MH, as you will have your existing four children all with extra needs to care for plus a brand new baby who you know for sure has a good chance of having similar or even worse extra needs. It will be much more difficuit for you …and for your existing four children who will suffer in having their care and attention from you stretched even further.

Act quickly OP. You seem to be frozen with fear and indecision.
Phone BPAS for advice today at the first possible moment. You need their help and support. Don’t let fear lead you to drifting on in this state of indecision.
But please, put your existing children first.

OP you are getting a hard time on here but I think you really need to prioritise your existing 4 children. They all will need extra help into adulthood above and beyond your average child and that is not going to be easy to provide for 4 let alone 5 which is likely the reality without knowing the results of genetic testing.

An abortion of course will be traumatic but having a 5th baby with a likely disability and raising them alongside your other 4 will also be very difficult and likely harder as they get older and realise they are different from other children. Ultimately the decision is yours of course but do think about the needs of your boys in the future, not just now. Do you have people that will help support and advocate for them when you and your DH are too old to?

And a GP will fully support a referral for a vasectomy for someone with 4 children.

How is a woman 15 weeks pregnant with a potential 5th disabled child not an urgent appointment?

I would likely be given an urgent appointment if I called, i can’t just turn up and then lie and say im struggling with my mental health when im not.

@BellesAndGracesI didn’t say that. I said i am able to call or book online, but booking online is non urgent appointments only and usually for weeks in advance.

An abortion isn’t going to be as hard a recovery as birth no matter how far along you are - appreciate it isn’t easy but so much easier than bringing yet another child into the family.
At the same time, vasectomy.

Personally, I would have the aborton and then get my tubes tied. If you know you wont want anymore children, at lrast you know you haven't got to rely on a man for contraception or a vasectomy.

It is urgent, time is running out. If you tell them you are carrying a 5th child of what you think could be 15 weeks and you would like to know what options are open regarding an abortion. Time is of the essence

Oh my word. 4 children and all with significant disabilities - highly likely the 5th will be disabled too - this can’t be a coincidence.

OP your mental health might be fine now but will it be fine with 4 or 5 teenage boys, all with significantly challenging behaviour and learning difficulties, all under the same roof? Mine would be in absolute tatters. This is my worst nightmare tbh.

I honestly don’t know what I would do in your shoes but I know I WOULD be booking in for sterilisation ASAP. This is almost certainly a pattern that will continue if you don’t and life will be beyond stressful.

You've more than enough on your plate, I wouldn't continue with pregnancy and I'd get hubby booked in for the snip asap.

Yes and I said i’ll phone the gp on monday. I don’t think i’m 15 weeks I could be max 15 weeks but I don’t know how far I am exactly

You don’t know what to do? I’m sorry I’m speechless.

There was a family like this on our estate in the '70s, the Mustoes. There were 5 of them that would skip in descending height order down to opposite the corner shop to catch the mysterious "special bus". I have often wondered how life panned out for them.

How are you going to get around with 4 non walking children?

How much does your DH earn?

They are all walking except my 6 month old??

@breezyb7 Can you comfortably afford another child?

This is key. Right now it’s easy to bundle toddlers into a buggy, you’re only doing the school battle with the oldest one. What does life with 2 or 3 disabled adult children in wheelchairs, that don’t have the mental ability to navigate in public without supervision, look like? It will be impossible. Then there’s the question of school provision that won’t come easily or painlessly.

I know it’s not very nice but I feel so exasperated with these (very specific) cases. I used to work for the LA and we had a cluster of families locally like this - 4+ kids, all of them with significant disabilities (always non verbal and global development delay), all needing bespoke educations/taxis/social care packages and relentless assessments. Then just as we firmed up the plans for the youngest, the parents would get back in touch to ‘get the ball rolling’ with yet another toddler who was clearly disabled by their 2 year check. And then another.

The biggest family had 10 children all with EHCPs, her family was costing millions every year but her attitude to having children was very passive, she didn’t seem to understand the consequences of yet another baby (despite being very eloquent and intelligent in all other areas).

@breezyb7

OP, re your existing family, could you apply to Motability?

You may have done this already, of course.

Can you drive?

https://www.gov.uk/help-for-disabled-child/motability-scheme