Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

@breezyb7

Does the surgery take calls on a Saturday morning, OP? I'm wondering whether you could ring to book a double appointment for early next week.

If not, ring first thing on Monday.

You need the opportunity to discuss all the options available to you with your GP.

It sounds like you are coping reasonably well now but children with gdd and other difficulties grow up to be teens and then adults where navigating all the care they require as you get older is just absolutely awful. That's not to say they can't have happy and meaningful lives but the job of facilitating all of that is pretty overwhelming.
Obviously you need to do what's right for you and your family but it sounds like there's likely a genetic element to things whether you are aware of it right now or not and whilst a termination might feel traumatic and difficult it's balancing that out with how difficult things might be for you and potential child in the future.

How is it easier to talk to the GP on the phone than BPAS 🤔

My comment asking if you are related to your DH has been deleted. I asked because that is relevant to the current and future disabilities, not because I was being nosy! If you are related, genetic testing becomes an absolute and immediate necessity.

Anyway, you clearly want the baby, so I expect you will have it.

If it’s not an excuse, why mention it at all?
Yes, I suppose sometimes a GP may be reluctant to recommend a vasectomy. On the other hand, it’s much more likely that they would approve it for a father of four disabled children, a man whose wife is apparently unable to use any form of contraception.

You said you didnt know what you wanted from this post but you seem to have already decided you'll keep the baby and maybe go on having others as vasectomy isnt a priority for you or your husband. So you'd best start thinking about the practicality of where this child will be living when it is born, how you will manage getting the older ones to school and nursery, whether you will go to shops or have food delivered, whether you ever be able to take them all out for the day. The poor child is likely to have a very restricted life while you cope with their siblings even if this one turns out not to have development delays, something that seems really unlikely.

Once again you have an answer. Do you really think a doctor won’t perform a vasectomy on a man with 4 disabled children whose wife has suffered a traumatic miscarriage, and who is pregnant with a 5th child who is likely to be born disabled?

For a woman who doesn’t seem to understand genetics you know a lot of reasons for men not to be given vasectomies.

Instead of trying to get through on the phone, why don’t you go up to the GP surgery on Monday morning saying you need an urgent appointment? When the receptionist wants to know the details you can have ‘Unplanned pregnancy. I have 4 disabled children and am really struggling with my mental health. I need urgent help’ written down to show her.

Your husband can go with you on Monday and book in for a vasectomy consultation if you book a double appointment. A doctor is unlikely to refuse a man requesting a vasectomy who has 4 disabled children with a possible 5th on the way.

I find your posts really worrying OP, not only that you obviously want to keep that you seem really reluctant to take any action to prevent having any more. How many more children do you think you can cope with?

Best of luck op x

It’s easier to go to the Gp in the week than talk on the phone on a saturday when the kids are home? Surely that’s common sense

Where is your husband today?

@breezyb7

Can you ring today and book for next week, OP?

Some surgeries are open on a Saturday morning.

Surely your husband can watch the children for 10 minutes OP for you to take a phone call 🙄
Honestly the amount of excuses surrounding the vasectomy and making a phone call etc on this thread are insane.
Phone call- 10 minutes.
Vasectomy- 15-30 minute procedure.
Please do not take the piss and say that your husband hasn't had a spare 30 minutes since March.

You want the baby, just get on with it. This thread was pointless.

Perhaps your husband can take the kids for the 20 minutes it takes to call the GP? I am allowing 20 minutes as ample time

How old is your DH? You keep saying that you think the GP will say he’s too old for a vasectomy. Sperm quality deteriorates with age so that could be one reason all of your children are disabled.

I’m not struggling with my mental health though, my mental health is fine but i’m saying if it’s a traumatic abortion then it would affect my mental health. Besides I doubt lying would get me an urgent appointment. The phone lines often say if it’s an urgent mental health reason then to phone 111/999/whoever

I haven’t decided i’m keeping the baby either but it’s not easy to have an abortion posters seem to be ignoring that part or just dismissing it. it’s not that i’m firmly against an abortion and the miscarriage is probably clouding my view a bit

Soon the choice may be taken out of your hands. I think that's what you want, as your reasons why the GP may refuse an urgent appointment to a pregnant mum of 4 disabled kids are unconvincing. Even if you have great MH, the GP will give you an appointment.

You don't need a GP appointment. Book one in your local sexual health clinic to get a date on your pregnancy. I would imagine that if you were quite far along, you'd be showing pretty quickly having had 4 pregnancies in the past. So, hopefully, you are still within a window to terminate.
I wouldn't sit on it any longer because time is of he essence and the longer your wait, the faster your options will diminish.
I understand that you are worried about termination but however hard and medically complicated it may be, it seems like a better alternative than 5 kids with additional needs for the rest of your life. (Or even 4 + one "healthy" child who will still be affected by the needs of his siblings)

The GP isn’t open today to book appointments, just for ooh appointments and usually you have to phone on the day to get an urgent / same day appointment, otherwise you have to book in advance. I looked online and the earliest booking is mid october, I will ring the GP on monday morning

DH is working today until this afternoon so I can’t call anyone right now as it’s not easy to talk on the phone

I mean they’ll say he’s too young not too old

Age is only a factor if you have no children or have a medical condition yourself. Your DH has 4 kids so no doctor is going to refuse a vasectomy. He's not 19 with no children.

I urge you to consider how you'll feel when you're in your 40's with 4 teenagers with significant needs.

I can promise you late 40's / 50's feel different to late 30's. And your existing children will require a lot more of you.

I’ve read posts on here saying they have been hesitant to refer when they already have children but that’s not here nor there i’m not using that to justify why he hasn’t got booked in, we didn’t prioritise it because condoms have always worked for us and we were focusing on other stuff. I know it’s a quick procedure i’m not saying it isn’t but he didn’t get round to booking the initial gp appointment for referral because of what i said above

Why hasn't your husband got round to having a vasectomy? Were all the pregnancies planned?