Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

What im trying to say in my previous post is please think about your children you already have, some might develop but slower than usual while some might need constant care/ attention all day... just have a long think cause this isnt going to affect you and husband its going to affect the other 4 children you have

Oh wise up!

I gave her advice.... stop having sex and getting pregnant with children you cannot look after or afford and who will never be able to live independent happy healthy lives.
I advised her to be responsible for her own actions and to act like an adult.

Honestly how could me saying "there there, you couldn't have known, nothing is your fault...." possibly help? She is choosing to keep having extremely unwell children and refusing to use contraception.

OP sometimes it’s also thinking about how this will affect your children you have now, not just how you will cope.

I have one child with issues due to damage to the brain. Sometimes I think I took a right risk having a second but it happened and we were lucky she didn’t have any issues. And when they are very young you might get some sort of diagnosis and think you know what you’re in for - with brain issues, things can change with age. My DDs epilepsy didn’t rear its head until 7. I thought we’d seen everything - we had not.

I have been pregnant again since, I did not continue that pregnancy because that was a risk, and a third would have affected the care for my current children, and a financial strain. And affects things like travel, holidays, jobs. Nope.

child 1 is approaching 18. She’s not going to live independently. I have had to learn to drive and find a flexible job that allows me to jump at the drop of the hat if she needs me. DHs job offer flexibility too because I can’t expect my employer to just let me muck about like that all the time. Finding jobs like that is gold dust.
School have brought me on trips because they don’t have the staff to do 1:1. College is next year because she isn’t ready for the world, and I don’t know how that will work out because it’s further away. That’s 1 child I need to consider.

Oh OP that sounds very hard but sounds like you're a great mum to your kids. I dont think anyone on mumsnet can answer this question for you. Could you speak with a midwife? Maybe they can refer you to counselling to help you make a decision. I know abortion is a tough decision and one you may or may not want to make. I would speak to a professional for some support. Try to get some rest and look after yourself and get some good support around you x

Were you using condoms on the previous pregnancies? Lots of holes in all of your condoms, otherwise 🙄.

I don't think it would be fair to bring another child into this situation. That'll also be the 5th child you will potentially claim DLA for, then PIP once they turn 16 and then the 5 lots of disability element which is added to UC (hopefully hubby has an extremely good job which finances your family).

Yeah...no. Use your commonsense and get hubby snipped.

OP, as difficult as a termination would be, the physical effects would be difficult for a limited time.

As for the mental, I don’t know how I would feel unless I actually had to have a termination, but I think in the circumstances you describe I would think about how another child would effect the children I already have and mine and my partner’s ability to care for them properly.
Another child is for life and has life long consequences for everyone.
For me, the termination would be difficult and upsetting for a limited time and not effect everyone in the same way. I would look at getting therapy to cope with the loss afterwards. (I don’t mean to offend anyone, just saying what I would do in these circumstances.)

@breezyb7 you are in a horrible situation and I feel sympathy

However, if you were my sister, I would sit down and point out...

• yes a traumatic abortion is a possibility. But at the end of it, there isn't a child to care for.

This is important because you clearly have had difficult births with cesareans, so looking after your 4dc and newborn while recovering from the birth is also going to be traumatic

You already have 4 children with significant needs. The chances are the next child would too. You are only one person, your dh is only one person and and bringing another child in to this situation is irresponsible. .

The fact that you haven't had genetic testing is also important because it means you haven't looked at the situation head on in the clear light of day. 100% of your children are disabled to a greater or slightly lesser degree and the prognosis is unknown. Until you can look at the situation and not need to hide from it, you have no right to bring another child into the situation. You don't know all the permutations, and you haven't taken all the medical insight you can get for the sick children that exist.

None of this is to say that your much loved children are a mistake. You clearly love them very much. But you sound scared and you can't be fully aware of their future care needs because they are so young. You need to start looking at things with a clear(er) gaze.

I didn’t post to be told to keep the baby but i also didn’t post to be told im an awful mum and accused of things that aren’t true

We didn’t have unprotected sex, we used condoms. I can’t go on any contraception because each of them gives me issues but like I said condoms have worked up to now which is why i’m so blindsided. I could understand some of these responses if we actually were having unprotected sex but we weren’t

I can be anxious about a traumatic abortion and anxious about an un straightforward birth and nicu stay for a baby, both can be true at once.

It also doesn’t make us selfish not to have booked a vasectomy because we were prioritising other things. Condoms worked up to now so we didn’t think there should be a rush? Plus due to his age the gp may be hesitant to even refer him, i’ve heard of that happening. We aren’t selfish for not going ahead with genetic testing yet either as we only got that info this week amongst other info that we need to take in. We haven’t declined it and they told us to go away and think about it

And just because our children have disabilities doesn’t mean they aren’t happy, they are. And they’re all currently healthy, being delayed doesn’t mean they aren’t healthy?

I don't know what "auto posting" is, but I don't think autocorrect is going to uncorrect a word like bachelor (I deliberately stuck an extra L in there and it was corrected btw)

Ok then, you are doing everything right and have no responsibility at all for the mess you are in.
And literally no contraception other than condoms will work for you. And your husband is too busy to do the admin for a vasectomy. But not too busy to have sex.

I’m unsure as to why you posted as you have an answer for everyone’s advice. You’ve also stated you don’t know how far along you are. You’re max 12 weeks as you’re 4th child is 6 months and you had sex at 3 months.

Its your choice to bring a 5th disabled child into your life. It’s your choice to have an abortion at 12 weeks. It’s your choice to have genetic testing. And it was your choice to rely on condoms instead of getting your tubes tied at baby 3 or 4. It’s not your choice for your husband to have a vasectomy, and you certainly can’t make him.

My advice is to get an abortion, your tubes tied and genetic testing. My view is it would be madness to bring a 5th disabled child into the circumstances of your 4 children.

You’ve stated your mental health would suffer from an abortion. Yet you’ve endured 4 pregnancies, 3 c sections, of which 2 were emergency, and your miscarriage resulted in an erpc. So going ahead with a 5th pregnancy, likely c section followed by another disabled child is entirely on you.

I would have no hesitation in having an abortion no matter how far along. I know for certain I wouldn’t cope with 1 disabled child let alone 5.
My friend has two boys that are like your eldest, so not the extreme needs of your younger ones, her life is terribly difficult and gets all the worse the older they get. Prioritise your existing children would be my advice, and take steps to stop it happening again.

@breezyb7

OP, I think that you need to focus on action now, rather than just swirling things round in your mind.

I suggested seeing your GP ASAP, but other posters have suggested contacting the BPAS.

Which of those options is most suitable for you?

I'm conscious of the possibility that you may not have very much privacy at the moment.

OP I've been shocked at some of the responses on this post. As you say, just because a child is delayed doesn't mean they aren't healthy and happy. And just because a child has a disability doesn't mean they don't have a right to life. Those opinions are completely beyond the point.
I think for your mental health I would come off this post. Get yourself a cuppa, try take your mind off things for now. When you feel ready after the weekend, contact your GP/ midwife and discuss your concerns with them. Take it slowly. There's no rush for a decision right now. Look after yourself

Well you're golden then, aren't you...

(can someone help me prise my eyeballs back from inside my forehead please)

You have to also consider what will happen to your children after you have both died. It may seem and hopefully is far away. I don’t see resources for people with disabilities getting better anytime soon if ever. Due to the strain on services is anything they may go backwards.

This reminds me of a family from when my DS was at primary (now aged 25). They had a child with autism, ADHD, and other disabilities in my DS's class. And another child a year younger with similar challenges. And another a year younger... every single year they had another child - about 9 by the time we left the school - and sadly all had disabilities. And the mum said "I don't know how it keeps happening, but I'm pregnant again." And every one of them had financial support (which they needed due to their disabilities) so neither parent worked so they could care for their DC and spend time procreating more.

I can’t quite understand what you want or why you have posted to be honest? Have the baby /don’t have the baby. You have been given lots of good advice on here, I think people are frustrated as we can all see the inevitable car crash of you having the baby, it seems you so desperately want to keep. No wonder this country is in the mess it is when there are people such as yourselves placing yet another burden on the already overstretched resources. Possibly 5 children in one family needing additional support in school/hospital/community! And we are all meant to wring our hands and wish you the best. You are either selfish or stupid or both.

Your kids may be happy now as they’re very young. You have no idea what adolescence and adulthood will bring for them. Likely less opportunities and happiness than their peers. Seems selfish to bring another child into the world that is likely to have some kind of disability.

I’d be about 15 weeks max, not 12. I had a “period” in july but it was mostly very light and not like a period then it stopped for a few days then started again.

The fact we had time for sex but not to book an appointment for a vasectomy isn’t relevant, kids sleep? But when they aren’t asleep the GP isn’t open and like i said the condoms had worked up to now so it didn’t become a priority for us, and like I said the gp may be hesitant as they often are in some cases. Our 4 DC were planned so it’s not like we had multiple unplanned pregnancies but still trusted condoms.

I think talking to the gp would be better rather than calling BPAS, the DC are all home so it’s not easy to talk on the phone

WOW. The genetics taught in schools doesn’t nearly cover the genetics of ASD etc. In any event this is only recently becoming mainstream understanding.

We have three boys and ds2 was diagnosed with autism at around 7 years of age by which time DS 3 was already 3 years of age.

It’s highly likely that at the time of baby 4 being conceived that they did not know the extent of issues the other children had. Only that there may have been evidence of delay with baby 2.

Do you not recognise that your excuse "the GP may be hesitant as they often are in some cases", as a reason not to consult about a vasectomy, is absolutely ridiculous?

I can’t imagine any GP being hesitant to vasectomise someone with four disabled children and expecting another tbh.

Its not a reason not to consult the GP, i’m just stating that in a lot of cases they don’t want to give vasectomies and some gps have made comments to the man about what if their relationship breaks up and they want another with another woman. It’s not uncommon, then with age etc they sometimes don’t want to eother

I didn’t say it’s an excuse though i’ve already said we didn’t get round to it because we were happy with condoms, because they were reliable up till this point