Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

HNRTFT but I personally think you should look at your other children and how having another child will affect them.

But there is no real reason to believe it would be. Yes, it would be sad, but I think you would be comforted by knowing you had done absolutely the right thing for your existing children. You just can't possibly split your time and attention satisfactorily in five different directions, all of them would lose out including the new baby.

On the other hand, having to look after five disabled children could well harm your mental health.

Thank goodness for the taxpayer, hey OP?!

Not 'pro' LIFE?
Are pro life people really VILE?

To know your child is adopted into a family who want and will care for them would be compassionate, for you and your baby. A thought to consider.

Some men have their vasectomy during their lunch break.
Get an appointment with you GP or health person

It only takes 15/20 mins at lot easier with a local anesthetic, it is free.
it is a lot less complicated than a general anesthetic having your tubes tied.

However, condoms must still be used for many 4 month until the third test, to see if there is only blanks.
Have DH do it this next week.

So in the last 12ish months, your DH hasn't had time to book a vasectomy, you haven't had 5 seconds to remind him, and your DH hasn't had time to have a 30 minute simple procedure, in 12 months.
How the heck do you think you'll have time to care for yet another disabled child?

Don't be so selfish OP. Think of your existing children. If you really want to give them the best start in life, which i imagine involves countless appointments, therapies, and homework from the therapies, don't take yourself away from them by adding another child.

Vasectomy!
(as many have already said). Straightforward and quick. Why not?

OP, I am so sorry you are in this position and facing a difficult decision.

Personally, for me, I don’t choose to be a hostage to fortune. By which I mean if I didn’t actually want and choose to become pregnant I won’t be having a baby.

I have had 2 terminations following a conception that happened even though we didn’t have PIV sex, and another where ‘not without contraception’ was forcefully over ridden.

The process itself was not fun but in no way physically traumatic. I had no lasting emotional reaction at all.

I am sure you are a fab Mum to your 4 children.

In your shoes I would find out on Monday how many weeks you are, and personally I would not increase your family size when you have 4 lovely kids who will need a lot of your support as you go on.

Thinking of you.

I’ve read your post and updates before re reading your post.
My advice is to find out how far gone you are first, and read up on the termination process in the meantime. This will help you come to a decision.

Yes you all need genetic testing whether you like it or not. This will help determine the course of future treatments for the kids whether those are currently existing treatments or new ones that may come on board in the future. Also if and when your kids get old enough to have a relationship of their own, you don’t want them to risk a young pregnancy without being aware of the outcome. I’m no expert but it seems obvious from the description of your children’s very complex disabilities that there is a genetic component at play.

Your husband needs a vasectomy like yesterday. Presumably you don’t want another pregnancy after this so he needs to book in asap for one and make the time. Don’t forget it takes months to confirm that sperm are no longer being produced so this isn’t a procedure that he can do today and be in the clear next week.

Feel free to come back and post, you are not being judged.

I used to be very much against abortion.

I fell pregnant earlier this year after condom splitting and taking the morning after pill the following morning. It was traumatic and I had many regrets at first but now looking back, it was the right thing to do.

Youngest toddler ds has suspected hypermobility and a severe allergy . At the time, he was also being assessed for immune disorders.

He can’t be left unattended and needs constant hand holding outdoors. Also won’t be left with relatives (I’m a lone parent to him).

Alongside the financial struggles, it would have been a catastrophe.

Looking back, it astounds me that i was doubting my desicion at the time but I put it down to the early pregnancy hormones (I was only 4 weeks).

Im praying for you. Also I would not terminate at all. I had a bub last year with Down syndrome It was a huge shock but honestly things happen for a reason. I didn't want any more as my plate is full. Well God had other plans. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and this bub will be fine. Get the genetic testing :)

I'm not going to advise on termination or not OP, but I would say don't go for a pregnancy because you are scared of the termination process. A child is for life.

I would definitely have an abortion. But of course its up to you.

Generally the risk of mental health disorder post termination is lower than the risk of mental health disorder post partum. Same is true for physical complications.

If you really don't want to terminate this pregnancy then don't, but your concerns aren't based in reality. The concerns expressed by many about the wellbeing of your existing children I think are based in reality.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

if you’re past I think 6 weeks, there’s not much difference between an abortion and an erpc through miscarriage. I had to have en erpc at 12 weeks too and it’s traumatic, and yes I bleed for weeks after too, but it’s manageable. A lot more manageable than giving birth and having another life to nurture and care for under the extreme circumstances of 4 children already with additional needs.
Your DH needs a vasectomy ASAP.

No. It wouldn't.

Adoption fucks children up. It is traumatic to be taken away from your birth mother. Growing up knowing they were unwanted and given away destroys children's self esteem. Adoption is a last resort when parents want to keep their child but are unfit. Just giving a baby away like a puppy because you didn't want them from the outset is diabolical and DOES ruin their lives.

Abortions prevent all this suffering. It is compassionate to prevent suffering.

You can refer yourself to BPAS, they will do a scan (you can ask not to see the screen) and calculate your gestation and you can go from there. It’s important to establish ASAP what your options are so you can make an informed decision. They ca also discuss and give you contraception, you said the coil made your periods heavier sounds like that was the copper coil? The hormonal coil has been great for me

I understand your worries about a difficult termination. I had a late miscarriage and my hormones went ballistic for a couple of months after. Weeks of heavy bleeding, nausea, rolling from grief to anger to indifference to sentimentality: it was a lot!

Thing is, a fifth birth WILL be difficult. All your existing children were distressed before delivery, none has been straightforward. Their impairments seem to be getting progressively worse: your poor fourth child looks destined for quite severe disabilities and probably significant discomfort, if his myelination doesn't pick up 😢

The pattern suggests a fifth will have even more difficulties and the birth be highly distressing for you. Added to which, you'll be weighed down with worries about your four at home while you're away, and likely have to leave them often to be with the fifth in hospital.

You're facing an upsetting choice either way. One of these choices means some weeks of discomfort & misery. The other means a lifetime of stretching yourself too thin to meet the needs of five disabled little ones.

It sounds like both pregnancy counselling and genetic counselling will help you. Do the first one NOW, and don't delay the second. As contraception's problematic for you, it'll be safer to get sterilised - you can discuss options with your counsellors and medical teams as you work through these processes.

All the best

The majority of sensible women would have.

I’ve had a termination. It was hard but it was for the best for me. Wishing you the best on your own journey.

Putting your other children’s needs to one side, have you been given professional medical advice on whether a pregnancy is safe so soon after your latest C section? I think that’s the immediate question you need to ask and you probably need to understand how far along you are to get a complete answer.

I'm so sorry everyone is shaming you. You seem like a lovely and dedicated mum. I think you already know in your heart what the right decision is. Trust your instincts. Your child is already here. It's too late to undo that.

Why have you posted this? Did it make you feel superior?

Hi OP,
From your messages it seems like your head is all over the place which is completely understandable. Some of the replies are harsh but I think people are trying to get you thinking with your head rather than heart. Whatever option you choose is between you and your husband.
I’ve never been in a similar situation to you but the fact that you came on here to ask makes me think that you want convincing one way or the other.
Your life will likely get incredibly more stressful with an addional baby, not only because of additional needs, but all of your children are young, which can be tricky enough.
I hope you manage to speak to your GP ASAP to discuss your needs and options logically- lots of love to you.