Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

Why don’t you go on the implant if you didn’t get on with the coil? There are loads of contraceptive options…..

I mean, that’s a small risk that most parents would be more than willing to take to ensure that the children they currently have are prioritised.

@breezyb7
Have you contacted BPAS yet?

BTW just because you contact them does not mean you have to have an abortion.
They will be able to date the pregnancy and tell you the options quicker than waiting for the GP.
You have to get the pregnancy dated as a matter of urgency, then you can work out what to do from there.

If this was true then surrogacy would be illegal. Adoption can be a beautiful option. I believe in transparency with adopted children and giving them the option to find age appropriate information about their biological parents.

I believe most parents who give their children up willingly, do it out of nessesity. Not out of malice.

Op, I wish you well. Your dh needs to book vasectomy right now. It is to late for this pregnancy, but please do what you can to prevent the next one.

A possible positive thing of genetic testing is that, you might be able to find other parents that you could potentially connect with. Get some tips on how to manage things.

My middle son has autism, with selective mutism. I missed it, as he used to grab my hand and point to stuff. I thought he was just a stubborn child who liked things, the way he like it. I told myself he will grow and learn the way of the world in his pace. His nursery teacher took me to the side and said something is not right here. And asked if she could send referrals for him. By the time the asd diagnosis came he was 5 almost 6 years old. The referral was sent before covid. I presume covid delayed things, for you.

Anyway, at the end of the day, abortion is a woman choice. Not a straight yes or no. It is not something you have to do. I support women choice. Do what you think is right for you.

You have too much on your plate already and it wouldn't be fair on you or your children to bring another little life into this hine.

I think you shouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy.
X

Lets be honest, as sad as it is, the chances of this child being healthy seem pretty slim. Dont add more stress to yourself, husband and other kids.

And definitely do the genetic testing. As the bery least so that your kids can be informed when they get older if they are in the position to do have their own kids etc.

You are in a difficult situation without this accidental pregnancy worry, on top of everything you must endure. I’m sorry.
You and each of your children are struggling very much as it is. You must need a lot of help already to get through each day. And when you wake up in the morning, you and they face the exact same struggle and worry.
It’s enough to overcome that.

My feeling is, that it’s absolutely imperative for you and your partner to dedicate your lives to raising your existing four children in the very best way possible, so that they can can become as happy and fulfilled as possible.
It’s them you have to think of now. They each deserve that from you.
You have to split your love and attention in so many directions and you are already exhausted.

It’s not surprising you don’t have the strength to confront the reality of the genetic issue you are being forced to accept.
All four of your babies show strong signs of needing extra help in life. My take is that a fifth is very likely to be the same. Most mums would be stretched beyond their functional ability already with four.

Don’t let things drift on OP. You are already spreading yourself very thinly.
Act decisively and confidently, as soon as you can.
Think what’s best for your living children.
Only you know the limits of your own body and your own strength. x

Always alarmed by " things happen for a reason" logic.

“If this was true then surrogacy would be illegal.”

Surrogacy is illegal in many countries for exactly those reasons.

Me too.
’Things happen’ so that individuals can use all their judgement, based on their own experience and values to make the correct decision in order to keep functioning for the good of themselves and those who rely on them.
‘

I have a Bachellor degree and was never taught about genetics in school, particularly autism. Ridiculous comment.

OP most Mumsnetters don't like children. The majority don't even seem to have children. And what they dislike even more is somebody with more that 2 children especially if they are on benefits. You need to talk this through with your dh. Only you as a couple can decide. Wishing you the best.

You can't spell Bachelor....

Genetics is covered in GCSE science.

OP ive read your updates and still have no idea how you thought having child 3 and 4 was a good idea when you already had 2 children, 1 of who is delayed..... I literally dont get it. How do you fund all this with only your husband working? What is going to happen to your children when youre too old to care for them?? Why on earth would you even consider having another child who would likely not be healthy? Why would you do that to another human being?
Your picking your temporary fear of an abortion over introducing another extremely ill child to the world???

And you havent had time to get a vasectomy but are relying on condoms? Why not abstinence? Grow up.
This is the most disgustingly irresponsible attitude to parenting ive ever seen. Your poor children.

That's a new one. There are very many MNers struggling with disabled children.

Ooh an extra 'l' that autoposted. So I can't possibly have a degree 🤣 What if we didn't do science as a subject?

Vanishingly unlikely if you went to state school and ended up at university.

Quite unlikely in private.

@Bababear987
Really unhelpful post. Do you enjoy punching people when they are down?

How about showing a bit of empathy and giving constructive advice about her current situation to a woman who is obviously spiralling

Actually I went to school in Ireland and we got to pick our strongest/favourite subjects for the 'Junior Cert' which is similar to GCSEs.

Why should it be some other persons responsibility to take care of OP mess. Maybe OP should grow up and take responsibility for her actions which includes paying for her kids, and being responsible about her reproductive health.

You didn’t have to do Science? Is it not a required subject in Ireland? How odd.

I’m sorry you’re in this difficult situation. I think you’re letting your spiralling thoughts and emotions get in the way of making the best decision. It’s a very human trait, especially when you’re in the middle of a crisis. You need to put aside the possible short term outcomes and think about the future and what is best for you and your family. I realise that’s a bit woolly, but realistically nobody here can tell you what to do. I hope typing it onto a screen has at least helped you order your thoughts.

Some of the judgemental comments here are an absolute disgrace. Calling the OP selfish and lacking intelligence and accusing her of various things that are simply made up. Those posters should be ashamed of themselves. I doubt it though. Anyone who could make some of those comments to a woman in such a difficult situation, lacks empathy and simple human compassion. I suppose you all must lead perfect lives and make perfect choices.

Adoption is an option not encouraged enough. Most adoptees are relieved to be alive. I am sorry OP that you are in this situation. I am sure you are a caring mum.
Vasectomy as others have said. All the best.

I’m confused by this. After our disabled son was born there was no way that I wanted another child. I was determined to focus on my non disabled daughter and my disabled son. EHCPs and additional support was wholly inadequate for his needs so I spent hours teaching him each day. I sent him to Drama 1:1 lessons and did drama with him to get him to speak ( he had hypotonia / latency delay etc) We paid for 1:1 swimming lessons and pt sessions to improve motor coordination. We paid for SALT to supplement the SALT provided under the EHCP. There was no way I could have another child and burden my non disabled child or divert attention from my disabled child. To me, it seemed selfish. The thought alone is a huge contraceptive. As things worked out my daughter did well and got a first at a Russell university and my disabled son is at university with support studying something he loves and has an ASD interest in. My point is that your kids need a lot of support and you are already dividing that support. It’s just not fair as they won’t achieve their potential. Also the cost of my sons social care as an adult is £50,000 per annum plus all the additional costs eg pip , taxis to and from university . He will have a life time of need and when we can no longer partly care for him his care costs will shoot up to circa 100,000. Plus he has his universal credit and pip. He will need housing. I am conscious that he is a huge drain to society. My daughter will do genetic testing before having kids but would be happy to adopt.

Genuinely bonkers that you don't have to do science in Ireland. Wow!!! You learn something new every day. Well here we are, this is what happens when you don't do science....

I think even cavemen would have worked out to stop shagging by now.