Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

Sorry but I wouldn’t keep it.
You have enough on your plate. Not one of your kids is typical and will require extra support for life. What will adding another do for you, your relationship or your existing kids that is remotely positive. Are you able to work or live normally as it is?

Would you consider an abortion OP?
Your situation is extremely stressful with all of your DC having additional needs, it is not going to get easier with a fifth child.

You might as well go ahead and report my post before I've even written it ....

It already sounds like you have FAR too much going on.

I'd imagine a lot of us are holding back.
I do feel for OP, but it's maddness to consider keeping this baby.

I don’t know, it depends how far along i am and how straight forward the abortion would be, the miscarriage and erpc was traumatic and recovery was hard and took a lot longer than it should’ve bleeding wise

My head is just spinning hence posting here to get my thoughts out i guess

Sorry op but with four likely rather disabled children already you’d have to be mother Teresa herself with a hearty bank account and a very helpful dh to even consider going forward.

Not helpful but I think you were crazy having number 3 and 4 by considering the needs of 1 and 2 or are you hoping for a caretaker child?

I had a termination recently due to still being in the depths of PND with a 1 year old and 3 year old. Contraception failed and also didn’t know how far along I was. I was 8 weeks when I terminated.

I find life incredibly hard anyway, I have depression, anxiety, inattentive ADHD and OCD.

All I will say is, if you are looking into abortion, my experience with MSI was awful from the minute I stepped into the clinic on the day of the procedure, they really fucked up and 2 weeks later, I ended up in hospital having another operation after being very unwell for 2 weeks.

Just remember, what you do is completely up to you, it’s your choice and your body.

I am still sad that we couldn’t keep baby, I do have days of regret but I know deep down it was the best thing to do for our family at the time.

Will your husband now get a vasectomy? Once you have decided what to do with this pregnancy, this should be yours and his top priority.

You need to get your head straight, arrange for a termination asap and move on.

You owe it to your existing children.

100% termination and then vasectomy.

Selfish bloody husband has had years to get round to it. Don’t have another baby with a man who treats you like shit.

There is no way on this planet id be keeping this baby given everything that is going on in your life already.
I would also heavily advise you do the genetic testing. A diagnosis could make all sorts of differences that you don’t about until you do! Different treatments and support etc.

First things first, get your DH to book that vasectomy.

After my DC4 was born in NICU at 31+4 DH got himself to the GP for the referral - procedure done 6 months later. Almost ten years later and we are relieved. I would absolutely hate to be in your situation. I have two with additional needs.

Please think about the 4 DC you already have.

Well, I wouldn't have the baby and I would get genetic testing.

Why not call BPAS and get some counselling? They can advise on how far along you are and also on how traumatic it might be.

You need to prioritise your existing children. Another baby in mix would be detrimental to them all. Your husband needs a vasectomy asap.

If you were a character in a book, most readers would be screaming in frustration for you to take the obvious path, termination, vasectomy, and testing to get your children the best treatment possible. You aren’t a book character though and we don’t get to choose for you.

For me personally, I would be having an abortion and getting my tubes tied. If you knew you didn’t want more, and you have children with significant issues already, you probably could/should have done this earlier. But it’s up to you whether you want another, your body your choice after all.

And get the genetic testing so the doctors can give specialist advice and treatment for your existing children please. It’s important

I understand that you probably want to keep the baby but it’s really hard with children with additional needs and I’ve found it gets harder as they get older. I’ve got two children, one sen and one not Sen. And the primary years are hard as they need to much more time than when they were little.
sorting out all the diagnoses and all the extra school stuff, swimming lessons, getting out and about with one bolter, the long term lack of sleep, the food issues don’t end. I’ve only got one with Sen and plenty of support but it has changed my life and it’s not the same life as most parents experience.
We decided not to have a third years ago in case we had another with issues as I would really struggle.
Im sorry you’re in this situation

My friend was offered genetic testing for her child. The idea was to understand more about what may have caused her child’s problems (not to make anyone feel guilty) and also to help them decide about any future children. I suppose this is beside the point now, as you have more immediate concerns, but I wouldn’t dismiss the genetic testing as pointless.

Please do the genetic testing, gene therapy may be(come) available for your children. The younger they can start it, the better. Don't have a fifth child, don't have sex until he gets the snip.

Are you doing any long term future care planning? I hope you're really rich and can afford therapy for yourself on top of everything the children need.

Find some reliable contraception is my advice.

I'm guessing OP was hoping for a girl 🙄

OP please think beyond the young age of your children right now. This gets really tough at teens and young adulthood, and the care for them then.

if it’s truly the fear of the termination then you have to weigh up a week or two of bleeding against that