Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

I can’t comment what you can do about the current pregnancy as I’m RC by birth and find abortion hard to suggest. However for goodness sake just stop having sex until you have a permanent solution eg vasectomy .

I would never call your son ' a drain on society'- that is what PIP and UC is for- but you have clearly had to work very hard, and sticking to two seems a sensible decision.

Incredible achievement that he made it to uni. Well done.

We did all subjects in first year/y1 and then we were able to drop one or two from what I remember. The reason I dropped science is because I wasn't good at it & hated the teacher. But I'm 42 so things have probably changed since then. We 'had' to do English, Irish & Maths but could choose between the others - Music , art, history, geography, science, Home Ec, Business Studies. It was such a relief to drop it getting away from the horrible teacher.

Sorry to derail OP

Utterly irresponsible to keep having children when you are aware of genetic issues. I simply dont believe you that you aren't aware. How cruel to knowingly saddle your own child with difficulties/additional needs. When is it enough for you? Clearly you are very fertile given how quickly you have had kids in succession, so knowing this and neither abstaining or getting a vasectomy is beyond forgivable. I would be furious if I was your parents/relative, each new kid means less time and support to the original ones and when you factor in their complex needs, I honestly have no words.

What's a "bub"

People don't just "get pregant"

It’s not the case of DH not caring or respecting me enough to go through with a vasectomy, neither of us have got round to it life’s been busy with appointments/DS2 school transition/hospital stay etc and yes before posters say you chose this i know, and i’m not complaining.
That is truly selfish. Both of my children have genetic disorders. Although I wouldn’t swap them for the world, it is awful seeing DS go through so much distress, between physical differences with peer, two year vaccination schedules, constant battling on illness and mental health issues.

Im sorry you're in this predicament op, I would honestly in your shoes have an abortion you have so much going on a fifth would be ridiculous.

In the meantime you must use reliable contraception, or just abstain altogether.

What is it that you want to hear op?

The students are taught science as a subject in school. It is a core subject of my children’s school up to junior cert/gcse
Then you can choose the option of chemistry, biology or none by choosing a totally different subject for your exam in the leaving cert.

I don’t have a degree but I definitely learned about science.
My daughter is doing her leaving cert/A levels in phys/chemistry as a merger subject.

Seriously you really need to strongly consider an abortion. Another disabled child is likely and you are struggling with the 4 you already have. Your husband needs a vasectomy before the pair of you ever have sex again. A permanent fix of your contraception is years overdue.

You need to think long-term OP. At this point in time you have 4 children, all with high needs. Are any of these children, going to be able to live an independent life? In that I mean, will they be able to work, live away from home, have a relationship, get married etc? If the answer is No, then you need to think beyond now. That means you and your husband will be caring for all 4 children for the rest of your life, until doing so becomes impossible due to age and/or ill health. Then what?

Realistically, they all will have to go into residential care, and possibly split up into different ones.

You now want to add another child, who is likely to have high needs as well. For the sake of the 4 children you already have, please don't add a fifth child.

You either need to be sterilised or your husband have a vasectomy as an absolute priority.

Well, maybe the genetic condition OP refuses to find out about is sex-linked, and #5 could be the healthy girl they need to look after the others when her mother's no longer capable. (I'm assuming her father and his libido will have fucked off to a smaller household sometime after #6.)

I can see why you'd be reluctant to abort if you thought that was a possibility. OP needs all the help she can get.

As for genetic testing I have personally gone through this and provided blood samples for the hospital geneticist. My youngest was born with a rare condition and genetic testing was offered and we grabbed this opportunity to find out more. He is otherwise well and had corrective surgery as a baby but we still needed to know if the condition could be passed along.

Knowledge is power as a parent. Please think of your children who rely on you both OP. They all need you. The appointments are for providing information to you both. It's not for criticism. Grab this opportunity with both hands.

OP please get yourself some medical advice on your options asap - either through BPAS (likely the quickest option) or by calling your GP. You need to know how far along you are to understand your options, I think that will really help you.

If you go for a dating scan and they know you're considering a termination they won't show you the screen, so please don't let that stand in your way.

You have such an awful lot on your plate, so think very carefully about your options. You talk about a difficult abortion making it hard to care for your existing children but from an outside perspective it's really hard to see how that could even come close to how hard it would be to add an extra baby into the mix, let alone one with additional needs (which it seems there's likely a high risk of?)

However hard it is dealing with your children's additional needs now, let me tell you that will only get more challenging as they get older. The teenage years are so emotionally demanding.

And tell your dh to make that call re a vasectomy immediately.

I wish you all the best.

I think you are in real danger of being in a similar position next year of saying I’m pregnant with my 6th.

I would personally find out how far along you this morning and then get urgent counselling with BPAS they are open on weekends. I think you need to consider the long term implications of carrying on with the pregnancy, how is your life going to look in 5, 10, 15 years…

Your husband needs to book the next available appointment with his GP to start the ball rolling for the snip, he has to make time for this to avoid this happening again. You surely won’t want to risk another pregnancy regardless of what happens now? I would get him to make an online appointment now

you started this thread saying you don't know what to do, but clearly you have already made up your mind. The excuses make no sense - termination would be more traumatic and wouldn't let you take care of your children, but CS and a long NICU stay with a poorly baby would be just fine? Adding another high needs child seems to concern you lot less than heavy periods due to coil?

It's your life, posters can't tell you what to do, but I don't think you will be finding too many here who think keeping the baby would be a great decision.

Not too busy to have unprotected sex though. You’d be stupid to keep this child, it absolutely doesn’t seem to be the right decision for your family at all.

Bit of practical advice coming up for you now from me OP....
If you haven't already, get in touch with your local Carer's Centre and get an adult carers assessment done for yourself and your DH as you're dealing with 4 disabled children on a daily basis. It will eventually take it's toll. You can get access to support services including respite.

I can't even imagine how you cope with the needs of the DC you already have. Your DH needs to get vacectomy asap. Personally I'd have an abortion for the sak of your other DC. I'd also get the genetic testing because if they find a defective gene there might be some kind of gene therapy they can give or treatment it should at least give reasons for your d 's disabilities. I foster DC with similar issues to your DC and I can tell you it doesn't get any easier as they are teens. I think you need to find out how far along you are asap. An abortion is easier if the pregnancy is less advanced.

Are we reading the same thread? Or am I hallucinating?

That keeping the baby is the right, sensible decision and her existing children won’t at all be even more pushed for support than they are t present. Also, that’s her and her feckless husband are not responsible at all for their own poorly managed, completely irresponsible, piss poor contraception.
Nor should they have to be, cos of…..reasons.
Think that’s the gist of it.

if she gets her tubes tied they will snip him but not the other way around, sterilisation carries far higher risks than a vasectomy so doctors feel if husband has had the snip why risk it? But the other way round they will as vasectomy isn’t anywhere near as risky, i was refused sterilisation because it said in my referral that my OH MIGHT also be getting a vasectomy, i asked the doctor to take that bit out and resend it.

You also need to see how all this is going to impact you as you get older. Maybe you have the energy to cope with all this now. But caring for SEN children turns into continuing care when they’re adults. Sounds like at least two of your children are unlikely to be independent as they reach adulthood. Your role as mother and carer is probably going to continue til the day you die. Another reason why you don’t want to potentially add another one to the mix.

Some of us can actually show kindness & empathy to a person. We're not all nasty pieces of work.

Hi, OP sorry your finding yourself in this situation, my 2 children both have an ASD diagnosis, both attend SEN schools, im now pregnant with my 3rd child but theres a 10 year gap between my youngest and this pregnancy as i wanted to see how both children were going to develop/ if any at all hence why the big gap... we always wanted a 3rd but were at the agreement if they were both at the stage where they needed constant supervision help all day like they needed when they were younger it wouldnt be possible, but the last few years theyve developed amazingly! Theyre both so independent now, but if they were still so needing of us we wouldnt of been because its hard and we didnt want them to not have our attention and focus when they were still developing