Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

If you opt to terminate and you're waiting for your husband to get a vasectomy then a copper coil which has no hormones is a very effective method of contraception.

In your position I would choose to have a termination. A fifth child would be a lot for most families and the fact your existing four have significant levels of need means that it would be very hard whether this baby has the same condition.
I would also opt for genetic testing, as mentioned above gene therapy might be an option depending on diagnosis. A diagnosis for your children would also help you plan for their care needs and future

I'm sorry OP, it all sounds like so much to manage.

I can't comment on what to do with this pregnancy but I would absolutely get generic counselling so that you can at least know if you/your partner and children have a genetic condition or just pure, rotten luck.

Are there are developmental issues with your wider family?

Also sorry to ask but are you by chance related? Cousins or something?

Yeah, me too.

I didn’t even clock the genders. I mean girls do make the perfect careers after all 🙃

I think I would've stopped two disabled children ago.

Please have an abortion and get genetic testing for your children so you can find how best to help them. There's no way anyone can manage 5 disabled children alone, or even 4 for that matter.

Honestly, as painful as it is, I would terminate. Its not fair on your living dc, who need lots of your time and attention. I have 4dc under 6 and I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have 3 with additional needs and then have another baby.

I’ve had miscarriages and a tfmr before my last dc, so I know how hard it is.

We didn’t know DS1’s needs, he wasn’t delayed in anyway, he walked at 13 months and said his first word at 14 months, then he was dismissed as just being clumsy and then autism was mentioned but then I was told he couldn’t possibly be autistic etc, it wasn’t until about this time last year that he was referred for an assessment and we didn’t know DS2’s level of needs at the time

No of course I don’t expect any children to care for eachother beyond the normal sibling relationships and no i’m not hoping for a girl, those are ridiculous assumptions from 2 posts on this thread.

Logically, as hard as it would be to terminate your pregnancy, it sounds like this has the potential to add to your already huge load. Your children need you, another baby, even one with no additional needs, would take a huge amount of energetic from your current children. Get to the Dr and date your pregnancy first in case this isn't an option however. Get that vasectomy booked in ASAP regardless of your decision.

Regarding the genetic testing, it would be useful for your children to know surely, so that if they are in a place to have children one day (perhaps unlikely but not outside of realms of possibility) they can make an informed and educated decision based on these genetic findings. It's likely you and your husband did pass something down statistically, but you didn't know so don't see it as something thar coukd make you guilty for life: if anything ignoring this is something to feel guilty about.

Idk how you managed to have 3 & 4 with all the issues and attention your first 2 require. considering a 5th is just madness and imo irresponsible

In your shoes, zero chance I would keep the baby in these circumstances

Get the genetic testing. Some conditions eg metabolic related have treatments. Others can give you things to look out for. You have four with SEN . Most likely subsequent dc will also have complex needs. Do you have resources network support for another?

I don't think the genetic testing is an issue. If the baby is fine it is still a baby and will need a heck of a lot of attention,. Attention that will be diverted away from your current 4 children who need all of you now. not just a bit of you when the baby is asleep.

It sounds like your DC are are needing all of your time and you are already stretched beyond. Personally in your situation I would consider abortion. You mention that you aren’t sure you could cope with it but the flip side is how will you cope with another child, even if they don’t have any health issues it will a huge stress on you. Sadly the odds are that any further children you have will be impacted in some way health wise and I really think you have more than enough on your plate. Ant trauma attached to an abortion I suspect will be dwarfed by the trauma and impact of another child in your already full family life. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but you really do need to think about long term impact on you , DH and your existing children.

What does your husband do? Can you support another child? I’m sorry, things sound so hard for you my love. I’d have an abortion and be booking his vasectomy at the same time. You’ve done enough xx

Call the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) here. https://www.bpas.org/
They won't pressure you into a termination. They will just advise you and let you know how traumatic it might be. The decision will be entirely yours.

You must get the genetic testing. These tests are not offered lightly, and they are not to blame you, but to help you make good decisions.

Can’t imagine why you would keep this pregnancy.

whatever you decide to do regarding your pregnancy, I wouldn’t be intimate with husband again until he’s had the snip.
I can’t believe your paediatricians haven’t done genetic testing already ? I would certainly push for this.

So sorry op, you have such a lot on your plate

Agree with others adding another dc to this situation would sadly be a disaster for everyone. You must see a hcp to discuss your options and get your dh to book in asap for a vasectomy.

Bit late now, but no more sex until vasectomy. That should speed things up from his point of view.....

Sorry OP, what a shock for you.. All up to you but goodness me, not sure a good idea for another with your own issues and those of the children. You have a lot going on.

I’m all for women’s choices- personally I couldn’t look after 4 disabled children and add another in the mix- that’s just me. I have 2 non disabled children and I feel I am at my limit of giving them everything and the life I want them to have.

But the question is can you? I’m guessing you’re writing on here as you’re struggling with the idea of a termination. I’m sure you already are but you can get DLA for your 4 children and carers allowance so money will be ok. That’s a positive because kids are expensive and it takes financial pressure off you.

If you do keep the baby - that’s ok - you have 4 and another you’ll be absolutely fine. I presume your life revolves around your children as it is.

My best friend got pregnant with her 4th- they were having severe financial problems and still are but she doesn’t regret keeping her baby at all.

No judgement from anyone on here- they have no right to judge. Do you go to church? They are fantastic- we have the most amazing Baptist church near us who do a lot for women in similar positions .

It’s up to you if you want to keep the baby but you, I personally think, have too much on your plate. He needs to get the snip as soon as possible and still needs to use condoms until he has been given a certificate saying he is not producing.

Op, there are other non hormone options out there for contraception, the diaphragm with condoms for example, coupled together and using safe time sex, will be much better than just condoms.

With regards to bringing another child into the mix, I really would not. Your priority should be to those children that you have already.

To be honest, in this day and age, I would not go beyond 2 children, for many many reasons.

OP, have you considered a copper coil? That should have zero impact on your hormones or MH and is very effective.

I work with a woman who has 5 children, and every single one of them has additional needs. I wouldn’t have had a 3rd, i know that.

5 kids without additional needs is a tough ask. 5 all with various levels of disability will be so difficult to care for.