Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

You are an unbelievably selfish individual. There is no possible way you can provide the proper care to your 4 children you have, and now you are worried about your mental health if you have an abortion. Your poor bloody children.

Every time you post it’s all about you.

You've clearly had time to have sex though and risk a pregnancy. It's a very poor excuse.

To be blunt, you have already done genetic testing, experimentally.

She doesn’t deserve reassurance? Everyone does. I’m not sure when an unborn child holds such little significance that they don’t deserve a punt.

I am pro life which many posters hate. But I completely respect that women have the choice. If the op chose an abortion I wouldn’t say as a pro life she shouldn’t have reassurance or advice on getting an abortion.

"a punt" is a very good word to use here. It is indeed like a gambler who has only lost, but believes that next roll of the dice will be the lucky one.

If you respect that women have a choice, how are you pro life?

All right. In that case, have the baby, hope for the best and pray you won't have any more hospital stays/ appointments with this one.

Not much more to be said, if you think an abortion will be more traumatic than a 5th disabled child, and genetic testing is pointless. No one can convince you to even call BPAS, so it's unlikely you will take any suggestions, except from the lone poster with 5 SEN kids.

@breezyb7 If DH respected you he would have made having a vaesectomy a priority. Did he at least book it?

This absolutely. There’s no way I’d be bringing another baby into the world all factors considered.

I have 2 daughters. I had to alter my views. But there is still a bit of pro life in me. I don’t think pro life equals pickets outside abortion clinics and I don’t believe a woman should be told to abort because it’s selfish not to. I think every bit of support should be given to a woman who wants to keep her unborn baby.

Strange response . She may have been hoping for a healthy child but it's unlikely she will get one sadly .

OP asked what she should do. That's why people are responding the way they are as well as the fact it is AIBU.

I'm very pro-choice but if someone asks me what I think they should do in a situation like this then I'm going to tell them what I honestly think they should do.

If someone wants to keep her baby in very poor circumstances, fair enough, as I said, I'm pro-choice but it doesn't mean I have to think it is a good choice, especially on here when asked.

We used condoms everytime we weren’t risking pregnancy unintentionally, We have used condoms inbetween pregnancy and ttc and even before DS1 and they were reliable we had no reason to believe they wouldn’t now.

We first had sex at about 3 months pp, I have had periods but they haven’t been regularly and some have been extremely light and almost not like a period if that makes sense, then i’m on my period and it stops for a day or so then restarts. So i don’t know. I think my last was in july but that’s not accurate to working out how far along as ive only had around 2 since giving birth (end of April, Beginning/middleish of July)

We can book gp appointments online if they’re non urgent like for 3 weeks to a month but for one closer we have to phone the surgery to book or write a message on the website for a call but that’s not always reliable as sometimes there’s issues with the system
Phone the surgery and say I need to discuss a termination urgently.

I’ve never been offered my tubes tired with any of my c sections although only one was planned and we were talking about a vasectomy after youngest was born in march but we havent got around to it with DS2’s primary school transition and then DS4’s appointments we just sort of put it on the back burner and didn’t prioritise it
Ask for your tubes to be tied.

Posters saying you wouldn’t have had 3&4 isn’t helpful, what do you expect me to do, give them away? Send them back?
No but you do everything you possibly can not to keep getting pregnant.

The coil didn’t agree with me either and it made my periods heavy and much more painful I couldn’t do my day to day things the pain was that bad. We were using condoms and they have been reliable for years bar when TTC of course and we weren’t using them. I don’t know how far along I am I only took a test due to having odd symptoms
Go to the doctor and say this method of contraception is not agreeing with me, I need something else as I already have 4 children who require extra care and I can't possibly bring another child into the mix.

Very gently, OP, there do seem to be a lot of reasons you are too busy to do things like a vasectomy, but not too busy to add a 5th child to the mix, a child with almost certain significant needs. When my fourth was a newborn, my husband had a vasectomy a couple of weeks later. The procedure took 15 mins on a Friday afternoon. He was back to work Monday (admittedly not a highly physical job) and he didn’t need to spend the weekend in bed or anything that would make ‘being too busy’ a valid reason to not have done it. I’d strongly suggest he sorts this now and doesn’t just rely on the possibility of you having your tubes tied.

In that same way I get to empathise and hope someone can offer something kinder than “terminate or you’re a bad mother.” I assume some people can do that and not give it a second thought but I also believe it breaks some people. If the op is broken then her kids might just end up suffering anyway.

There are many people who think like you. I don’t ever want to get to the point I’m calling a woman names and saying her only choice is an abortion. I won’t even comment on the vile, my taxes shouldn’t pay for your mistake, have an abortion!

Sometimes stating the truth even though someone may not want to hear it is the kind thing to do.

You’re so concerned about a difficult. Yet you don’t seem concerned about the potential lifelong impacts of another disabled child on your other children and the quality of life of that child, or the serious potential complications with another complicated birth. Why is that?

OP, also consider how the support available to your children might change in the years to come. The early years now are the easiest part- you’re younger and less worn down by years of advocating for and providing care for multiple dependents. The political and economic situation currently is a worry. If there is a change in government there may well also be changes in policy and spending on SEN services and support. Something to consider.

You need to do what’s best for you.

However, with regards to contraception you could have a copper coil which does not have hormones in it ? I’ve had this for years.

I agree. But delivery is key as well. You can be honest and have a bit of empathy for the op. If the op was all for an abortion and people were giving advice I wouldn’t even comment on here. But that bit where she says she’d struggle to do it if she’s at a certain point, very few people acknowledged that. Because she’s a woman and can just get rid of it.

Thats where I think pro choice wasn’t even part of the conversation. It was one choice or she’s a terrible mother. No one is being cruel to be kind in those cases.

@Star81 It really makes the most sense for her husband to have a vaesectomy (also the most reliable).

I don't have empathy for people who have made poor choices and seem to believe that life just happens to them, if that makes me 'unkind' then so be it.

I do have empathy for her DC.

Your family faces a very difficult future OP and I would not bring another child into it if I were you. You might be coping with things well now, but as women we often do cope very well, and often for a long time, but that does not mean you will cope in future, especially when your kids get older and bigger. Life could get a hell of a lot more difficult than it is now.

Also is your partner able to take care of them by himself? If something happened to you would he be able to look after them?