AIBU to wonder if I am neurodivergent and burnt out at work

[RosaXx]

In recent years, I’ve wondered if I am neurodivergent. (some examples for context:)

• Struggled with insomnia and anxiety since childhood. Around age 10.
• Sensitivity to noise. I can also pick up on noises, such as beeps and buzzes that other people around me can’t hear.
• Dislike being in crowded places and can become extremely panicky and stressed.
• I have been told I have a very serious face, even when I am happy or enjoying something.
• My school reports were “Rosa is a pleasure to have in class, is intelligent but needs to contribute more”. I would never contribute in class. I preferred to observe and stay silent.
• I am a hoarder. I find it very difficult to part ways with things. Even clothes I do not like and haven’t worn in years.
• I struggle with time keeping in my personal life. No matter how much I prep for something I am always running late by a few minutes and flustered when leaving.

Anyway, I have worked in corporate roles for the past 10 or so years. I believe I interview very well. Despite my anxiety disorder I can fake confidence very well. I have been offered the job for every interview I have attended. I have very good IT and admin skills, great attention to detail and my colleagues often ask me to check their presentations for any mistakes and feedback.

However, I feel like I really struggle within this “world”.

• I hate any type of “mingling” and networking. I can’t do it. I can’t go and chat to random people. I often have to excuse myself and hide in the toilets at any type of thing like that. I prefer to be alone.
• Same with “team away days”. I feel they are pointless and have even rang in sick to avoid going to them. I hate them. I panic. I would rather sit by myself in the office and just work rather than play games and listen to presentations that I can’t concentrate on, because I can hear other people breathe, cough, take a drink etc.
• After work I am mentally exhausted. It is a struggle to get changed or cook a quick dinner. Sometimes I go straight to bed and just lie in silence even though I cant sleep until 3am.
• I sit through countless meetings which are pointless. Or meetings about an upcoming meeting. Everything could be so much more simpler in an email. With clear short instructions. At the end everyone says how helpful and insightful they are. But I just sit there thinking “WTF is this?”
• I feel I work best when I do work from written clear short instructions. I panic with verbal instructions and often follow up for clarification via email.

Although I enjoy my role and do think I am a good worker I am feeling more and more tired or “burnt out”. I feel I may not be compatible with this type of work, but what else can I do? Administration in corporate has been my job for my whole adult life since leaving university.

Is anyone similar to me and do you have a diagnosis for ADHD/Autism? I am not sure if a diagnosis would help or change anything but I am curious.

I realise this may be very very long so thank you if you have got this far.

We don’t have private health at work.

Now please leave me alone.

Fair enough that makes sense. It’s the lack of parameters that throws you off. My sister is AuDHD and late diagnosed and she struggles with that (unless she’s had a drink).

If you ever need to mingle in future I’ve found the best topics are the stupidest. Two of my favourite are ‘what do you call a bread roll’ and ‘what’s your favourite crisp flavour’. That’s not what you asked bUt it might help in future. They really get people going.

You are not crazy, I've thought this about myself for years now. I struggled socially as a child really badly. I remember teaching myself how to have a conversation before I went to secondary school where I didn't know anyone and it could be a fresh start, I'd practice for hours.

I can't focus on much at all but when I do focus I can get anything done extremely quickly and efficiently (I decorate rooms in less than a day because when I stop I won't start again, often not eating or drinking until it's done) unfortunately I can't really choose when that will happen.

When I was a kid I would have meltdowns at home, huge explosive meltdowns where I felt completely out of control of myself, they were scary and exhausting. I thought I was a freak and didn't understand what they were.

I have diagnosed OCD and have many obsessions which could be related to that or to possible ASD/ADHD. As well as contamination stuff I do things like watch the exact same programme every night for months on end. Any change from the norm makes me feel extremely uneasy, almost panicky. When I've been in crowded places I need a LOT of time to decompress.

There's more stuff than this but I've bogged your thread down enough.

I dunno, maybe it is just a variation of "normal" but it really does seem very hard just to get through life.

I was very quiet at primary school. Probably silent. People chose me as a friend. I was never bullied. Everyone in my primary school were nice but if my few friends weren’t there or they were playing with other people I remember just hiding in the toilet at lunch time because I was scared to play and talk to others.

Things got better in secondary school. I made most of the friends I have now at secondary school. Was still quiet. But my best friend is very loud and outgoing so we kind of compliment each other personality wise.

University was hard. I was diagnosed with GAD the year before starting. My flat mates were nice but I struggled to make proper friends. I think I was too quiet. I would join in on nights out but when it got too crowded or busy I needed to go home. So I think a lot of others thought I was boring. But I went to a local university so could see my friends from school too.

I like my job. I like the tasks, inputting data, writing reports, analysing the data etc. I am creative too and love art, so I always volunteer to make a presentation as I know I can make them look nice and engaging. My colleagues are really nice, I get on with them. As I love art and beauty I’ve always thought I would perform well in beauty, but I have worked corporate since leaving university, and whenever I go to the hairdressers or nail salon I find it awkward to small talk so I panic and think maybe beauty won’t be for me.

You sound very similar to me! (Apart from the decorating🤣 the smell of paint is too much for me I can’t cope with it so please can you come and paint my walls!)

I remember talking in a therapy session about possible OCD because sometimes I can become obsessed with thoughts, and patterns and having to do the same things over again etc. But they told me it was probably my anxiety making me feel that way.

And yes I would have outburst at home too. I was perfect at school. I get very distressed easily but I think it was very upsetting for my parents to see me like that when I was younger, so I tried to hold it in when I could so I wouldn’t upset them.

Yes crowded places! They are too much for me and I need to find the toilet when I am out and about just to have time away for everyone.

It is nice to hear how other people struggle the same way and I’m not a freak.

I'm AUDHD and that all sounds like me. I have burned out and can't work full time anymore

Like others I would say you are describing social anxiety disorder, not ADHD. Still significant and requiring support and treatment, and yes it can also lead to burnout.

I agree some of social anxiety symptoms. E.g: can’t cope after being in crowded places for a long time. Hate small talk. Just don’t know what to talk about if we are told to “mingle”, I’d rather go somewhere and be on my own than chat to strangers. Hate eye contact. Don’t like hugging or people being too close to my space.

But then if I go out and need to speak to someone and know what it is I need to say I’m not anxious. I’m actually quite confident when I have a plan and know what I’m doing. E,g: asking for help in a shop, needing to go the post office/bank/etc. I’m fine in public places that are quiet and spacious, I like being outside.

This.

But then is my struggle with sounds, smells and textures social anxiety? Is my hoarding and messiness due to social anxiety? And my time keeping and rushing? I don’t understand 😞

so many people have told me it’s because of my anxiety but 20 years of getting help and medication for anxiety disorder yet I still struggle with these parts of my life and feel like an alien because of it. I don’t understand. no one is helping me become
more normal

I feel like I am going crazy with people saying try for a diagnosis and other leople saying it’s because you have social anxiety. My diagnosis is GAD generalised anxiety disorder. I feel like I am going insane all the time because why do I feel so different and like an alien. Even when I am calm and not anxious I still feel different. 20 years of help and I am still a weirdo

I'm sorry some people have been rude or dismissive of you in their posts.

I think you really might be correct and it's really worth chscking it out.

For what it's worth, I did the assessment linked earlier.

I got 7.
Partner got 5.
ND friend got 42.

Hope you get the answers and support you are looking for.

The thing is… your GAD is still very much alive and kicking, and you say the meds and therapy you have tried haven’t helped.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what you mean.

I hope things improve for you @RosaXx . You sound exhausted and unhappy.

Thank you, I appreciate the kindness. What did you mean in the other post please? I just didn’t understand what you meant 😞

Some of your list sounds like me, some of it sounds like my 9yo dd. She was diagnosed with autism in March, I am undiagnosed.

The thing that stood out to me is struggling to take information in verbally. To hear dd speak, you'd never think 'autism', because her expressive language is actually more advanced than her peers. But I've just had her SALT report back which puts her between the 2nd and 5th percentile for receptive language. Processing spoken language, particularly in an academic environment, is where she struggles the most. When accompanied by visuals, or written lists, her understanding shoots up.

Many other posters have said what I was going to suggest so no point repeating and you have dismissed so as I say - I hope you manage to find peace

Simple verbal instructions like “Can you email X that report over?” or “Can you send me a list of X please” are fine, but when it’s things that take more than one step, or quite complex then I struggle. I tried to take minutes in a meeting once, but just totally crashed out because too many people were speaking fast and contradicting one another it was chaos.

When things are written down simply I work so much better and feel a lot more relaxed and work a lot better.

I hope she receives support in school for where she struggles the most x

I’m sorry I don’t want to sound stupid but please can you explain what you meant? I have read it again and still don’t understand. I’m not sure how my GAD relates to some of my other symptoms but if you know how please can you explain because I just don’t understand and am feeling very frustrated 😞

No.

All the best

I don’t understand why people are being like this 😞

I just want people to explain what they mean. I find it really dificult when people don’t explain what they say.

I am very upset as I genuinely don’t understand what you meant and feel very confused and stupid.

Can anyone please explain if they know what @Dullhead means by: “The thing is… your GAD is still very much alive and kicking, and you say the meds and therapy you have tried haven’t helped.”

I really don’t understand what they meant and would really like to know. I understand I have GAD but all the help I have received and research I have done nothing suggests that it is my GAD which causes my hoarding, messiness, time keeping, sensitivity to smells, sounds and crowds.

My research suggests possible neurodivergence but many people on here have said it’s just anxiety or social anxiety. I don’t understand how. Please can you send me the research. I would very much like to make sense of myself because I am exhausted.

20 years of different help for anxiety. But nothing will help how I struggle in other areas of my life.

It is very upsetting feeling like an alien. I am smart. I have A levels. And a first class degree. A good job that I do well in. But when it comes to understanding people I can’t. Like this poster. I need people to clearly explain and clarify and now they say no it is confusing and upsetting

I think they are trying to suggest that if your GAD has been untreated and unmediated then that’s the likely cause of your other symptoms. But as you’ve identified, that doesn’t explain a lot of them very clearly so you can probably ignore this opinion.

I completely understand you feeling frustrated and like an alien, I did too before my diagnosis. Speak to your GP.

You sound like me, OP, right down to your school report! My irritating noises are ticking clocks and electricity buzzing. I have anxiety and am an introvert. I work with animals. Despite their large size (cows), they are a lot less intimidating (and draining) than a similar-sized crowd of people!