AIBU to wonder if I am neurodivergent and burnt out at work

[RosaXx]

In recent years, I’ve wondered if I am neurodivergent. (some examples for context:)

• Struggled with insomnia and anxiety since childhood. Around age 10.
• Sensitivity to noise. I can also pick up on noises, such as beeps and buzzes that other people around me can’t hear.
• Dislike being in crowded places and can become extremely panicky and stressed.
• I have been told I have a very serious face, even when I am happy or enjoying something.
• My school reports were “Rosa is a pleasure to have in class, is intelligent but needs to contribute more”. I would never contribute in class. I preferred to observe and stay silent.
• I am a hoarder. I find it very difficult to part ways with things. Even clothes I do not like and haven’t worn in years.
• I struggle with time keeping in my personal life. No matter how much I prep for something I am always running late by a few minutes and flustered when leaving.

Anyway, I have worked in corporate roles for the past 10 or so years. I believe I interview very well. Despite my anxiety disorder I can fake confidence very well. I have been offered the job for every interview I have attended. I have very good IT and admin skills, great attention to detail and my colleagues often ask me to check their presentations for any mistakes and feedback.

However, I feel like I really struggle within this “world”.

• I hate any type of “mingling” and networking. I can’t do it. I can’t go and chat to random people. I often have to excuse myself and hide in the toilets at any type of thing like that. I prefer to be alone.
• Same with “team away days”. I feel they are pointless and have even rang in sick to avoid going to them. I hate them. I panic. I would rather sit by myself in the office and just work rather than play games and listen to presentations that I can’t concentrate on, because I can hear other people breathe, cough, take a drink etc.
• After work I am mentally exhausted. It is a struggle to get changed or cook a quick dinner. Sometimes I go straight to bed and just lie in silence even though I cant sleep until 3am.
• I sit through countless meetings which are pointless. Or meetings about an upcoming meeting. Everything could be so much more simpler in an email. With clear short instructions. At the end everyone says how helpful and insightful they are. But I just sit there thinking “WTF is this?”
• I feel I work best when I do work from written clear short instructions. I panic with verbal instructions and often follow up for clarification via email.

Although I enjoy my role and do think I am a good worker I am feeling more and more tired or “burnt out”. I feel I may not be compatible with this type of work, but what else can I do? Administration in corporate has been my job for my whole adult life since leaving university.

Is anyone similar to me and do you have a diagnosis for ADHD/Autism? I am not sure if a diagnosis would help or change anything but I am curious.

I realise this may be very very long so thank you if you have got this far.

I am academic and have a great degree from Cambridge and a PhD. I can’t and don’t sleep well. I hate socialising except with my husband, children and a few very dear and old friends. I like my dogs and horses. I like board games and reading. I can watch the same tv shows over and over and same with listening to sitcoms. I like some holidays but hate planning or organising them. I can’t be late but I can chuck my clothes on the floor for 3 weeks. Certain things must be tidy - other things are ok. I don’t like plans changing. Diagnosed last year at 50 Plus as autistic and ADHD. Scored very highly for both.

You sound very similar to me. I am formally diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I’m puzzled about the introverted comments from PPs.

Yes I was thinking the same thing about the sounds
that other people don’t notice. This is certainly very noticeable for me (I am AuDHD).

You have a solid group of lots of friends… you presumably socialise with them?

Do you holiday alone?

I just think you sound like you have anxiety around meeting new people

has worked picked you up on this on appraisals?

Cambridge and a PhD is amazing!

Yes I prefer to watch the same TV shows and films over again. Sort of like a comfort show.

I can’t be late but I can chuck my clothes on the floor for 3 weeks

I am embarrassed to admit I have an ottoman with a months worth pile of clean clothes on it. I don’t know why but just don’t have it in me to hang them all up.

I hope your diagnosis has been validating for you.

I definitely agree that I am introverted. I much prefer to observe and listen then join in with a lot of conversations.

But I also think that I must have some sort of neurodivergence too.

My partner can be similar but he just has social anxiety, esp with people he doesn't know at all, or very well. He copes actually by avoidance or if he has to go, just tuning out - which can make him seem unfriendly. He says he can't think of what to say and he starts to stutter too.

But, put him in a room of a few of his friends or likeminded people and he's absolutely fine. What are you like with people you know?

Yes, try and go out for dinner or have girly nights in with my school group of friends.

Never holidayed alone. But it is on my bucket list.

Im not really anxious around new people when I know what to say. I just struggle with small talk, and prefer much deeper conversations. I really only panic to the point of anxiety when it’s in a professional setting and there is expectation I perform.

I have always had really good appraisals. No negatives from management.

I’m fine with people I know, friends and family. And colleagues on a day to day basis. They would probably describe me as more on the quiet side, I’m not loud or extroverted.

Who do you holiday with?

so if i get this right… you have a lot of friends and socialise very regularly. Friends from school.

You don’t struggle socially

you only struggle in a professional setting BUT this has never been picked up on on any appraisal or mentioned before

correct?

There is plenty in the Op that is typical of neurodivergence. Eg marked sensory differences, the strong preference for written instructions, coming home exhausted but being unable to sleep til
3am. And in particular the fact that the issues are since early childhood. However, it is not enough info to be sure it is not an anxiety disorder.

I have 4 children all diagnosed at different ages and struggling at different levels.

My eldest, who would ‘fit’ your profile and what you describe as personality traits was the LAST to be diagnosed at 27 because she has coped (masked for a lot of it) through school, university and demanding work roles. Her GP referred her due to family link and that probably where she’s been diagnosed as anxious, she is actually ND.

Id say information is power and you’ll learn a lot about yourself through the process regardless of the outcome.

Do you think every ND person is completely isolated with no social interactions at all? It sounds like that is what you're getting at with your comments.

I hate mingling too! It’s fine when you know someone, I just chat and I would be very friendly. But something like a wedding and having to talk to different ‘randomers’ would make me a bit anxious. I love my quiet time in the evening too.

Well, when I can afford a holiday I holiday with my best friend usually. We enjoy city breaks. And every couple of years or so go with family for a resort type holiday so, parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Have holidayed with my mum, aunt and cousin for a girls trip a few times.

I socialise with my best friend usually. We have similar working hours. The rest of friends maybe every month or 2 months when we can all arrange a day.

I don’t struggle with relaxed social interactions generally. But I do struggle in other areas of my life due to anxiety, I can get major health anxiety. I feel pretty exhausted after being social, as much as I love my friends and family. I need alone time. I struggle with keeping on top of my flat. Paying bills. Struggle with self worth and my weight.

I am a good worker. I am able to work through struggled and produce really good work. My appraisals have always been positive.

There will be an adult diagnostic pathway in your area and you have a right to request an assessment though there will be a long waiting list.

Sounds like you have difficulty with executive function ( from your examples) and some sensory differences.
Autism can present differently in women and girls. Masking is more common, which is exhausting, and too much empathy which is emotionally draining. Have a look on the NAS website.

Part of a diagnostic assessment would look at your development such as communication and language and developmental milestones.

Clare Sainsbury was diagnosed as an adult. Her book Martian in the Playground features many examples of autistic people’s experiences at school.

Have a look at this questionnaire

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

No of course i don’t think that

but the Op described how terrifying she finds social interactions and transpires it is only in a professional setting which indicates lack of confidence at work

The OP is having substantial difficulties with work. A
diagnosis would help her work out what reasonable adjustments she needs. It js really difficult to fully understand the breadth and depth of your difficulties without having a professional investigate. It is no different really to getting a survey on a property - a decent builder would be able to give you a lot of useful insights but it won’t be as comprehensive as a survey.

You struggle with “major health anxiety”

op you have anxiety disorder

Yes, that resonates with me and I have a diagnosis or two.

You could ask for workplace screening, if that’s an option, and that may lead you to having reasonable adjustments put in place.

An actual diagnosis could open the door to Access to Work funding, which could get you some coaching.

I find many aspects of working in an office incredibly stressful and draining

in one part of my job I organise very complex events at one time of year. My team also organises another kind of event which happens in the evening. In a meeting this week someone suggested we hold all of these events on the same days, one kind during the day and the other kind in the evening 😱 i couldn’t believe what I was hearing - two separate events involving the public and multiple moving parts in one day??!! I need 3 days to recover from just one of those! That was a no from me.

I was diagnosed AuDHD as an adult and share lots of your traits. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me felt there was a lot of clear evidence pointing to both diagnoses. Except that I’m crap at interviews and can’t really fake confidence. If it’s impacting your life and wellbeing outside of work and you feel it would be helpful to have a diagnosis then why not speak to your gp and get the ball rolling?

A lot of people are very dismissive of adults seeking ND diagnoses. They see it as jumping on the bandwagon and it just annoys them. Hence the comments such as “nothing about what you describe sounds like neurodivergence”, when the majority of what you describe sounds like neurodivergence. My mum rolled her eyes when I told her and said “yeah, you and about 50% of the population”. She’s never mentioned it since then.

You can have health anxiety as well as being autistic or having ADHD. In fact they often go together with GAD.
People don’t choose to be this way, it’s not a wilful weakness.

OP it might be good for you to move this to one of the smaller boards - I know there’s one related to Neurodiversity but I’m on my phone so it’s tricky to look up.
AIBU is full of people who want to make you feel bad about yourself.

I’m hyper sensitive to smells and noise. Thought that was normal. A diagnosis was validating ie the exhaustion is because of my autism and ADHD- lack of support out there is horrendous

I know this isn’t a very welcome answer but I think the only way to know is formal diagnosis.

Any attempt by strangers on the internet to diagnose you could be more harmful than helpful.

What you’ve said doesn’t scream ND to me necessarily (although it still could be) but I’m not an expert.