AIBU to wonder if I am neurodivergent and burnt out at work

[RosaXx]

In recent years, I’ve wondered if I am neurodivergent. (some examples for context:)

• Struggled with insomnia and anxiety since childhood. Around age 10.
• Sensitivity to noise. I can also pick up on noises, such as beeps and buzzes that other people around me can’t hear.
• Dislike being in crowded places and can become extremely panicky and stressed.
• I have been told I have a very serious face, even when I am happy or enjoying something.
• My school reports were “Rosa is a pleasure to have in class, is intelligent but needs to contribute more”. I would never contribute in class. I preferred to observe and stay silent.
• I am a hoarder. I find it very difficult to part ways with things. Even clothes I do not like and haven’t worn in years.
• I struggle with time keeping in my personal life. No matter how much I prep for something I am always running late by a few minutes and flustered when leaving.

Anyway, I have worked in corporate roles for the past 10 or so years. I believe I interview very well. Despite my anxiety disorder I can fake confidence very well. I have been offered the job for every interview I have attended. I have very good IT and admin skills, great attention to detail and my colleagues often ask me to check their presentations for any mistakes and feedback.

However, I feel like I really struggle within this “world”.

• I hate any type of “mingling” and networking. I can’t do it. I can’t go and chat to random people. I often have to excuse myself and hide in the toilets at any type of thing like that. I prefer to be alone.
• Same with “team away days”. I feel they are pointless and have even rang in sick to avoid going to them. I hate them. I panic. I would rather sit by myself in the office and just work rather than play games and listen to presentations that I can’t concentrate on, because I can hear other people breathe, cough, take a drink etc.
• After work I am mentally exhausted. It is a struggle to get changed or cook a quick dinner. Sometimes I go straight to bed and just lie in silence even though I cant sleep until 3am.
• I sit through countless meetings which are pointless. Or meetings about an upcoming meeting. Everything could be so much more simpler in an email. With clear short instructions. At the end everyone says how helpful and insightful they are. But I just sit there thinking “WTF is this?”
• I feel I work best when I do work from written clear short instructions. I panic with verbal instructions and often follow up for clarification via email.

Although I enjoy my role and do think I am a good worker I am feeling more and more tired or “burnt out”. I feel I may not be compatible with this type of work, but what else can I do? Administration in corporate has been my job for my whole adult life since leaving university.

Is anyone similar to me and do you have a diagnosis for ADHD/Autism? I am not sure if a diagnosis would help or change anything but I am curious.

I realise this may be very very long so thank you if you have got this far.

I think you’ve nailed it. Imposter syndrome

Can you speak to family about helping with this cost

you have severe GAD, you should
not just let treatment fall by the wayside whilst you seek other diagnoses. Address the HAD and then go from them

You're exhaustion may well be due to you not taking care of your sleep pattern. Going to bed straight from work is a recipe for disaster. I'd recommend reading up about sleep.

You could be ND. I sounds very similar in lots of ways. My dad is autistic and my daughter is diagnosed audhd so chances are I have it too. Hate noise etc but I cope ok in the world and if I do an online quiz it’s always just under the threshold.
however if things are difficult for you then they are and you are well within your rights to try change your triggers.

for me I only work part time in an environment that isn’t too corporate. I need creativity so work in museums and entertainment. I also run a part time creative business.

this suits me as I get plenty of alone time and means I can socialise on my terms.

I hate false fun too.

what changes can you make?

Sorry that you are experiencing first hand the sort of backlash and prejudice towards ND women as is being demonstrated on this thread!

If someone had another condition, say, heart disease, diabetes, cancer... and wanted a diagnosis to explain their symptoms, they wouldn't be accused of wanting a 'label' and wouldn't be subject to an Internet pile-on.

When I went for my assessment, there were many stages to it and it was extremely thorough. It helped me to understand my brain a bit better and understand repeated cycles of burnout despite being a capable and intelligent person. I'm still learning about it now and I very very rarely disclose my ND to anyone because of the reactions and casual prejudice.

It's not an easy path and there's no money in getting a diagnosis. ND has probably cost me thousands in lost career earnings and I've not gained a penny from my diagnosis.

OP is trying to “accept who they are” by getting a diagnosis ffs.

Sorry that work and life are hard for you too but it’s not a race to the bottom- if someone is able to understand why certain things are difficult for them and get help in managing that why wouldn’t they?

Thank you so much ❤️
Yes I will 100% go down Right To Choose

I have read a lot about imposter syndrome and it doesn’t resonate with me.

I am very good at my job and I am a very competent worker. Good appraisals. Amazing feedback. I deserve to be there.

I struggle with a lot of things other people find normal or easy.

But thank you for your input.

You have been diagnosed with GAD and currently not receiving any treatment in any form for it. I would channel my
energy on to addressing this first and foremost

But you say that your terrified physical reaction to engaging with new people only
happens in a professional setting?

Do you have private healthcare with work?

Hypnotherapy didn’t make a difference. Maybe I should have written that originally.

I had about 10 sessions at £70. So waste of money.

Yes. I know I have GAD.

I have been tried therapies and medications for years and years. Nothing helps the feelings in
my brain.

It all makes sense that it actually could be neurodivergence that is making me feel this way and why nothing has worked.

But thank you for your advice.

I don’t want to sound rude but I have been trying to tackle my sleep since the age of 10.

I am 30 years old now.

I have read all the books. Hot baths. All the lavender. Warm milk. Kalms. Nytol. Therapy. CBT. DBT. Hypnotherapy. Melatonin. Zopiclone. Benzodiazepine.

Nothing can send me to sleep.

It is distressing when people are trying to tell me to sort out my sleep because I have tried. I am sorry but I have tried. It is who I am now.

You can’t go and chat to random people…. But you interview well which is chatting to random people.

Maybe you’re ND. Or you’re just an introvert who is irritable and exhausted due to not sleeping enough because you have insomnia.

When I had insomnia for a few months (stress) I was a mess because my brain just didn’t work like normal.

I didn’t mention hypnotherapy

You have tried one medication you said upthread and then came off it. There are many other medications. You tried therapies but said too expensive to continue (could you family help out financially)

my point is - why not focus on addressing the very serious diagnosis you do have?

I need to work full time to be able to afford my bills and rent. But part time would be amazing. Won’t happen though sadly.

A few years ago I actually wanted to go self employed in nails. I spent a lot of money on a course, booked week of annual leave to attend, bought all the kit, made my logos and website design and by the end of it was too mentally exhausted to even do my first set of nails 🤣 but maybe I could go back to it. As I do love it and was doing my own nails from a very young age.

I’m not sure what changes I can make, I just want me inside to change to be able to live life better and normal.

Do you have private health at work?

I just want me inside to change to be able to live life better and normal.

you have severe GAD
insomnia
and sound unhappy

Hypnotherapy was what was expensive. That was too expensive to continue after 10 sessions at £70. But it didn’t make a difference so stopped at 10 sessions.

All other therapies were NHS. I had DBT for ages. I like the therapist. But it’s not really helped how I feel. Psychotherapy too, I feel the same.

Unfortunately myself and family are in no position for anything private atm. My family have their own worries I have burdened them for 20 years with my mental health. It is their time to relax and enjoy their retirement without worrying about me anymore.

Propranolol for anxiety. Did nothing. Also had many SSRI’s and sleeping aids. Also did nothing.

I appreciate your advice. However GAD has tried to be addressed.

I am looking at a different route of if it’s neurodivergence that is making this all so difficult. Then it would make sense.

I can see you don’t agree and that is fine but please leave it here it is stressful when I have tried since childhood to be better. This is like a last resort.

Please leave me alone now.

I know since 17 years old I have anxiety.

Please leave me alone.

Ok but there’s a reason why I ask if you have private health through work?

Ok Op you want the diagnosis as think this will turn your life around. It won’t I’m afraid.

No, having a diagnosis won’t change her on the inside but it might make her feel better if there is a ‘reason’ for the way her inside feels.

OP you can take the brief test that the GP will use to determine if you might have Autism. It’s called the AQ10. https://www.plymouthhospitals.nhs.uk/download.cfm?doc=docm93jijm4n7722.pdf&ver=23625

They also use the Think test for ADHD which can help you inform the GP about any symptoms: https://thinkadhd.co.uk/

Did you struggle with friendships at school? If no, it’s more likely that you’re just in the wrong career and have nothing in common with everyone you have to network with. I am very NT, but work in a creative type industry and every time I have to go to an event that’s more corporate I freeze up and hide. I feel very exposed and like I can’t cope with it. It’s just a massive culture shock.

Same with burnout. If you’re forcing yourself to do a job that doesn’t actually grant you energy/vitality it’s going to deeply drain you.

RE neurodivergence - you would have had significant social issues in childhood. It’s one of the key diagnostic criteria

I think I perform well because at interviews I am asked questions. I also prep for interviews and research the role and company so I feel very relaxed with what I need to say.

Where chatting and mingling is difficult because I don’t like small talk. It just feels really wrong. Like it doesn’t make sense in my head. I have no idea what to speak about. Nothing pops up in my head to be able to start a conversation. It isn’t natural to me.

I have no problem asking a stranger a question if I know what I need to say. Like phoning up to make an appointment. Or asking a supermarket worker “where are the eggs”. So it’s just things like thrown into a “mingling” exercise or being surrounded by people where we need to talk but are given no topic. That is hard.

I have had insomnia since around age 10. I function well on little sleep. No one would know I am struggling inside.