AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

I think that as you normally alternate then it’s reasonable for you to go there. Especially as your DC would have fun

Plus with his mum having dementia I can see why he wants to go.

Maybe make a plan for a nice night out with him, or you and him and the kids another day?

Ordinarily I would agree, however dementia can decline so quickly that this could be the last Christmas that your MIL is well enough to manage everyone being round. On that basis I would get on with it for this year.

I do sympathise as I also find it challenging spending all Christmas day at in-laws. I'm really envious of my sibling who has a lovely, easy relationship with their MIL!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable

You still get much of the morning if you have to be there at 11.30 (providing ot isn't a massive drive?) and all of the evening if you're home for 6.30

Plus, its lovely for kids to play with their cousins

I think given you usually alternate, and its his family year, dh doesn't want to shorten time with his family, plus with mils dementia, the time to make changes to the routine if you want to change it would be next year, when it's your family turn.

Why so long in the day ? Couldn't you go for dinner then leave shortly after ? Best of both worlds then
11.30am seems early, what time is dinner ? I usually have starters around 2pm then dinner around 3pm .. if its like that couldn't you got at 1pm then if dinner is at 3pm couldn't you stay until 4pm then leave ?

Any chance of arriving closer to the normal dinner time?

This is what I hate about in-laws Christmas years is that it genuinely takes the whole day. I just want to be home and relaxing and the children coming and going as they want. Watch a movie. Build the new Lego. Play the new board game.

Wheres on inlaw years its rush open presents dress breakfast. Time to go there. Chatter till dinner is ready while the tv is playing either a sports replay or mtv music. Children can see presents for them under the tree but they are forbidden till after food. Then a long slow dinner including cheese boards. The tv gets turned back on then. Then we can open those presents one by slow one. Then it’s 7/8pm and my eyelids are barely staying open from sheer Boredom and we finally leave yay.

The other year we stay home and I loveeeee it.

If you usually alternate, it’s his family’s ‘turn’ and your MIL has dementia, I think you should just get on with it.

Either stop alternating altogether and just have Christmas at home from now on or carry on as you are. It would be really unfair doing just your family, especially when his mum is unwell. How would you feel if it was your mum who was declining and he said he didn’t want to go?

I think if you normally alternate and you spent last Christmas with your family, then you should go to PIL this year. That's only fair. Maybe next year, instead of going to your family, you could have the day at home instead? Then you could alternate your family/his family/stay home from then on.

It's their turn, it's Christmas day, suck it up

I think you should suck it up and stick to the usual plan

I'm also a Christmas worker. 12 hrs days/nights. Its tough.

Under normal circumstances I would say YANBU, but the dementia changes things, so you are.

Suck it up, go for a couple of hours. Explain to family in advance and they will understand.

What's the problem with kids not opening presents until after food? They've already had one lot

Given the dementia diagnosis, I'd suck it up for the sake of your husband.

I think you have to go.

Because it drags out the time tbh that’s the only reason I dislike it. If they opened them before the dinner during the general nonsense chatter we wouldn’t have to stay so long after.

I think you have to go.

I'm sorry you don't want to go and don't get along with your husband's family. But I think it's not exactly fair to sit out in these circumstances.

I would be going to play with all the kids and set up a special date in January for a dedicated family day after your husband's work schedule has slowed down.

I would turn up as close to lunch time as you can, so maybe 30 minutes before.

You get to deceive to spend the day at home
when it’s your family’s turn. Your wishes don’t trump
your DHs, especially as children should be the deciding factor and they’d like to go to in laws. It also seems a bit mean to refuse to go when you know MIL has limited Christmases left to enjoy.

Make your own family traditions with your children. After 20 years of having to do everything the in-laws wanted Covid came and I and the kids so loved the Xmas at home together we carried on and I actually enjoy Xmas now and look forward to it!!

I think yabu this year, sorry. Next time it’s his pil’s turn his mum is extremely unlikely to be with it.

i speak as someone who loves a nuclear family Christmas (but if you’ve not done it up to now, you can’t start this year)

Family time includes everyone, and there's not many years when you get to have the grandparents and kids together, so host and welcome them all. It's normal to want to be together over Christmas, and even invite non family who would be on their own otherwise. It could be us, or our kids, alone and abandoned one day.

It will depend if her dementia is formally diagnosed. And the sort of dementia she has. Dementia that is vascular can just take five years. And the person deteriorates quite quickly.
And dementia that is ordinary for what of a better expression can last around ten years.
What I would say that if she has formally diagnosed mild dementia she will need help with cooking the dinner.

It’s their turn and your children would have a nice time so you need to suck it up.

I think you have to go, it's his family's turn, he's working long hours around it and wants to go and your MIL has dementia. She will never be as well again as she is currently.

By the time their turn rolls around again in 2 years, she could be so much worse.

Plan nice things for yourself around it, there will be other days around Christmas and New Year when you can enjoy being at home as a family.