AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

Not really - it's an uncle and aunt who host, and have done for about 30 years. They're a very traditional family. There's 14 of us in total and we only live in a small terrace with a 4 seater dining table so not much room to host.

Would you feel the same if it was your families turn??

Just go. When you marry someone this is what the for better for worse bit means ... Few people adore spending all day with their ILs but we compromise and suck up not having the best day ever. It's one day of the year and will make your dh, your dc and your mil happy, not to mention his wider family

I would also go, and I guess your DC would probably prefer to go too. For that reason alone I’d suck it up. My DC Christmas experience always trumped my wants.
I’d also worry that if you didn’t stick to routine then next year (as MIL may well have deteriorated), your DH would remind you and expect you to go to PIL next year as well!

I think given it’s only 6 hours every other year it’s probably ok. When my in laws were on the scene I was expected to go to several gatherings a year at various of the different aunts houses, none of whom lived near us.

I didn’t hate them or anything but I found it very noisy and full on and didn’t really have anything to say to them, just not much in common.

So I do get it but I think you probably have to chin it for one day and put it down to marital compromise.

Here here.

@NeedyLimeMember if your husband is on the same page as you for this Christmas, stay at home.

For future years, you could rotate Christmas, so next year will be at in-laws, the following year your parents and then back at home again on 3rd year.

Jesus, suck it up. How is this even a question? Your poor dh, working his arse off, mother with dementia, it is his year to spend a Christmas with his family and you have chosen to be disagreeable about it because it isn't fun for you?

I would visit, but I would reduce the amount of time drastically.
Who cares if they don't understand and think you are rude.

Go for 2-3 hours and leave.

I'd think her dh might care considerably and he'd be right to ... it's his family and he wants to spend one day a year with them

Right so they are the ones keeping it all going - well over 30 years? . Er yeh .. I’d be dropping in for drinks at teatime with the gifts so his mother could see the kids . I’d be explaining you’re switching it up this year and doing your own little family brunch as dh is working a lot over the festive period and not get into further discussion . Nice lazy lie - full fancy english or whatever - kids get presents - go at 4-7 pm - back at 8 in your pjs in front of downtown .

• lazy lie in

I understand why you wouldn't want to go. you're solo parenting all this time and then you have to get everyone ready on Christmas and drive over and then sit around all day. when do you actually get a break? If your DH really does not care one way or the other about going other than obligation, then maybe you only go for a couple hours if it is close enough

I would aim to arrive a bit later if you can so you aren’t rushed at all with your morning. Arrive an hour before the main meal is served, but as long as that happens you aren’t rude unless there is some other big event that the family does.

Yes but how, are they offensive values eg are they intolerant of somenthing you feel strongly about?

Different lifestyles are ok. We have loaded relatives, skint relatives and anything in between. As long as everyone's pleasant that's all that matters.

A parent with dementia will be excruciating for your dh. Let him spend quality time with her at Christmas while she still knows who he is.

Would you be okay with your DH unilaterally cancelling Christmas with your side of the family?

If you find in-laws unbearable to the point that you genuinely can't be around them for a day, then the time to set that boundary is before you get into the routine of alternating, and definitely not as Xmas approaches after a MIL's dementia diagnosis.

As it is: it's his family's turn. He wants to see them (I don't think that your speculation that he doesn't really enjoy it is helpful at all). The kids would enjoy it. The dementia diagnosis on top of that makes this really, really not the right moment to suggest breaking the pattern and sacking them off.

Sympathy for having to endure crap small talk with people you don't gel with but such is the life of having in-laws. Everyone just grits their teeth and gets on with it.

This. How would you feel if it was your DH calling time on your family’s turn?

his poor Mum, let him enjoy the time while he still has her before dementia ruins that x

You don’t seem to be able to see this from your DH’s perspective OP.

he’s working lots over Christmas.

missing out on the fun stuff with the kids.
It’s his family’s turn to host.
his mum is in decline
he wants to go there.

but you don’t because you don’t relax with his family. And you don’t want to compromise for 6 hours.

I sympathise with having to make small talk with people you don’t naturally gel with. But I don’t think this is one where you can put your foot down. It would come across as incredibly selfish.

I think if you refuse to go to the in-laws this year, you also don’t see your family next year.

We are stuck in a similar rut taking up both 25th and 26th, so now we have an ‘at home’ Christmas Day on 24th or 27th and do stockings and presents between our household.

I’d put my foot down over the presents- tell DH to tell his DP that the present opening should be before the meal. We often do it after lunch now but ours are adults!

You’re coming across as pretty self absorbed here. It’s not all about you.

Why don’t you establish exactly what your husband WOULD like to do regarding the day, work around that and suck it up a bit?

If you’re not working over Christmas his choices get priority really especially as it’s his family’s “turn”, and solo parenting for a few days isn’t that hard especially as you don’t have to be anywhere, the kids don’t have school, heck they don’t even have to get dressed. It’s the only time of year you’ve got free licence to let them play all day, watch loads of telly and eat unregulated meals lol.

Part of being a couple means compromise and grinning and bearing it for 5 or 6 hours every other year isn’t exactly a huge compromise.

The thing is that you don't like them but can you honestly say if it was the turn to visit your family would you still be saying that you don't want to give up your one day ?

It's your in-laws turn. Your DH wants to go.

You're gonna have to just get over it. X

This.

I mean would you do the same next year when it's your family's turn ? That's the crux of it . I think it has advantages going to in laws . I'm a only child so host my parents every year (dp one of 4 and they always stay home and host noone ) I'd love to have a year off tbh but it is what it is .