AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

That’s how taking turns work.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with changing an established pattern - but better to change it up initially on the year it impacts your parents/siblings rather than your in laws.

Otherwise it can look like a deliberate snub.

You should go. If its intolerable, let your husband and kids go and pull a sickie.

@NeedyLimeMember You have my sympathy, to be honest, and I entirely understand why you would want a day as a family over Christmas, rather than living for others.

It's all well and good saying this might be your MIL's last Christmas where she's functioning enough to resemble herself but I've always taken the view Christmas is more about children and, once they come along, the nuclear family (and focus) becomes the child(ren) and their parents.

How old are your children? You don't get many Christmases with them being young and, as parents, we often want to enjoy that time with them, in our own homes. I also think you're absolutely entitled to want a nice day, yourself, regardless of everything else. You absolutely matter! Some of the comments on here ultimately put your wants and needs to the bottom of the pile... Why?! It's a real MN approach, it seems, to diminish at OP to that rank.

That all said, I can understand your husband wanting the (possibly) "last" Christmas with his Mum. I also think it's worth bearing in mind the feelings afterwards if MIL does suddenly decline and you do or don't go to Christmas dinner with her e.g. relief / guilt. You don't want there to be a rift between you and your husband, in future.

I would, however, have a chat with him and cover the fact that this could go on for years so, while you're willing to do go this year, for that reason, it's not going to be a very positive way to approach Christmas every year until she's "gone". I'd have a plan for future years e.g. that you pick a different day to be with her to celebrate Christmas (it doesn't have to be when the rest of the family are there if it's really about spending time with MIL). I'd also make it clear to the rest of the family that your family's personal circumstances, this year, are that your husband is working 6/7 days over Christmas so you're not getting a single day as a family, with your children, at home - you're coming to be with MIL and see everyone but you need to cut the time down because Christmas Day needs to serve more than one purpose.

Finally, your husband can drive. Take a bottle of something you really enjoy and just indulge in it. If you're going to tell me you don't drink, I'd suggest you take it up (even if just for that day!).

We'll have plenty planned on the days it's just me and the kids, seeing friends and my family, going on days out. I'm not too bothered about that side of it. It's just tiring and it can feel like everyone around me is enjoying several days of lovely festive family time with both parents there - maybe that's not the reality for most.
It does irk me - the suggestion that for ONE DAY of the whole entire year I should make a sacrifice and put others first. As though mums don't constantly make sacrifices.
I'm sure we'll end up going to the ILs, but hopefully not for the whole time and I think the family will understand. My husband just feels guilty as we're the only ones who either don't go, or don't go for the full day.

What would be your stance if it was your parent’s turn?

I think you should just go it’s your husbands mum and he wants to spend time with her .

If Op's husband specifically wants to see his mum then a busy Christmas Day with people getting drunk isn't necessarily the best time.

So I would think it's a good compromise to go but not for too long.

Suck it up, OP

You have almost an entire festive week to enjoy with your kids while your husband has to work though?

Throughout this thread you keep framing his having to work as a sacrifice you're making - and now implying you're the only one making real sacrifices - as opposed to something that's actually worse for him?

Regardless if this year had been your "turn" to see your family, I'm pretty sure you'd have had a lot of support from this thread. And if there hadn't been a dementia diagnosis, it would have been unanimously on your side. Those two things just override the "sacrifice" you're apparently making via your husband's working hours.

(The actual solution here is to have the family time you want at a time of year when he isn't working so much. You can even do Christmas then if you want. Make your own traditions as a family.)

So for next year, he will be entitled to then say he does not want to go to your family for Christmas?

I hate all this, put the MIL first, its one day, its there turn.

So what? Its xmas day and going over there would be shit!

I don't think we have been over my IL for 10 years on xmas day and they are too lazy to pop over to us!

Having read all Ops posts and seen both you and DH don't particularly enjoy it i would suggest arriving around midday as usual, doing lunch and the social bits, but leaving a couple hours earlier on the basis that you're "not feeling well".... 4 o'clock would be perfect for a migraine 🤪

Assuming you're reasonable driving distance this would be the ideal white lie so that everyone was happy!

You must go and focus your mind on the positives.

Is it far away? Could you excuse yourselves from the meal and just pop round for an hour pre meal and then head home?

You are being extremely unreasonable . This arrangement has been in place a long time and as it is his parents and he wants to be there plus his mums health, you're going to start a division in your marriage. If you want to change Christmas then start changes when it's your parents. Maybe suggest leaving after lunch and not staying as long this time but come next year tell your parents you want the day for yourselves and if MIL still alive you can say long before Christmas that you're having the day at home but make arrangements for a different day going forward

We used to go to one side of the family for lunch, the other for evening meal.

It actually made the day feel longer.

It does seem that OP has decided what everyone else would like.

She is arguing with DH, as he wants to go. But she must have decided that his reasons for wanting to go aren’t valid. He maybe doesn’t want to upset his family? He maybe thinks it’s important to encourage family relationships during significant family holidays? He may have chosen to be selfless for his children and extended family’s benefit? Whichever, OP doesn’t accept that any of his reasons override her desire to be at home, even though DH has made great sacrifice himself by working such long hours. She doesn’t think DH deserves to get what he wants, but for some reason, she does.

OP had decided that her kids would probably enjoy another day at home with the nuclear family, rather than seeing their cousins. Not sure why?

OP has admitted that she just doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t enjoy it. She’d rather suit herself. NO shame in this, but OP needs to own it.

Some people will support a more selfish approach and warn OP against being a martyr, whilst others would tell her to put her children and family first. This is a choice for the individual. The solutions are not great if the OP chooses the non-martyr route:

1. DHs family will undoubtedly think OP is rude if she stays at home and DH and DC go to their family Christmas with in laws, unless she is unwell. It will send a clear message to them that she doesn’t think they are good enough. Wouldn’t the DCs pick up it being a bit odd too? Perhaps OP could feign illness and let DH and DC go and enjoy their day. Let’s face it OP, you’ll be enjoying Christmas on your own when your children grow up, if they follow your lead.
2. Alternatively, they will think that OP is rude if she puts pressure on the host to speed up or cut the day short. This is DHs family tradition and routine and it’s incredibly rude as a guest to sabotage this without good reason. Arriving a little later should be okay though. Spending a bit more time at home in the morning might be all that’s needed as a compromise.
3. Cast aside DH and DCs wants and make a decision for the family that only meets OPs needs (a solution that a disturbing amount of mumsnetters have encouraged 😬) suffering whatever consequences this may have in the distance caused and damage to relationships not only with extended family, but between OP and her DH too.

It all seems like a lot of drama and potential fall out for just 6 hours of OPs time.

Will OP object to going to her parents next year?

FWIW, I don’t think the dementia should be the determining issue, unless you plan on sharing every Christmas with her between now and her death because of this. She might be lucky and get 10 good years still, or maybe just a couple. Nobody really knows. However, it could well be an issue that your husband will find it hard to move past if you hold fast against his wishes every year it is his parents ‘turn.’

OP has decided that DH doesn’t enjoy it. She is arguing with DH, because he wants to go.

It might not be possible to leave at 4pm. My family tradition is for an extended lunch. We don’t just gobble down the courses. It’s a special celebration and can take several hours, with games, present opening etc in between courses. We sit down to celebrate around 3-7pm, with lots of breaks in between.

OP could ask the hosts to speed things up so she can leave early, but needs to frame it around DH being tired from working hard. Or feign illness and just leave early herself and come back to collect husband and children later, if she really can’t manage it.

There's no arguing :) he doesn't seem to feel particularly strongly about it - just pointed out that we went to my parents last year so maybe it's the right thing to do, and we won't have to do any cooking if we go there.

He’s right. Go and enjoy being hosted for a few hours and make some special time either side of the day. Someone else is providing the difficult part for you! Embrace it or buy and cook your own lunch. Believe me, if you were hosting, you wouldn’t get to see much of your children either!

Apologies. In your OP you stated that you were in disagreement with DH, not that you were arguing.

If my DP had said that, it would be his way of saying that he does want to go. I suspect your DP has picked up that you are less enthusiastic about the idea and is trying to make his preference clear without having a row about his working hours.

Christmas with the parental family unit usually changes after you have children, at least it often does after the children reach the age when it is easier to stay at home allowing them to play with their presents etc. Dynamics change once offspring move out and it is maybe time to start your own traditions using your DH’s working hours as a reasonable and acceptable excuse.

Let them all blame you, so long as you get a lovely day to spend with DH and DCs, what do their thoughts matter to you?

Yes, it is only one day a year, yet this is the only one day over the Christmas period when your DH isn’t working.

Hope your DH sees sense and you can all enjoy relaxing at home.

Hope your dh "sees sense" about not wanting to see his elderly mother with dementia for what might be her last sentient Christmas.

I do think that DH should get the choice on Christmas day....you say yourself you have lovely days planned with the children, friends and your family whilst dh is at work. This is the only opportunity dh gets to see his wider family over Christmas... whatever his motives, he wants to go and spend the day with them. You have the opportunity to have other days with friends and family, and even a lazy boxing day at home with the kids if you want a rest after it all.

If you want to change things up, stay home next year and then dh chose how you spend the day the year after and so on.

I agree with this @NeedyLimeMember

I'm not the biggest fan of in laws either so I do get it, especially with his hours this year. But if you alternate it's only fair really and especially with his mum's condition, I'd feel mean binning them off on Christmas day.

You can absolutely go for a shorter time though, explain the situation and go for maybe just before the meal then just stay for an hour after before heading home. Without laying it on thick, you guys have got plenty of Christmas days ahead, it sounds like his mum might not, at least ones for "quality time".