AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

What if you stay home alone? Have a nice relaxed day without the kids?

We don't have space to host. And it's his auntie and uncle who host, so no one is going to be alone and abandoned.

I would go in that scenario if it’s their turn, but go for 12, leave at 5. I’d also tell DH that he could drive so I could get comfortable merry on sherry

It's tempting, but I think everyone would think I was very rude and I'd miss being with the kids even though we don't see a great deal of them when we're there. Thinking about it, nearly every year I consider pulling a sickie to get out of going there as I just find the whole thing such hard work socially.

I don’t think it’s fair to see your family on their year and then not see his family on their year…
What would you do if your husband said he didn’t want to see your family on their year?

Youve pretty much got a day where you dont have to do anything accept try to enjoy yourself so why not. You will clearly need a day to recuperate and prepare for all that "solo parenting" .

Because of the dementia, and because he wants to, I would suck it up for this year. But start to plan ahead.

Because it's your family's turn next year, that would be a good year to set down new patterns/traditions. Would your family delay lunch until say 3pm, so that you could have a chilled morning at home? Then suggest the same for his the year after?

For this year, can you do something really special one day at home, all together? We were always tied to parents for Christmas, so we made New Year our nuclear family time, and pushed the boat out on new traditions for New Years Eve/New Years Day.

Best of luck!

Never did the ‘alternating’ family visiting once we had the kids. I told everyone they were welcome to visit but no way was I committing to a yearly plan. Turn up just before lunch and leave when you fancy. Ever heard the saying ‘don’t set yourself alight just to keep everyone else warm?’

I think it’s too late to change plans for this year, but say from now on you will do one at theirs, one at home, one at your parents etc.

6 hours of small talk and listening to people brag about their holidays just isn't enjoyable to me unfortunately.

What time do you eat? If the meal is like 2pm then you could say you’ll come then but need some family time just the 4 of you until then since DH is working so much. That way you can relax, have a Xmas brunch together and open presents without rushing. I don’t think that’s unreasonable for a family member with children and a busy work schedule.

Oh god the reminder. I’ll get to hear all
about some biking holiday, how good or bad the ski slopes where. How someone took their dog up a mountain.

The beaches are lovely in Mexico but they didn’t like the food too spicy.

At least the children enjoy it in your case. I’d I stayed home the children would stay home with me and there would be ww3

Then change the subject or go in the other room and play with the children.

My dad had dementia and there's no way on God's green earth that I'm missing Christmas with him.

My mum had dementia. It was six years between being diagnosed with mild dementia and the effects seriously affecting cognition. It depends on the type of dementia. If OP has two days of solo childcare either side of Christmas Day, why should she not be able to relax with her immediate family on the actual day ? I wonder whether the posters concentrating on the dementia angle have any experience of it, because it’s not a straightforward and predictable progression. Fully expect to be flamed, but still parking this point of view here for debate.

Perhaps you could offer a compromise and say if you stay at home this year (because of the particular circumstances) that means your husband still maintains priority for next year. Going away for Christmas can be onerous. Perhaps you should build in a break year every 3 years so one year with your ILs, one year with his ILs and one year on your own at home.

You are absolutely right. And it matters too if formally diagnosed or if someone in the family has decided they think she has mild dementia. Which may not be the case….
To add, someone with dementia can become overwhelmed with too many people at once, or indeed catering for them.
Important they have someone with them, but whether the OP has to be there all day is another matter.

The dementia is neither here nor there really . The reality is people trundle on with dementia for about a decade not five years . The middle years are the worst . In two years it could be an absolute shit show where the tradition is maintained because no one wants to admit things are really changing . Mill insisting she’s fine ( because when you’ve got dementia you don’t recognise how it is progressing yourself ) and continuing to cook whilst getting overwhelmed with timings and kids running round??? Been there one year - I think dinner took the best part of six hours to prep and was inedible.

To be honest that might be the bigger problem to come if no one is planning or being able to discuss the future . It could be all our last Christmas’s . Having been here but in the position of dragging small kids across the country , overnight stays and then now having to “ pay back” the debt when my husband did his bit missing seeing his parents so now I’m still stuck doing the away thing with older teens because his parents aren’t inclined to travel and missed out when mine were young plus a sister in law who no longer takes part in Christmas turnabouts because it is to overwhelming for her and she has her own issues . I get round it all by planning something nice for me and to be fair my in-laws kindly last year had my teens whilst me & dh went away for two nights and came back Xmas Eve .

Suck it up this year - maybe compromise this once with shaving off an hour either side - just go 1-5 pm ? Point out two years time will be different again and will need to be tackled . Insist on staying home New Year’s Day this year. See how it goes and gently point out everyone needs to be on the same page going forward . Once the oldies get older or ill the turn about thing starts to not work anymore - life gets in the way . Good luck x

But your dh does enjoy it

Your kids enjoy it

I just don't think this is the year to suggest changes... maybe next year suggest to family and dh that the traditions change but for this year, its "only 6 hours" ...less than a work day and you have a meal to break it up.

You have the time either side at home just you, dh and the kids.

My dad is 2.5yrs post diagnosis. My Grandma died from dementia in 2019.

DH is also a police officer working 13hr shifts all over Christmas and has done for 20yrs.

I still wouldn't trade those precious memories for anything. For me, Christmas is about family and while I also treat it as a season to fit everybody in, I would not and could not trade my dc and their grandad sharing the 25th, for some time relaxing.

We first noticed the signs 5 years ago and she was diagnosed about 2 years go. His Grandad had it also, so there were many years of similarly knowing that each year he would only get worse. It's really sad and difficult to witness. But I agree with the point (I think) you're making that you can spend many years watching and waiting and potentially not doing things you want to do because of a family member having dementia.

All this nonsense about who's turn it is. Do what you want on Christmas. Sounds like you rarely have one at home.

Just to say I don’t think someone with mild dementia could rustle up a big Xmas dinner alone. Not successfully anyway.

Fair enough. We always do presents after dinner

I think this is part of my issue - I don't actually think my DH does enjoy it, he's not particularly close to his family we don't have a lot in common and I think it's more out of a sense of loyalty. And I think the kids would have just as good a time at home, playing with their new toys and having quality time with their mum and dad, which there won't be much chance for over the festive period.

Er, no. OP says her DH is working long shifts for the two or three days either side of Christmas Day itself. So she’ll be doing childcare alone for much of that.