AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

Totally sympathise, but agree with others. Arriving late ‘by accident’ after a few hours of quality time might be the good middle-ground? Have Christmas brunch?

Does he work this pattern every year, or are the 12–14 hour days around Christmas an exception? If this is particularly long/extra this year, I’d be protecting that extremely limited family time. If you only have Christmas Day together before he’s back to working long hours and you’re solo parenting for the rest of the week, I can completely understand why you’d want to actually spend that day together as a family.
His mum’s dementia obviously makes wanting to spend time with her understandable, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice the entire day. I’d probably go for the shortest visit that works around the meal — still making the effort to see everyone, but getting home at a reasonable time.
If he works these long hours every Christmas, then I think it’s a slightly different situation and I’d be more inclined to compromise this year. But if this is an unusually demanding Christmas for him, I’d be asking why the one day you actually have together shouldn’t be spent resting and enjoying some proper family time at home. He’s going to be shattered and you’ll be doing the bulk of the parenting while he’s working — surely that time together has some value too?
And I’m sorry, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to spend 7 hours sitting around making small talk while everyone else gets progressively drunk. 😂 Drunk people are funny for about 20 minutes and then you’ve heard the same story three times, someone is inexplicably shouting and you’re wondering what time is socially acceptable to escape. 🤣
I absolutely hate the ridiculous sense of obligation that surrounds Christmas sometimes. It’s one day — surely you should actually enjoy it rather than spending it somewhere because that’s what everyone else does?
If you do go along with his family this year, I’d definitely be starting a “Christmas at home” tradition for future years rather than letting the extended-family expectation become the default forever.

Thank you - yes it's much worse than usual with the days being the length they are. Usually we'd at least have either the morning or evening together on e.g. Christmas eve and boxing day so it feels like there's a bit more time to at least sit down as a family for a nice meal together. Which is exactly why I do want to protect the time together, especially for the kids. I just know he's going to absolutely exhausted, likely not getting in until after 10/11pm on Christmas eve and leaving the house before 6 on boxing day.

Then honestly, if I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t go at all. This sounds like a genuinely exceptional year, rather than you suddenly deciding you don’t fancy his family at Christmas. He’s going to be absolutely knackered, you’ll be solo parenting around all those shifts, and the kids are barely going to get any proper family time with him either.
I’d just let him tell his family that he’s working ridiculous hours over Christmas and, by Christmas Day, he’ll probably have absolutely no interest in moving out of his pyjamas! 😂 They can see him in the first non-working weekend after Christmas when he’s actually got the energy to enjoy seeing them.
And I really don’t think you need to over-explain or justify it beyond that. His mum’s dementia obviously makes the situation more difficult, but you’re not saying he can’t see her — you’re saying that this particular Christmas, after those hours, you want to prioritise your little family and let him actually rest.
If it were me, I’d be protecting that one day together too. There’ll be plenty of Christmases where you can do the big family gathering; you don’t get this particular Christmas Day back.

Agreed. Either you stop visiting both parents or carry on as agreed. Dementia can decline very quickly and this might be her last time to host.

Yes but that’s two different family members for meals. This is just shortening the one meal to allow OP extra time at home; which is what she wants….!

I dont look forward to the first Christmas we have no one inviting us to spend time with them to be honest. I know of people who have no-one, and I just think as a society in general we are becoming more insular and closed off. I would make the effort, its a few hours and a one off day! Your husband might regret not making the most of family time when his mother is no longer in full health. I dont know, im just getting older and realising whats important. Christmas is just one day a year.

Exactly what I came to say. I know it's rubbish, but by the sounds of it you're going to have a rubbish week anyway, so why not let the kids have fun, your husband see his mum, and you can move your celebrations to the week after when he's home more.

They won't be on their own either way. My parents will though. They'd usually pop round in the morning to exchange presents but that might have to be done on boxing day this year.

I actually do agree, to some extent. The situation is not ideal for DH or OP. However, it is not a case of DH just wanting to see his parents, which of course he can do at another time, it’s a whole extended family celebration - 14 of them no less - that he doesn’t want to miss!

To ask all the extended family’s to postpone their traditional family Christmas Day so that DH can stay at home seems unreasonable. His mum may not be able to participate in 2 years time. It’s not their/her fault that he is working unreasonable hours. He needs to give some thought to this moving forward. How he has agreed to or been compelled to work such hours? It does seem a bit odd, but it does happen. DH should strongly suggest to his employer that this situation cannot be repeated. Many of us work on Christmas Eve, but not usually late into the evening. But DH is working all weekend after Christmas Day, including the Boxing Day bank holiday too? He must surely be getting some time off in lieu, either before or after Christmas to compensate for this? What business is he in? If you tell me he’s in events/hospitality then this won’t come as a surprise. If he’s in nursing/care, is this his usual shift pattern?

It's neither of those, and it's not that he's had no say in working such extensive hours, more than the project is quite high stakes for the company and as head of department he is responsible for the outcome. He's expecting a generous overtime bonus for it which will benefit the family. He won't get any time back anywhere and the following week is probably going to look similar. I don't really think you can recreate Christmas day tbh. - my kids wouldn't understand that and my husband wouldn't see the point - especially if we've done a typical Christmas day with presents, Christmas dinner at the ILs etc. it's only me who's bothered so I'll just accept this year isn't going to how I like Christmas to be and move on.

Very unreasonable, reverse it and it’s your mum with dementia, would you still rather spend the day away from her? If you alternate and this is your year to be with the family then suck it up, it’s not going to kill you to see the rest of the family enjoying themselves, you’re incredibly selfish.

Don't make your husband chose between his wife and his mother with dementia on Christmas day. It's so cruel.

Jeez you make it sound so dramatic lol it's nothing like that.