AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

What time does the meal usually start? Could you have the morning at home and arrive later - in time for lunch? It’s easier to agree a later arrival than leave early.

How long is the journey? If you leave at 6:30pm you should be able to enjoy an evening at home with your DH unless it’s a very long way?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable OP.

The only person it would suit better is you, which is kind of the definition of selfish, especially when it is everyone's Christmas Day - and might be one of the last for some in some respects.

This

Go and play with the children to avoid the tedious small talk?

As you went to your family for the celebrations last Christmas its only fair to go to DH's this year, after which tell both sets of parents/family that it will be the last year and as from Christmas 2027 you'll be starting your own tradition of having Christmas day in your own home with just your DH and DC.

So your kids will enjoy it and your husband wants to go. You want to go against a regular plan just because you, and only you, don't want to go? Selfish? Entitled? Both?

Previous relationship we had Christmas Day with my family but Boxing Day was his entire family think 35 + had to present at 10am secure your chair then that’s where you sat until at least midnight. God it was grim.

Thank god it’s now just me, husband and daughter we do what we like

We usually alternate aswell and I’ve said this year I want Christmas Day just us and the kids. Yeah it’s nice everyone is together but absolutely not one person helps so I’m stood in the kitchen all day cooking and cleaning. Plus I want one Christmas Day where we don’t have to rush and get dressed and stay in our PJs all day.

YANBU

If your DH cannot change his shifts then put them off and his family can have their turn next year.

Can you see your family whilst your OH is at work? That might help.

I was not a fan of going elsewhere when the DC were little and wanting to play with their toys.

We got into an arrangement with an elderly uncle coming to Christmas lunch out of habit. It suited OH's family because his behaviour was awful. It caused a lot of bad feelings when I said no more. I'm still glad I had the conversation early and put my close family first.

I’m not unsympathetic but I think you have to go this year.
I agree with the crushing boredom of watching other people get drunk. I do get it.

Is there anything at all you could do to improve the day?
Walk the dog? Walk anybody’s dog? Have a sneezing fit and need fresh air?

Christmas can be a bit of a chore sometimes. And you’re not at all unreasonable to want to do something different or perhaps start your own tradition.

The question you have to ask though is how would you feel if this year you were due to be with your family and your DH asked for a change in the normal plan?

I suspect that, as you point out you don’t particularly like his family or their Christmas, that this is a ‘them’ issue and you would be rather appalled at the thought of not sticking to the normal plan if it were your family’s turn. Though I might be wrong.

Change traditions, absolutely, but only if that change is fairly shared and affects both families equally.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable, you work just as hard as your husband you deserve a family day at home the way you want it I refused to go anywhere Xmas day when I had mi kids o don’t think it’s fair opening the presents and then just up and leaving

that being said it’s also not fair if next year you decided to go to your parents , I’ve just lost my grandma to dementia you can see her any other time it’s only one day I wouldn’t let that guilt trip you , my nana would have wanted me at my house with the kids enjoying the day

You aren't going all day, though. You still have most of the morning and all evening as your small family.

I think it's fine to want to change to having Christmases at home, but you probably need to start that when it's your family's turn, not your partner's.

She is also working her arse off

I think, because of the dementia, you need to go. By the time his family's turn comes round again she could be so much worse. It doesnt sound horrific, people chatting about holidays and having a few drinks while the children play and having dinner cooked for me sounds like a pretty good day and worth making small talk for! You still have the evening, book yourselves a family day when your husband is next off.

Well there are two rooms on offer. If you don't like the grown-ups room, why not follow your DC into the other room and play with them and their cousins? Maybe you can get them all a game or toy for Christmas and you're so keen to go and help them try it together. An afternoon playing with your nephews and nieces as well as your children could be lovely.

I think what you’ve described there is called Christmas

Last year I had a scheduled csection on the 20th Dec so we decided that we would have christmas dinner at home with just us and my in-laws came round for a few hours after dinner fpr some drinks. It was so much more relaxed not having to host a meal and we are going to do the same again this year. Could you go round after xmas dinner for a bit?

YAB totally U.

You agreed to alternate years. His mum has dementia. You can’t move the goalposts because it doesn’t suit you.

If you want to do things differently, do it when it’s your families year.

it’s one day @NeedyLimeMember You just need to suck it up or shouldn’t have agreed to the arrangement in the first place.

Perhaps your DH wants to spend quality family time with his Mum while he still has her? You have, one hopes, many more Christmases ahead of you. She may not.

I think if your husband isn’t fussed then don’t go and have a nice day at home. As long as he’s happy with that. Gives the chance to stop the alternating and maybe try some new traditions.

I guess my only question is would this be the same if I were your family?

(ETA - Sorry I didn't mean to respond to a specific reply)
I can understand the perspective of those saying I should suck it up, particularly with his mum's illness. I suppose I already feel I'm sucking it up with my husband working silly hours in the days before and after and tbh he's just going to be exhausted on Christmas day itself - I imagine he'll be in bed by 8 so I'd like to try and protect a bit of relaxed time for us as a family and yes dare I say enjoy it a bit myself.

I'd just like to respond to the comments making a big deal about whose 'turn' it is - this has been a loose arrangement and we've often deviated from the rule - deliberately on my part because I don't want to be stuck in some 30 year tradition that nobody particularly enjoys but feels they have to stick to. We almost always see both sides of the family on Christmas day, it just so happens that last year we had dinner with my family. And if it were the other way round my parents would be disappointed not to see the kids on Christmas day, but I wouldn't be overly bothered.

I don't think I'm being particularly selfish that over a 6-7 day stretch, the one day my husband isn't at work for 12-14 hours (which also happens to be Christmas day) I'd like us to have some quality family time together and also for him to not further exhaust himself by having to negotiate some challenging family dynamics. Anyway I now feel that the best thing to suggest to my husband is negotiating a shorter visit to his family and keep the rest of the day quiet. Thanks to those who have responded with understanding.

This!

After 20 plus years of alternating Christmas holidays we are going away this year. I cannot wait.
Advice for anyone thinking of living together/getting married/having kids, do not get into the alternate system. Do your own thing from year one and stick to it.