AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

She's not cooking.

I agree that you can't put life in general on hold but this is one day, there's precedent and your DH and DC are happy with the arrangement.

As others have said, plan differently for next year but this year, the plans are already made.

Maybe your DH feels similarly about spending the day with your family?

I’ve saved big presents till after dinner at home before but like the year get got them a Nintendo switch to share.

It’s just when 13 people after dinner have to open a one by one present while everyone else sits and goes oh wow isn’t that amazing.

For me again I also hate the whole being stared at while I open some present that is at best meh and I don’t have a good poker face while expecting to look like I unwrapped a gold bar.

It’s a drag

Especially after a couple of wines and a bag full of Brussels spouts on your dinner 💨 your trying to hold back in 😅

I find the family small talk bragging Olympics challenging too.

Now we make it a bingo game with a cocktail or mocktail in hand. Makes the day a lot more amusing! 🫢🫣😂

Some people are shameless.

Anyone made of human parts knows you are being unreasonable.

When you chose to have kids you chose to spend time not always doing what you want.

Twaddle.

Why don't you get on with them, are they unpleasant or just not your cup of tea?

Unless there's a massive back story of bullying or whatever you should go. If you alternate, it's dh's turn with his family this year.

Good !

YABU sorry. Your DH wants to go, you went to your family last year and it sounds like he is worried that his mum might not have many more fully-functioning Christmas days. I think you need to go this year. I would see though if you could arrange to join them slightly later (maybe turn up there at 12.30/ 1pm to eat at 2) and book in a few days off after the immediate Christmas period. You could also break up the day by going out for some fresh air and going upstairs/ to a different room to call your own family.

I echo this and everyone else that has said similar

It's nothing to do with the kids. The kids will be happy either way.

Would you be feeling the same if it was the year to spend the day with your family? If you want to start staying at home fir Christmas, start next year when it's your turn. You can then invite all or alternate grandparents.

Agree with this. You’ll have other days off at home with the kids. They will enjoy seeing family. It’s important with regards MIL.

Make sure you get another day of sitting around enjoying cheese, or chocolate, movies etc… Doesn’t have to be Christmas Day.

No, no bullying or anything like that.
Just very different lifestyles and values.

Do you feel the same when it’s your family’s turn?

Or do you think your DH would rather avoid going to your family but does it anyway because that’s the deal?

Oh in that case - drop in for a drink with gifts at teatime at 4pm and bugger off at 7pm ? Offer to bring the pudding ? Suggest saving the load on the cook - a sil or bil or your fil ? DH sees parent , kids see cousins - you do a long lazy Christmas brunch at home . Just explain the work thing and the fact you’d prefer to just let the kids let off steam later in the day with their cousins rather than all day

Could you switch it up, invite them to yours, get them to turn up at say 1, serve food at 3, boot out at 6-7ish, that way you are at home in your surroundings and for longer without relatives arriving early

I was with you, as you're solo parenting and understand wanting immediate family time, at home in your PJ's

Then I was like, well she's got dementia so you can't not go

Then I see that she's had it for two years - I would tell him that I'm not going sorry

Would you want to have the day alone to relax or would you want him and the kids there? Since you're solo parenting during the Christmas holidays, a hyperactive time for kids, I say you should stay home if you want 🩷

Presumably you'll be happy when he doesn't want to do your family's turn and not make it all about you? Christmas is for family and his mother has dementia and it's the only festive day that he can see her. You're not just unreasonable - you're outrageous.

We ALL have limited Christmases left to enjoy. Life is a zero sum game!

Also if you don’t go, I think you would have to give your DH the option to take the kids and you stay at home. And you absolutely couldn’t insist on going to your family next year- as others have said you’d need to break the pattern completely.

He’s working a lot over the season and it’s his turn to be with his family. You’ve got to suck it up and make the most of it.

With all the hours he's working either side I would have thought he'd want to have a quiet day at home.

Could you cook at home & pop in for the evening?

FIL had dementia. The last couple of Xmases we had with him he was here but not here. It was very hard for everyone so I would support your DH in having the time with his mum while he can