AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

I'm with you. I hate being forced into stuff I don't want to do at Christmas, because 'it's expected'. I also have to spend my Christmas with my husband's family and it's a pita. We work full time, get just two days off, and spend them cooking and hosting and cleaning and ferrying about, plus as you say, not seeing the kids who inevitably disappear to their rooms, then it's back to work.
However, it's not just about me so I suck it up. I do moan about it as do my kids 🤣 but it's a once a year duty. It's partly why I despise Christmas 😭

Yes.

Really most family get togethers have some bits that aren't great. You just have to get on with it.
X

Well put.

Am I correct that one year Christmas Day is spent with your family and the following year spent with your DHs family and that this is an ongoing rotation?
the trouble is that these things become set in stone and hard to break. What you can’t do is cancel seeing your DHs family and only see yours. (Unless there’s some awful back story and they’re vile)
Is this the first year that the only day your DH will be with the kids is Xmas day? If so, you could always say that this year you’re doing Xmas just the 4 of you as it’s the only day together.
The following year you’d be expected to prioritise your in laws unless your going to do only nuclear family christmases.

I think this year you need to go to in-laws. Next year suggest that you do Christmas at home when it is your turn to go to your parents and then hopefully it will start a new tradition. Make it as fun and stressful as possible.

This year arrive maybe 20 mins before lunch (use the excuse of giving DH time to rest after long shift). After lunch bring a surprise gift for cousins that require your help in setting up and playing. DH is working the next day so again you need to leave early for him to rest.

Then either do your own Christmas day at home when dh is off or see if you can get a good value night away in a hotel with meals included (often good deals in Jan) and as a family chill. Watch movies etc

I think you are reasonable to want Christmas just your household especially as you won’t get much time together with him working so much but I also appreciate your husband wants to see his mum and you haven’t up to this point done just your family at home with alternating between parents.

I would try and compromise and arrive later or leave earlier.

No one actually knows how many Christmas’s they have left but maybe you should change how you do Christmas if you want to spend some time at home together. Do Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with family.

making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk.

I'd be leaving before that!

Sounds very tedious.

Unless his family members have done something unthinkable to you, YABU.

What would you be saying to your husband if on the years you’re meant to be with your family for Christmas he was saying he wanted to shorten the day etc, like you are now.

We don’t always like our partners family (I’m very lucky that I do.). but you do it for your partner and your children.

It’s one day.

he's not particularly close to his family we don't have a lot in common and I think it's more out of a sense of loyalty.

Well then more fool him!

Sorry OP but you getting what you want could rob DH of the last good Xmas he gets with his Mum.

You need to get out of your own feelings and take the hit on this one.

Maybe consider leaving earlier so you get Xmas evening together as a family?

Sorry I don't think you are being fair to your DH for a number of reasons. First it's his turn this year so he should get to choose. If you want to change the routine you need to do it on a year when it's your turn. Secondly, he only has the one day off over the core Christmas period - so again he should get to choose how to spend it. And finally, his mum.

Can you schedule in some family time in the lead up to Christmas- maybe go see the lights then have a movie night. And again after Christmas/over new year?

And any chance you can do some things with your family on the other days so you feel less like you're parenting solo?

Can you have a festive day when DH isng working, 28th or whenever? Make itvexactly as youd want Christmas at home to be, but without turkey & gifts.

This 100%

I think you should either go or compromise by having your husband agree that you will leave at a specific time so you have at least part of your afternoon and evening at home. You have a good excuse with him working such long hours around Christmas. It may feel awkward for the few minutes that you're saying goodbye, but so what? If anyone's upset they can get over it.

The only person whose opinion I would really care about in this case is your husband's. If he's insistent that he wants to spend the whole day there then I think I would just go along with it, due to his mother's health and the fact that it is "their" year.

Reasons to stay at home

-I don't actually think my DH does enjoy it
-he's not particularly close to his family
-we don't have a lot in common
-I think it's more out of a sense of loyalty

-kids would have just as good a time at home playing with their new toys and having quality time with their mum and dad, which there won't be much chance for over the festive period.

It depends on why you don’t like his family. Have they been nasty/rude you? If so your husband needs to grow a spine and have a word with them.

I think you are being unreasonable because you are making this solely about what you want to do. It's a few hours. You have the rest of the year to do what you want. Your DH is working long hours all over Xmas so I could understand if he just wanted to be on his own. The kids have plenty of time to play with new toys. Take a jigsaw or something to do. I used to ask for a new desk diary from in laws every year and spend a couple of hours filling in. They thought it was because I was so thrilled with my present! Then a couple of hours with FIL doing a jigsaw which I really enjoyed.

Tbh i think the day you've described here sounds like a pretty standard Christmas Day.

It's a shame your DH is working so much but at least you get a lot of time with the children for their new toys etc even if you do spend the majority of Christmas day with the in-laws.

Bet your husband sucks it up the year of your parents turn but in true MN form your side of the family are just far more better than the family that raised the man you choose to marry.

I was with you until you mentioned his mums dementia. I think I’d encourage him, and the DGC, to spend quality time with her whilst she’s still able to fully participate.
I say this as someone who also dislikes time with the in-laws 🤣

Don't be so silly.

You’ve got to go mate, Granny’s last compos Christmas is a big one.

You’ve also got to have a big treat day with just the fam before New Year.

This year the answer is compromise, ie go to his family's but for a much shorter time, and state the fact that he's working the days either side so needs rest as your reason.

Dementia is highly unpredictable. It can accelerate quickly and suddenly so that someone gets abruptly worse in months, or it can be drawn out over years and decades. You really can't know what awaits. So I really would advise trying to balance being with affected family members but not sacrificing all your time and comforts to that.

I think you are being selfish OP. It's DH's turn, regardless of his mother's health.
He's only got the 1 day off, it's his turn, but you begrudge it.

Don't think you're unreasonable to not want to go to the in laws but you can't choose their turn to change the plan, that is unreasonable.

I say suck it up this year but let both sides know from 2027 onwards you'll be celebrating at home.