AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Yes and those claiming it is rape

I agree with PPs so won't repeat.

How did you ahem get it up there? Did you stand on your head?

I'm guessing this thread will disappear, as thos is such horrible behaviour, you wouldn't even post it on an anonymous forum.

@PaperKingfisher If you are pregnant and your husband leaves you, will you be expecting him to still pay for the child he didn't want and that you forced upon him? Or will you have enough money to raise two children alone? How will you explain what happened to your child, will you tell them their father didn't want them and left and won't pay for them or ever see them or will you tell them what you did? What about your husband's mental health knowing he has fathered a child he didn't want? And the feeling he either walks away and looks like a shit, because you sure as hell won't tell everyone the truth as to why he has left you, or he has to stay and try to bond with a child he explicitly said he didn't want.

What you have done has far more reaching consequences than you getting the baby you want. I really, really hope you aren't pregnant and that you come to your senses after reading the replies on here.

Well, no, because condoms fail - quite a lot. And what happens if they do? Does he force her into an abortion? If a man never wants another child again, then a vasectomy is the only real option.

This.
What you did, OP, was very wrong. If I was him and I found out, that would be the end of the relationship.
However, if he has decided that he doesn't want to father another child, he should take responsibility for this, and have a vasectomy.

No it’s not. The sex was fully consensual. What happened after isn’t a part of it and didn’t even involve the man.
It is not comparable to rape at all. Don’t do that.

That doesn’t excuse it, it’s still awful and unethical.

OP you should see a therapist to come to terms with this issue, you’re risking your relationship.

Don't feel ashamed - it is just a measure of how sad and desperate you feel.

It is so hard when partners are not on the same page about this very fundamental issue.

Where do you stand deep down? Are you willing to leave him over this and find another partner or way of conceiving? - do you feel that desperate? If so, he needs to know this. Whatever happens he needs to get a grasp of how fundamental this is for you and how deeply you feel, as it will corrode your relationship - he needs to understand that rather than thinking it is just a casual want on your part.

And yet he's relying on the unreliability of condoms

Indeed if she does get pregnant it’s plausible as condoms alone aren’t always reliable.

I think people are being very harsh on the OP. She feels what she feels and this has led her into an action that she knows full well was not right. But my question is whether her OH really gets how important this is to her. It is still fine for him to disagree, but he needs to do so in full possession of the facts.

Because that’s a permanent solution. Condoms are a perfectly acceptable alternative until he’s sure. He just needs to make sure he flushes them to avoid ‘tampering’.

I think it does matter. He has said no to more children. That decision will affect the OP for the rest of her life, he in 10 or 20 years could change his mind and have kids with someone else. He’s making the call for no more kids and running out the OPs fertility and not his own.

The OP shouldn’t be doing what she is, obviously, but it’s her fertility he is be cavalier with, not his own.

I mean, it was ethically totally wrong, but personally I wouldn't call it "rape", but it's completely non-consensual.
But to say it "didn’t even involve the man" is disingenuous - it involved the spermatozoa produced by him, moments earlier, in his own body. It didn't cease to be a part of him at the point of ejaculation.

Except for the 15% typical use fail rates...

I know what I did was hugely wrong and I deserve all the nasty replies and more.
I actually had a syringe I use for medical reasons anyway, so I used that. Also the condoms we use don’t contain spermicide, not that any of those things matter, but I just wanted to make it clear.

As you say, it's very unlikely you will become pregnant. Just don't do it again!

I do get the biological urge which you can get at any time, not just when ovulating, but it does wear off. Let common sense prevail and you'll be content with that in time.

Would he have consented if he knew she was going to do this? How is it different to stealthing? Morally, not legally

And that’s the problem. The OPs fertility is limited and his isn’t. So he is preserving options until he is sure in a way that she can’t.

Are you not worried about the damaged sperm causing an unhealthy baby?

And yet on a thread a few days ago a man was berated for not using a condom even though his wife had the coil. But this time it was ‘if he wanted to be sure he should have used a condom’. Men really can’t win on MN. This is a violation of trust on OP’s part and for many would be relationship ending. And rightly so.

I strongly recommend that you never ever tell ANYONE that you have done this, even your best friend and family. ANYONE.

Next, you really need to forgive yourself whatever the outcome.

Perhaps your marriage will not survive but bear the guilt.
Never admit it.
It will solve nothing.

I think you need therapy, to decide do you want to remain married?

Then can you afford to have another child yourself by a donor.

Think of all the consequences for your existing child too.

Be kind to yourself.

This is a horrendous thing to do but posters saying this is like rape are wrong.

It's an abuse of consent but it is still not rape or like it.

They are two very different things.

Look Im old, and I would have said what everyone else is saying in my 30s. The benefit of experience means I have a completely different perspective on this now -and not a politically correct one. You only get one life, only one chance to have the children you want. He is dictating it for you. Thats not ok. I think women do this all the time, but won't admit to it. My (now ex-DH) always dictated when we had each of our 4 kids and I resent that. I never did what you did, but I wish I had. It was always me, literally begging, and having to wait for his lordship to approve it, so I completely understand that absolute animalistic urge to have more babies. It consumes you! When you are told no, its like every person is pregnant, everyone has babies, everywhere you turn. Its awful. I know in theory its wrong, but fuck it. As I say, that urge is there for a reason. Id just keep doing it, but dont ever ever tell him.

And for the people saying its akin to rape, have a word with yourself. I work with rape victims. Its a bloody insult to say that.

It’s his right, just the same as if OP didn’t want any more children that would be her right.