AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

It's very wrong because it's deliberately misleading. It is reproductive coercion and abuse.

I strongly object to it being referred to as rape though, that is very offensive to rape victims.

For those who aren't aware - The legal definition of rape in the UK (England and Wales) is when a person intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person with their penis, without that person's consent, and without a reasonable belief that the other person consents.

If your urge to have a baby is stronger than your love and respect for your husband then you leave and find another way to get pregnant.

IF this is true then it’s appalling.

As well as being unfair on your husband, do you not think it's unfair on the potential future child to be born when you know they were clearly unwanted by their father? Surely that should trump some imaginary idyllic relationship you hope you DS will have with them?

OP could even leave him and get a sperm donor, and go it alone. Would that really make her happy though? And would it be in her existing child's best interests? Almost certainly not, to both.

Unfortunately, she's in a situation where the best option is probably to try to work through it as a couple - but I think in that case, her DH needs to understand how badly it's affecting her.

It's a massive violation of his personal autonomy and freedom to choose if he wants to reproduce again. It does not fit the definition of rape though however creepy and disgusting the OP is.

That's reproductive rape.

I'd leave immediately if I was your spouse.

If this has only just happened then morally you need to go and get the morning after pill ASAP. Then speak to a therapist to work out where you go from here. Maybe divorce and a sperm donor is the right thing for you, but you mustn't steal your partner's sperm again

It's a legal technicality. I can't get het up about it, and frankly it's an odd point to take. It does one victim no good at all to diminish another.

What the OP has done is probably covered by some part or other of the Sexual Offences Act 2003. I'd need to dig about to work out which bit. Of course, the point's moot because the long, long odds are she will get away with it.

That is disgusting.

You’ve had some v harsh comments, but you know this is wrong. You are putting your marriage in jeopardy with this behaviour. Counselling would be a good idea.

Did he want more than 1 DC before DC1 arrived on the scene? Like when you talked about the future and got married did you both want more than 1 DC? Was it DC1 being hard work that changed his mind or did you have complications and he nearly lost you, or did he never want a second anyway?

The second DC could be just as hard, have additional needs, disabilities, you could suffer complications... it is always a risk and no guarantees. Just pure luck.

Do you have other support on hand to get you through the baby stage if you did have DC2? Could you, would you do it all without his input? Someone else to look after you?

I would think tactically if you are serious.

1. Did he want more than 1 DC when you began? If yes, there is a chance he could come back to that.

1. If yes, what are his concerns? If you can get him to confess the truth then you have a chance of putting a plan together to address those concerns.

Well it's not just her happiness that matters though is it? Would it be in the unwanted child's best interests to be brought into this? Almost certainly not. Her DH can both understand how it is affecting her but still not want a child. Her happiness does not trump his.

Come on people, stop feeding it!

It is reproductive coercion and abuse. I totally agree with the depth of how wrong OPs actions are but it is NOT RAPE. Please stop calling it rape and minimising actual rape in doing so.

I doubt a rape victim would agree. I've spoken to a lot of them in my career.

I think you need to talk to him very honestly here, OP as this is clearly deeply affecting you.

Does he know that it could be a deal breaker in terms of your marriage? And was he supportive to you with your first if they were hard work? Is he a good Dad now?

That's why I said it wouldn't be in her existing child's best interests. Because it's obviously not all about her happiness.

Additionally, I didn't say her happiness should trump his, I said he needs to be aware of how badly it's affecting her - for a number of reasons.

He uses fairly ineffective birth control. That doesn't excuse the OP at all but a vasectomy is what he needs to do.

@PaperKingfisher I think this is a sign you need to split up.

What! This can’t be real. Is this not a crime?

Also no I really can’t “imagine the rest”.
What could you do in the bathroom with a used condom and presumably no turkey baster or syringe?

Did you just try to shove the cum up there with a finger?

Yes, to be fair, condoms have a 'typical use' fail rate of around 15%, so OP's DH is taking a huge risk every time he has sex with her anyway.

Because he uses a condom & trusts his wife?!

Condoms aren't that reliable, though.

Read the definition of rape. This isn't it. Equally this thread from the OP is quite grim.

Hopefully your method for conception won’t have worked because if you do become pregnant, your DH will always have a niggle about it, he may well ask you if you went at the used condom and then the shit will hit the fan. Even if he were to ask you how it could be possible you’re pregnant, your guilt or feigned innocence will give it away.

Come clean to your husband, go to the pharmacy & get the morning after pill as the reality you could get pregnant without his consent.