AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

I'm not sure you actually understand how serious it is, given what you wrote here. The seriousness is precisely because it's retroactively sexually nonconsensual. His consent was given under certain conditions, which the OP knew, and she violated those conditions.

As you surely know, rape (and other violations of consent) is a psychological trauma as much as it's a physical one, so I'm not sure why you think the lack of physical harm to his body is a sticking point. (And I've already agreed with you that this isn't rape - merely on the same continuum.)

Frankly, it seems as though your intent on this thread isn't to stand up for rape victims - it's to downplay the seriousness of the OP's actions.

And to be clear the retroactive violation of consent is because it affects something quite fundamental for the OP's husband - his reproductive rights. This is not the same as someone waking up and thinking, oh I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known you were a Tory. This is most analogous to men who deliberately infect their partners with STDs. It does not matter that consent was enthusiastically given at the time of sex - it's a retroactive violation that is fully comparable to sexual assault.

I completely understand how serious it is, but it is in no way on the same continuum as rape, and as someone who is a rape victim many times over, I find the insistence on comparing it to sexual assault offensive and deeply inaccurate.

There's no equivalent because male and female biology work differently, but having one's genetic material (once discarded) placed into another person while they are in another room, at small risk of conception, is not at all like being penetrated or otherwise having your body used sexually against your will, as a form of domination, dehumanisation, and/or humiliation.

It is possible, you know, for something to be wrong (morally or legally), or psychologically traumatising, and yet also not related to sexual assault.

In this specific instance yes, it is all about what the male wants because it was his consent that the OP violated. Just as it would be all about what the woman wants if she insisted on using condoms for contraception but the man she was having sex with removed it part way through.

Saying that this basic understanding of consent is "indoctrination" is insane.

You’re no different to men who stealth remove condoms. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour but you know that.

Forcing somebody into parenthood against their will is abhorrent. If you truly want another child you may need to consider exiting the relationship.

I'm really sorry to hear that OtterlyAstounding x

Thank you ❤ But I didn't intend to insert myself into it - I just really don't think it can be considered comparable to rape, or sexual assault. That's not to diminish the seriousness of it at all - it could result in a human life that the father then has responsibility for financially supporting (and raising, if he's decent), and that's a massive and awful thing to put on someone deliberately without their consent. But sexual assault? I'll die on the hill of not thinking it's a reasonable comparison 😅

OtterlyAstounding Throughout this thread we have posted very similar posts. I really don't think what the OP did was right either. It's actually really awful and very grim. I, like you just don't agree that it is sexual assaul or rape. Not as the law stands now.
Again, I'm sorry for what you have gone through, bless you it sounds awful x.
We have been quoting facts though haven't we. Take care x

It's one of those that isn't illegal but feels as though it should be. Like that transgender "woman" who went viral by posting about how he took his friend's used tampon out of the bin and stuck it up his bum, so he could pretend he was the one having a period and her blood was his. Quite a few people said that what he had done seemed like a sexual offence, although it didn't technically fit the legal definition of any.

What if it works and they split up over this? Is he going to be made to pay maintenance for a child he didn’t consent to?

Legally, this is not rape. Lawyer here, I’m aware of the legal definition and it’s not even close. Even factually, it is not even close. It is, however, unethical and manipulative and frankly grim. But op already knows this.

It’s not going to work. But if it did of course he’d have to pay. The op isn’t going to admit what she did. That’s the type of secret you take to the grave or on an anonymous forum!

on what planet do you think this is acceptable? It is wrong, selfish, deceitful and cruel. He has said he doesnt want anymore children and whilst I totally understand your craving for another child this is just wrong. You need to sit down with him and have a true heartful chat. If you decide your wanting another child trumps being married you need to divorce and find a new partner.

It happens all the time. Men don’t get the snip when they say they don’t want any children. They then rely on partner to keep on top of that even if she wants another child. In that case, he’s setting himself right up!

In this case though the guy did make every effort. The op is just very resourceful!

No. A man who doesn't take steps to ensure contraception when he doesn't want a child is a fucking idiot. A man who pokes holes in the condom when he wants a child but his partner doesn't is a deceitful, untrustworthy arsehole.

What the OP is saying she did is much closer to the latter than the former. That's not being resourceful, that's being a shitty person.

No it isn't. It's reproductive cpersion and contraceptive sabotage.

Sexual assult would be her claiming to be on contraception or tampering with the condom before sex.

If she's in the uk it wouldn't be rape as woman cannot rape a man here.