AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

What are your sources on this? Has it ever actually been successfully prosecuted? Because I looked it up after your comment and it seems it isn't actually illegal as of 2022 in the UK, nor is it a sexual offence, according to the few things I've found. It probably should be illegal, but it isn't currently.

It's remarkable that there are multiple posters who seem very invested in the idea that this is not, and/or should not, be a crime (not you, but certainly others)

I've had a quick look at I think it could be arguable, as someone else has said, under the SOA 2003. The coercive control point seems very woolly to me, and implausible unless part of a wider pattern. It would be good to see the CPA test the former.

In the post from 8.10 this morning I quoted directly from what I found on Google - it was pretty much the first result. It also talked about a test case in Germany where a woman was successfully prosecuted for ‘spurgling’ as they referred to it and specified that although test cases from other countries can have an effect on UK law - referred to as Persuasive Authority - there was already a legal framework in the UK with which to prosecute.

I couldn’t find any cases of successful prosecution either - it kept coming up with the fact that it’s difficult to prove and consequently rare. I must admit, I was surprised. I’m searching for the actual article - will have to go back through todays’ searches and when I find it I’ll post it in full. I paraphrased a little in my post referencing it, but much of it was directly quoted.

Agree spermicidal would be the answer if he’s so set against another child, but to be fair it’s probably never crossed his mind that his wife would go rummaging about in the bin, syringe in hand !!

No one is minimising or downplaying rape.

If anything, the comparisons to rape - which are mostly along the lines of what I said; this is a sexual violation that's adjacent to rape, or on the same continuum of removing consent - are made in order to emphasise how harmful the OP's actions are.

Some violations of consent are more harmful than others but their effect is fundamentally comparable. If you were rinsed out of your life savings that's undoubtedly more harmful than if someone nicked your bike, but the crimes are on a continuum with each other.

Exactly. The posters complaining about the rape comparisons are, by implication, downplaying and minimising the awful - and very possibly seriously criminal - act the OP has committed.

there’s an expression, goes something like, ,naivety /lack of knowledge/etc., is no defence.
🤔😁 thus:
since he’s apparently not had ‘the snip’ or use spermicides, he’s poss not especially fussed 1 way or t’other……

Seriously. Why does it always come back to the snip ?

🙂

The guy in Germany lost the case. It went to court because he didn't want to pay child maintenance.

It would be poetic justice if OP ends up a single parent of two children and the second has additional needs.

Did you really just write that? I feel sorry for your children if this is how your mind works.

That’s an awful thing to write. Sometimes it’s better to keep horrible thoughts to yourself

No, it’s ‘ignorance is no defence’. You can’t possibly allege ignorance when he’s used a condom. It’s not an indication of how ‘fussed’ he is. He used a condom, he expressed a wish not to have more children. OP violated that wish by doing what she did. What I don’t understand is the need for some posters to minimise what OP did. She knew he didn’t want more children. She wasn’t ignorant of his wishes.

If you had quoted the whole post you would have noted I have every sympathy for the children in this scenario.

On the other hand, I have nothing but contempt for the mindset of the OP and her supporters on this thread. I have no time for the false equivalence regarding rape, but what she is doing stinks on every level.

This is a direct quote word for word from Google.

A German court convicted the 39-year-old woman of sexual assault and sentenced her to a six-month suspended sentence. She did not actually become pregnant, but she later messaged the man to confess what she had done.

Presided over by Judge Astrid Salewski in the city of Bielefeld in May 2022, the court established a legal precedent. Prosecutors initially considered a rape charge before reducing it to and convicting her of sexual assault, ruling that tampering with birth control without consent amounts to a reverse form of "stealthing"

And maybe one of them is allergic to the spermicides used in condoms. It might be the OP and the husband is being thoughtful. Which would make it even worse.

How can it be sexual assault if he wasn't even in the room nor was physically touched?

She took a condom out of the bin. He wasn't there.

No. Nobody is minimising or downplaying what OP has done.

It's repellent.

But comparing getting a condom out of a bin to a physical assault on a person where they are penetrated and violence used is very much minimising what actual rape victims have experienced.

And that's also repellent.

But as this thread seems to be littered with men that doesn't surprise me.

I was taken aback by that too. What a nasty thing to say.

I can only find that on AI.

Have you seen it on an official website?

So posters who are talking about it being illegal, are just making nonsense up.

It should be illegal but it's not, and it's certainly not currently legally considered sexual assault.

You don't need to say something is 'adjacent to rape' to communicate how serious it is.

Something that didn't involve nonconsensual sexual activity (the woman may not have even thought of taking the condom, during sex – it might not have occurred to her until afterwards), and didn't involve the man's body (the semen was discarded and she didn't need to go near him, unlike if he'd tried to impregnate her, which would necessarily involve her body), isn't rape or sexual assault.

No one did anything sexually nonconsensual to his body.

Let’s be honest it’s not illegal as it will be rare and nearly impossible to fall pregnant this way .

Who on earth is going to pass a law, and the costs and admin involved in that to stop someone stealing semen from a used condom and smearing it inside themselves, not least as condoms contain a spermicide. I can’t even imagine that debate in the House of Commons.

actually i said; “something along the lines….”
soo yet again, it’s all about what the male wants! look into how indoctrinated you are?

Also whilst here, feel the need need to draw folks attention to facts of declining birth & fertility rates in UK, with larger ageing population.