AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Taking responsibility and using condoms instead of forcing the woman onto birth control 'should' be enough. He shouldn't have to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want to. But in this case he would be better off with a vasectomy.

I don't think op will be back!

Twice. They are young adults now. She does not have a happy marriage. I haven't heard from her in a few years so it may be that they aren't actually married anymore.

I know quite a few mums who got pregnant while on the pill who have subsequently admitted they secretly stopped taking it. I have always thought this is probably more common that people care to admit.

Absolutely this. You did something you shouldn't have done. You know that. You almost certainly won't get pregnant that way, thank goodness, because the baby would always be problematic.

I'd suggest a few therapy sessions where you can talk this out. If having another baby is SO important to you, you need to leave your husband and have a baby with someone else.

Tbh anyone else, in the sense that it's the baby you want, not the man

Don't keep beating yourself up. Its done, you k iw it's wrong. Draw a line.

Bur get some help 🥰

She'll be reading, though (imo)

That's a risk he consents to though.

It's very different to do what OP has done which is to attempt to get pregnant deliberately & dishonestly.

If he knew what OP was doing he would probably just not consent to sex with her or get the hell away from her if he's got any sense

Under what part of The Police And Criminal Evidence Act would this be a crime? Having said that, I don't agree with it, but It's not a crime as far as I know.

He consented to sex. He didn't consent to possibly impregnating her. The two things are different.

@PaperKingfisher you should read EmpressStorm’s post. This should be enough not to do it again.

No one is stopping you from leaving your husband and finding someone to impregnate you (it’s not hard).

I’m not a man but I’d leave over something like this. And he has no way of knowing, poor guy.

I am pretty sure my brothers wife did this to him a few months into their relationship. She was apparently on the pill and ‘accidentally’ got pregnant just when her best friends were all popping out babies and when he was set on emigrating to another country. It’s disgusting and I have never trusted or liked her because of it. I hope you don’t get pregnant and you never do this again. It’s controlling and sick to the extreme and you are setting up that second child to be resented by your husband. What a sick dynamic to bring them into as well, it’s an awful lie and as people say akin to rape.

In this sense it would be ‘accidental’

Unless you slipped and fell onto a condom vagina first, this would in no way be accidental. So you are proposing lying to your husband for the rest of his life.
I am desperately trying to find a modicum of compassion here but I am struggling. I wonder how you feel about men making decisions about women's reproductive rights. If you are fine with that then, I guess, you acted in line with your values. But even then, I do wonder how you envision it playing out. I wonder if you think it will be just like those SM videos "My husband said he never wanted a cat now look at them" with a man snuggling with their new fur baby. Except it's a human baby we are talking about with absolutely no guarantee that your husband will forget his reservations as soon as you plonk them into his arms.
It's a mess and I don't really know how you got there. You are right, you only have one life so if this is important to you, leave your husband and pay for a willing sperm donor.

If it was a man doing the same to a woman you wouldn't be taking this stance though but it's no different - and no less wrong - to a bloke putting a hole in a condom without telling his partner

I wonder if it could be argued that it falls under stealthing, but in a weird roundabout way, with the sexes reversed I guess.

YABU

That’s a wicked thing to do.

Get some therapy. I feel for you but this is one of those areas in a relationship where there can be no compromise. You feeling hard done by doesn’t change that. It is what it is.

I’m sure many ‘accidental’ pregnancies aren’t that and tbh I see this as no different to a woman saying she’s on the pill and isn’t. Condoms aren’t 100% effective so yes he’s used one but it’s still a risk 🤔

Sure.

Technically both are lying, but using sperm which will be tainted with spermicide from a used condom snd rubbing it In yourself is a step lower, on the first at least you have a chance of healthy sperm, not dead or damaged,

School holidays? Thought they'd ended.

Oh god OP, you know how wrong this is. I am concerned for your mental health. There is such an air of desperation and rebellion about what you did, it's like you're not thinking straight. I would have a good conversation with DH about how you really feel and see if there is any leeway. If you're thinking of leaving, are you sure you're prepared to disrupt your little family and existing child for a 'biological urge'? There's wanting something ... and then there's obsession.

Oh yes, I do agree that it's terrible behaviour on her part. But he's taking a 2 - 15% chance of her getting pregnant and potentially keeping the pregnancy, which isn't insignificant. He would be wise to get a vasectomy if he doesn't want to have any more children, regardless of the situation with OP - and more men should do that, if they feel strongly about not having children.

It isn't a criminal offence as the law stands now in the UK. I can only reiterate that I don't agree with what the OP has done, but I highly doubt it will lead to pregnancy.

Yes. I agree. For a man who is determined NOT to have another child , ever....condoms are a strange choice of contraception

Probably because he didn't expect his wife to do something so despicable.

@PaperKingfisher the child would not want to brought into a relationship where you can’t even agree on conceiving it. If you do accidentally on purpose get pregnant your relationship with your H maybe doomed and what a miserable time ahead for the child to watch that and then suffer from their parents divorce.

Your actions are selfish. You either both want the child and fully commit to loving it together and loving each other forever more or you don’t have another child.

Unfortunately, you chose the wrong H for you.