AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Because it's not happening during sexual activity, and it didn't involve his body, but instead his discarded fluids.

You don’t deserve all the nasty comments. You’re only human and have very human wants and desires. You made a mistake and know that. I don’t think this is the solution, how would you feel if it worked and you did end up pregnant?

I understand the urge to give your child a sibling but it’s an awful thing to do. If you get pregnant no doubt you’ll be back here saying what a crap dad he is and doesn’t pull his weight..

I mean, it's not. Everytime you have sex even with protection you're risking pregnancy. No it's not good and she should never do it again but it's not akin to rape at all.

She’d be delighted obviously.. that’s why she did it!

Or if she knows how important it is to him not to have a second child.

I disagree - guilt is a heavy feeling to carry. She already feeling very guilty hence the post.

And for the people saying its akin to rape, have a word with yourself. I work with rape victims. Its a bloody insult to say that.

While l broadly agree with the sentiment l’ve seen it said on MN that if a man removes a condom secretly, thereby risking pregnancy, it’s a violation of the woman. How is this any different. He has his reasons for not wanting any more children and biological urges are not a reason for this kind of deception.

OMG op, I’m horrified on your behalf. What if it worked and you basically live a lie going forward? That poor child. Stop being selfish and thinking of yourself. Seriously. Focus on the one you are lucky enough to have, and the family unit you have with a husband who would potentially and quite understandably leave if he ever found this out.

That is spousal abuse and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Can you imagine the outrage if a man was putting holes in his condoms to trap a woman.

You should come clean and apologise to him, then go to see someone for help, counselling or something.

So when MN takes the view that a man secretly removing a condom before sex is akin to rape you would disagree ? It’s about consent. And what OP has done makes a mockery of that.

You should feel guilty - that’s an awful abuse of trust in a marriage. You’d best hope he never finds out. If it was me - I’d divorce you as I’d never trust you again.

Wrong! This is the equivalent of an assault, and this should not be minimised.

Because a woman is going through pregnancy and birth. You can't deceive a woman into doing that. Im not saying its great to make an unwilling dad a father for another time - but its not anywhere near the same thing in my view.

Id be genuinely interested to know the ages of all the women who are up in arms here. I do think us older generation whove had our kids may have a different perspective. I could be wrong.

They’re still his discarded fluids though. And again, it’s about consent. Had OP asked him could she use them in this way do you think he would have consented ?

“As it goes, you’ve gone down in my estimation Stace.”

Agree. This is an awful betrayal of what your husband wants and believes is happening (preventing a pregnancy) but it’s not rape.

But he would still have a child, still be liable for child support payments, will have had his DNA stolen!!!

It is literally the definition of controlling your spouse if you force them into having a child they didn’t want, ask for, consent to, and took steps to prevent.

I wouldn’t say I’m up in arms, l just think it’s a shitty thing to do and it calls the whole debate around consent into question. I’m early sixties, by the way.

And they weren’t discarded, they were stolen

IDon’t beat yourself up too much. People are such saints, I don’t know how they keep it up. I do stupid things the entire time. Fishing a condom out of the bin to attempt to impregnate yourself was definitely a stupid thing, but as someone who went through 8 years of infertility before conceiving I understand the desperation. Can you try talking to your husband about how much you want this? He might budge and if not at least you can evaluate your own feelings properly.

Absolutely.

Get him to 'confess the truth?' What's there to confess? It's not a fucking sin to not want a second child, and there's no need to put a 'plan together to address his concerns.' What on earth needs planning? Someone's allowed to not want to reproduce. The OP has acted disgustingly. It's utterly abhorrent.

This post surely has to be rage bait? I can't believe anyone would do this and then ask the internet if she should feel bad...

OP - Im sure you are reading this and absolutely mortified by the outrage and feeling a lot lot worse. Remember this is AIBU. In the real world this happens all the time, and has always done. You are NOT a monster. Its not the big unusual deal people are making out. I bet a lot of the people who are feigning outrage were probably concieved in this exact way!