AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Wrong on every level

I think you’re right and probably rape isn’t the right terminology, but there is definitely an issue around consent - it should work both ways. If a condom is worn during sex then it implies that both partners are actively engaged in preventing pregnancy.

Nutcase behaviour

Which occurred after the sex had taken place.

He still consented to sex which was protected.

Her actions afterwards do not change that. She has violated his consent to not have a child. Not his consent to protected sex.

No, it's the idea that a woman is "supposed to have a life with only one child" that I can't get worked up about. Yes, that is what she's supposed to do if her husband is clear he doesn't want any more. And? He doesn't actually owe her any number of children. We don't always get everything we want from life and we have to be OK with that.

Forgive me for answering a question with another question but if OP had asked him could she take the discarded condom out of the waste paper basket and try to impregnate herself with the contents, would he have consented ? If not then surely she stole the contents. And if he had known that this was what OP intended to do, would he have flushed it instead ?

He's consenting to & accepts that risk.

He's not consenting to the much higher risk that OP is taking.

That's very, very different

Which leads us back to the issue of consent.

Agree. If he’s using a condom he’s consented to protected sex - the reason being he doesn’t want to create a pregnancy. Whichever way you look at it, OP has violated that consent.

It is still 100% absolutely nothing like rape.

Nor is it anywhere near it.

Didn’t say it was.

They HAD protected sex.

She took the condom after sex had taken place, not during.

The only way it would be comparable to stealthing is if she took it off DURING sex.

She did NOT violate his consent to have protected sex, she violated his consent to not get pregnant.

They are two very different things. 🙄

he’s consented to protected sex - the reason being he doesn’t want to create a pregnancy. Whichever way you look at it, OP has violated that consent.

I think we’re saying the same thing.

You are endlessly implying it and either you are limited in critical thinking or you're deliberately avoiding the facts.

What took place was not stealthing, was not rape and did not violate his consent to protected sex.

We are really not so stop twisting my words to fit your narrative.

No court in the land would convict OP for stealthing.

Yeah...fuck that. Considering 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, and most women want more than one child, I think that giving up having more kids isnt ok. Its actually an incredibly big deal if that is what you want.

Everyone getting so mad, when actually your mothers and grandmothers would have done this a lot.

I didn't do it. In my 20s and 30s when I was having kids I felt like a lot of people here. My DH dictated when we had every child, and I spent years between children absolutely desperate for more each time. I wish Id just done what the OP did tbh. I dont see it as so bad. I think that a DH should care as much about how many children their partner wants. This idea that the person who doesn't want more children has the final say is ok just minimises how controlling it is to do that to a woman - especially when you've gone into that marriage expecting a family together.

They're not the same thing but they are two pretty closely related things. Consent regarding protected sex is very much about consent regarding risk of pregnancy. People don't insist on condoms just because they think they look nice.

I think you should take the morning after pill (if you haven't ovulated yet) and then come clean about your actions to your husband

Massive betrayal and he should be able to make an informed decision if he wants to remain in a relationship with you

This isn't about your feelings, its about a baby that deserves to be wanted by both parents.

But surely the important thing in this is the baby who deserves to be wanted by both parents

👏🏻👏🏻

If he doesn't want another child he doesn't want another child.

OP have a think about what would happen if you did get pregnant but the child was disabled. Or got cancer or some other health condition - and the impact that would have on the rest of the family.

Your DH does not want any more children. If you really can't live with that you will need to find a new partner.

It's terrible - you are totally minimising the impact and cost (both emotional and financial) of having another child. If someone doesn't want that, that IS up to them.

And environmental cost come to that.

The impact of having a child is a million times greater than not having a child.

And maybe the first child doesn't want a sibling (or will only wish they had one when they need to deal with the elderly OP being all needy and no doubt demanding their attention 24/7),

I am not a dog person - but get a dog OP.

What took place was not stealthing, was not rape and did not violate his consent to protected sex.

I quoted the law on stealthing and asked how what OP did was different. It was a question. I also agreed with a poster upthread who said it couldn’t be prosecuted as rape the way stealthing is because it didn’t take place during sex, but afterwards. I was trying to make the point that what she did negated his consent in a similar way - he used protection because he didn’t want another child, and by her actions OP removed that protection, and by definition, his consent.

I think you and others are minimising the emotional impact on a woman who wants more children to not have them. Its huge. Life changing, and a long life full of regret. And men can make that call not to, then later on change their minds, divorce us and go on to have more children with someone else into their 70s if they want. If OP doesnt have another child soon she may never and he may go on to do just that. Its not fair or equal.

FWIW I also think the same about pets. Often people state that if a person doesnt want a dog or cat then that family shouldn't have them. They don't take into consideration that some people are far happier in life with a companion animal in their life, and dont want to live without one. Its really important to them. So I dont agree with this modern thinking that the 'no baby/no dog/cat' person trumps the one who does.

As I say, Im ancient. Life is short. Missing out on what you want is important, and if someone loves you they should care about that. It should be a consideration to them at least.