AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Wtaf did I just read

I agree with this. What you did was a huge betrayal of trust and you absolutely should not repeat it.

It is unlikely to work (how unlikely depends on quite a lot of factors), but it’s no excuse.

The partner who does not want a child has the final say (before conception, obviously) because a child deserves to be wanted. There is, unfortunately, no “halfway house”compromise here. One of you gets what you want and the other does not.

You need to decide what you want more- your marriage, as it is, or another child. if it is the latter, end your marriage and work towards having your second child. That might mean going it alone with a sperm donor, as meeting a new partner and integrating them into your child’s life before having a baby with them is going to take quite some time. Rushing that process just to allow you to have another baby would be highly irresponsible.

I think you may benefit from counselling to deal with your feelings, carrying on as you are is not feasible. I hope you can find a way to move forward sensibly, for your sale but also that of your family.

She’ll be ok. She started this by asking if it was unreasonable to feel guilty about her behaviour, in the hopes of an encouraging quantity of ‘maternity ✊🏼 power’ support, I’ve no doubt.
Anyone that unsure flexible about right and wrong will probably live long and prosper.

Aargh! 🤣

I’d also say, whilst this is not rape, I think it is a huge violation- of her husbands trust and his bodily autonomy. It is stealing his genetic material without his consent. It is spousal abuse, in my view. It should be illegal, even though it appears it isn’t. I think OP should feel ashamed. Being very broody is not an excuse for this sort of behaviour- she has the ability to control herself, she just decided not to. It’s a choice, it’s not involuntary.

And if she did get pregnant, it is categorically nothing like conception as a result of contraceptive failure. That is always possible when using contraception. The outcome may be the same (pregnancy) but the way it came about is not morally or ethically comparable.

the fact that other women may have done something similar does not make it in any way acceptable or excusable. It just means other women have behaved as immorally and reprehensibly as OP

Sometimes you read something and have to check that you didn't make a mistake in your interpretation.

This is one of those moments.

That was horrifying.

Really? That's weird. Yeah, I agree it should be a crime but... Very hard to prove, isn't it. I agree that 'morally' he shouldn't have to pay but again: without a confession, how would that be enforced. I wouldn't necessarily trust a confession either as it could have been coerced. It's super murky.

Best to just cremate the condom after the deed 🧨😆

Absolutely not, on any level in this case.

I'm not sure it really would be a higher risk – but no, he's not, of course. If he's against having children, he should get a vasectomy, though. Then OP can get closure and work on acceptance, and he'll know the chance of her getting pregnant is miniscule.

She didn't sexually assault her partner.

Sexual assault involves the person's body, and sexual activity. What she did was neither. It occurred after sex, and didn't involve his body. It was wrong, but it was not sexual assault, or rape, and it's disgusting that people keep saying it is.

It's a gross, horrific violation of bodily autonomy. It throws sexual consent out of the window. We're talking about what she's done as a moral act; the legal technicalities barely matter from that standpoint.

Posters defending the OP should be ashamed. I would say I'm lost as to your motives, but they are are all too obvious.

Still not rape.

Baffling isn't it?

I just don't understand why some posters are endlessly doubling down on pushing the narrative that it's the same as rape. It is absolutely nothing like rape.

It's an abuse of trust, an abuse of his consent to not have another child, but the sex was consensual. She didn't do it while they were having sex.

She took the condom out of a bin. Her DH wasn't harmed, he doesn't even know about it.

None of that is right, it's still fucking awful.

I'm guessing the posters saying it's akin to rape have never been raped or they would know the difference.

It's almost as if a load of men joined the chat.

My point in this regard is simply that it is not a sexual violation. It is not rape, and it is not sexual assault. My motivation is that, as someone who has suffered extensive and ongoing sexual violence, I find it insulting to try to say this situation is anything like that.

You can say it's morally wrong, a theft of his semen, and a violation of his attempt not to impregnate a woman, without trying to insist it's rape. I think it's shameful that you're trying to do that. Something can be bad and violating, without being rape.

Absolutely! I second everything you've said here.

It's bizarre. It's as though they think anything bad must be rape, which is hugely minimising of actual sexual assault and rape.

'Anyone who disagrees with me must be a man'.

Bingo!

Unbelievable.

Yes, because it's just so unbelievable that a woman would try to insist that something which a.) Doesn't involve the man's body, and b.) Doesn't involve sexual activity or contact, is at all similar to a man sexually penetrating a woman or girl's body without her consent.

You won’t get many women admitting it but for every “contraceptive fail” on here, far higher than the expectation, there is a woman who has done something to ensure she can get pregnant. My mum did it with me, I am lucky enough to have 3 children and not 2.

I think your way sounds bizarre and the fact he actively is ensuring you can’t get pregnant makes it a little unfair. I just stopped taking my pill. Dh knew I was so bad at taking it he agreed he should maybe do something towards contraception. After baby number 3 came along obviously.

I’ve had a lot of people asking me why it matters. Well personally I think that a man who says he doesn’t want kids, but doesn’t make the effort to get a vasectomy, is hedging his bets.

Surely you must realise that he’d probably never want sex with you ever again if he knew you did this?

Well, the jist of the thread is-

-she's done nothing legally wrong (and anyone suggesting otherwise is a man)
-it's his fault for not wanting more kids
-if he doesn't want more babies he should get a vasectomy

So why should she tell him?

Has she actually done anything legally wrong? Morally wrong, yes, but legally? I don't actually know. Anyway, you're misrepresenting what people have said - they've said that posters comparing this to rape sound like men, because it's in no way similar to rape.

And if a man doesn't ever want (more) children then the best way for him to ensure that is a vasectomy, yes. Any other method either requires the woman to take charge of contraception, or isn't reliable enough on its own. Why is it so difficult to accept that men should take responsibility for their reproductive choices?

I think this pretty much sums it up. I don’t think anyone would align it with the act of rape. The comparison was more with stealthing - treated by the law as rape because it negates consent. I think we’re getting so hung up on the technicalities that it’s clouding the issue - there was even a suggestion that condoms were used more for protection from STI’s than pregnancy, which testifies to desperation of some posters to prove that men are somehow not entitled to the same protections as women. The efficacy of condoms in protecting against pregnancy isn’t the issue here, it’s a detraction.

The fact is that OP violated her DH’s right to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy. Anyone supporting that needs to think very carefully about what that means for the issue of consent because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I didn’t say it was. I was responding to the ridiculous amount of posters thinking this behaviour is okay because she wants a baby.

I had a quick google and l must admit l was surprised to find that there is specific legislation around this. It’s Informally called ‘spurgling’ !! And it’s very serious. Using a partners’ genetic material without their explicit consent violates the legal framework surrounding sexual consent, fraud, and coercive control.

In the UK this could be prosecuted under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The courts apply the principle of ‘conditional consent’. If a man agrees to engage in a sexual act under the condition that his semen will be contained, violating that condition retroactively, legally voids his consent. It could be considered that his ejaculation was obtained under false pretences and used in a manner he explicitly didn’t agree to, so legally it can be classified as sexual assault.

Even worse for OP is that If this action occurs within an ongoing relationship, it falls directly under the auspices of the Serious Crime Act 2015 and can be considered criminal controlling or coercive behaviour. Examples of reproductive coercion explicitly recognised by UK support organisations and legal frameworks include hiding, tampering with, or sabotaging contraceptives to force a pregnancy against a partner’s will.

While criminal prosecution for this specific method is legally complex and rare, the act itself is a violation of UK criminal law.

So there we are. Legally, no means no, regardless of what sex you are. And OP might want to have this thread removed.