AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Absolutely!!!

Typical mumsnet, anyone who disagrees must be a man because women are a monolith who only think one way.

l’ve never seen the argument for vasectomy used like this anywhere other than MN. In the real world if vasectomy was substituted for condoms - or any other form of contraception for that matter - simply because one partner doesn’t want children at that particular time, the human race would die out. And I’ve never seen the same argument applied to tubal ligation. Ever.

Similarly l’ve seen women who have become pregnant despite using female forms of birth control told that they should have insisted on the use of a condom as well ‘just to be sure’. The argument doesn’t stand up here anyway. The fact is that this man did take charge of his reproductive choices. It was OP who violated that choice.

With respect this semantic argument has been an unpleasant thread derail.

Is this rape? No. Is it a violation? Absolutely. Do we need to litigate a sliding scale of violations to determine which are "worse"? Absolutely not.

I haven't been raped but I have been sexually assaulted. Some women would call what I experienced adjacent to rape. I personally wouldn't, but I'm not going to criticise anyone for describing a violation in their words of choice.

The idea of being stealthed by a man makes me feel sick, even worse than the mild sexual assault I experienced, which mostly made me feel angry. It's never happened to me but I can imagine the physical panic and the sense of utter violation. I would absolutely call it sexual assault - psychological as much as anything else, the idea that the consent you thought you were enthusiastically giving was based on a lie. The betrayal is retroactive.

This is a sexual violation. It's on the same continuum as rape. Nitpicking over the words seems unhelpful.

Because he has a choice. Do you advocate to a woman who doesn’t want any more children that she have a tubal ligation ? And in this case it’s irrelevant. He took responsibility and chose to use protection. OP took away that choice by her actions. It’s ridiculous to suggest that the only way that men can protect against this kind of violation is to be sterilised.

Spot on. The technicalities are being used by some posters as a deliberate detraction from the issue (sorry, no pun intended).

This is the best post on the thread.

It's ridiculous.

I'm child-free, always known I wanted zero children, and I haven't had my tubes tied. Maybe it would have been the most iron-clad, foolproof way to ensure I never got pregnant but the simple fact is that I didn't like the idea of invasive surgery. "Well you should have got invasive surgery" is just not a reasonable thing to tell anyone.

Maybe not. But legally it can be considered sexual assault, and if it takes place within an ongoing relationship, it’s also considered coercive control.

No it’s not. This has got to be the most stupid comparison I have ever heard. It’s like comparing a tragic car crash on a motorway to having your car dinged in a parking lot!

If you have a look upthread at my post detailing the law around this, it would seem that there are two acts of law that definitely don’t consider what OP did to be akin to having your car dinged !! It’s considered sexual assault, and if it’s within an ongoing relationship it can also be prosecuted as coercive control. Which is a relief really, because if this thread is anything to go by, there are many posters who evidently don’t consider men worthy of the same protections afforded to women. You may consider it trivial, but what OP did was a serious violation in the eyes of the law. No means no ladies. No matter your sex.

Just a quick addition - l posted upthread as to the legalities according to google. What l forgot to say was that despite it being a criminal offence, even in the event of successful prosecution there is apparently no legal mechanism with which to absolve the man from his financial responsibility. So he would still have to pay for a child he not only didn’t want, but had no voluntary part in creating.

Confidently expecting a slew of ‘well he should have had a vasectomy’ responses 🤣

Why is it unfair of him to ensure OP can’t get pregnant ? Surely that’s taking responsibility for his reproductive choices ?

ETA. Sorry, l just re-read. I misunderstood. You were saying it was unfair to him, not OP. Apologies.

Nope her method was unfair when he was actively trying to prevent pregnancy by using a condom. I agree he was actually taking responsibility for his reproductive choices.

Thats what I meant.

Thought so. Thanks for clarifying.

mmm, AI states can be as poor as only 87% reliable……added to which, why on earth doesn’t husband use spermicidal condoms?

Yes, it has been a derail. But let's not minimise and downplay rape by saying everything is rape. Just call it a violation, and leave it at that, and stop trying to insist it's morally - or legally - at all comparable to rape.

Really? Where did you find this, as a quick Google turned up this, from Wikipedia

"In July 2022 in the House of Commons, Flick Drummond MP raised the case of a constituent whose sperm was used by his ex-partner to become pregnant without his consent. Drummond characterized this as "not just 'sperm theft', but a form of sexual assault and a violation of my constituent's rights", but noted that, according to the Crown Prosecution Service, there is no law to deal with this act as a sexual assault. She asked Attorney General Suella Braverman to look into amending the law."

Then a man who doesn't ensure his partner can't become pregnant runs the risk of her becoming pregnant (purposely or accidentally) and choosing to keep the pregnancy. The same argument isn't applied to tubal ligation because a woman can get an abortion, if she wants.

And yes, doubling up on contraception is always best if a pregnancy is something that needs to be avoided. If a couple is on the same page in regards to accidents, whether having an abortion or keeping the pregnancy, it's not such a big deal...but better safe than sorry if strong feelings are involved.

Sure, but if you get pregnant you can have an abortion, so you still have options. A man who gets his partner pregnant has no options, so better not to let it get to that point, no?

I'm not defending the OP, I'm not even convinced that it's true. But incredibly disgusting of her if so.
Me and a few other posters are simply saying what is and isn't illegal when posters are calling this rape and sexual assault.
It isn't.
Morally it's disgusting, but it isn't rape or sexual assault.

to do that is taking an axe to your relationship. you do not instigate getting pregnant when you are in a relationship without their consent as well. if its forced on him what sort of life is that child going to have or your other one? row after row i should think and an unhappy home life too
if you are so adamant about another child you have to leave your partner and either go for non intercourse pregnancy ie IVF or find another partner who wants more children. mind the relationship may not be so good but thats the sacrifice you have to make

When karma strikes and the OP's theft of damaged/dying sperm leads to unfortunate consequences, I'm sure all the you-go-girl posters will be queueing up to help her. Especially as her DH will doubtless figure out what happened and will- quite understandably- walk away...

Everything else aside, as obviously her behaviour was morally wrong - why on earth would sperm from a condom without spermicide result in 'unfortunate consequences'? Surely sperm sitting in a condom for fifteen minutes or more will either kill the sperm or make no difference to it, not cause genetic or developmental issues.

A quick google this morning proved surprising. The law considers it sexual assault. See my post upthread. It’s a criminal offence and it’s covered by two specific Acts - the Sexual Offences Act 2003, and if in an ongoing relationship the Serious Crime Act 2015, because it can also be regarded as coercive control.