AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

I completely agree. And as someone who got pregnant by steatlthing, I find it abhorrent that people are trying to justify the OPs behaviour or make it out it is ok.

I genuinely as well can't believe as well that people think it is ok for a child to be born this way. To be born without the consent of one parent. To have this burden on them and that somehow a mothers feelings trump everything.

No it isn't rape what the OP did but it's still morally wrong. It's tampering with a condom and using the content without the persons consent. On what planet does anyone think that's ok or justifiable?

No they tend to use them so they don't contract STDs.

Condoms are about more than pregnancy.

Rape is violation of the victims body.

This is nothing like rape.

Nothing.

What OP did is not ok, not right and is abhorrent.

But it's not rape nor anything like it.

I’m not. One read through my posts would tell you that. And I didn’t say that OP was stealthing but that the result is the same - removal of consent. I was debating. Isn’t that what we do ? If you’re just here for an argument there are plenty of other sites.

Ok, and if her husband is adamant he doesn't see another child in his life and doesn't want to father another child.. his potential options are:

Stay in a situation he didn't want and could feel resentment at. Great environment for children to grow up in

He leaves and chooses to have nothing to do with the baby he doesn't want, and took steps to prevent from conceiving.
This child has to watch as their sibling has a relationship with their father, yet the new baby doesn't .

How is that best for any potential baby? And the existing child

Its selfish and a woman has other options if she can't see a future without another baby. She can end her relationship and use a sperm donor. What she shouldn't do is sabotage contraception and try and get pregnant against her partner's wishes.

You two need counselling. This will ruin your marriage. Your resentment will last a lifetime.

They are some stunningly selfish people on this thread. What about these children that are born into these situations? Born without the consent of a parent? Or born and growing up knowing they weren't wanted by a parent? Do their feelings and wellbeing not matter or does the mothers desire for a baby trump all else?

To be honest l was thinking the same thing. The best outcome would be for OP to get the morning after pill to be sure there’s no pregnancy and then the two of them try to work things out with counselling. Impasse is the end of the marriage as far as l can see.

Absolutely disgusting criminal behaviour, you should be deeply ashamed of yourself

And when number two is even more difficult? (Quite likely if one is ND so will number 2 be…) He will most likely up and leave and OP will be on her own with two “difficult” children.

Is there a possibly a connection between you pushing and begging your ex husband into having four kids and your divorce…😂

Can you imagine it was the other way around and he decided to deposit his sperm with a syringe whilst she was sleeping.

You're completely wrong.

The impact of having a child you don't want is far greater than the impact of not having the number you do want. Far greater! I'm child-free and the idea that I might have had to birth and raise a child gives me the chills. It would have changed my life completely for the worse.

But the absence of things I wanted that I didn't get doesn't have the same impact. An absence is simply less of a weight than an unwanted presence.

"Controlling" is a very charged word to use but yes, I believe everyone should be controlling over their own reproduction. I don't find it problematic at all.

And a husband should care about how many children his wife wants, but should a wife care about how many children her husband wants?

@Barleymoat , on rethinking it, you're right and I'll change my wording in the future.

Not much shocks me. But I'm truly open-jawed at the number of posters keen ot defend and/or minimise the OP's behaviour.

slow handclap, the fucking lot of you. This place is appalling sometimes.

I think that a DH should care as much about how many children their partner wants.
And by the same token, a DW should care about how many children their partner wants. It's a two way street.

The solution would have been very simple. The OP talks to her husband who clarifies that he definitely doesn't want more children. The OP then files for divorce and go and meets a man who does want children. What should not have happened is what the OP did. Which is wrong.

Don't do that. Don't sneer at why another woman has gotten a divorce. You can't possibly know what they've been through.

In my case, I divorced him because he became incredibly abusive to me and to my son. The final nail in the coffin was he tried to strangle me. No I did not deserve it because I was 'pushy' about having more kids. By that point I wished I had never met him let alone have any children with him, but thats a whole other story.

sorry I quoted wrong poster. Was meant for @user9764875954

I didn't say it was like rape. If you noticed, I gave two examples of behaviours that wouldn't be excused by applying the same logic. For illustrative purposes.
No need to infer something I didn't say. The point remains the same, the excuse doesn't work for any other action involving harming another person. And yes, forcing someone into parenthood they do not wish to endure is harmful.

No, he is not controlling his wife. He is simply saying no to fathering any more of her children. I am sure she is free to leave and find someone else to have a child with.
And, unlike the OP, her husband has not been given an opportunity to make a decision. He was quite literally stripped of any control of his life and future without even realising it.
You may wish to look up the definition of "control".

I'm not entirely sure what you're disagreeing with. Are you saying that stealthing is equivalent to rape? Or not?

First of all, condoms were not available to my grandmother when she was having children so I highly doubt she would do anything of sorts...
Secondly, OP is not being controlled in any shape or form nor is she being denied a family. She has one. Her husband is not chaining her to a radiator and saying she can never have more children. He is saying she cannot have children with him. Which is not control. OP is free to leave and have children. She has a choice, her husband currently does not.

I think the comparisons with rape are absolutely horrific, disgusting, and so beyond ignorant of what rape actually is.

OP, don't linger on this thread, it is toxic.
Mind yourself.

What’s toxic is the OP who sexually assaulted her partner to get pregnant. Disgusting behaviour and posters are more disgusting for enabling it.

Disgusting advice.

No one is owed or entitled to x number of children and it wasn't your husband 'dictating' things, but your primitive urges.

Without knowing her who knows.. my guess is that being pregnant would trump any feelings of guilt.

That sounds an awful lot like saying the end justifies the means.