To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

this.

The thing is he wanted none or one and was clearly talked into a compromise of 3.

ultimately it was a bad decision marrying him in the first place when their goals were so misaligned.

Op, this is not on. He's been clear with you. No one needs 3 children. You are extremely lucky to have the ones that you do have. Concentrate fully on them and live your lives. You have to drop this. Yabu.

YABU, both for wanting more than two (why??are you made of money!?) and for marrying someone who said they only wanted one or none. He has already compromised. That said, he was silly to marry you as well.

💐. I’m surprised at all the answers! I think he should have let you know when you were pregnant with your second child he didn’t want anymore.
But I would advise counselling.

So right from the start you knew he wanted a small family and he knew you wanted lots of DC.
Neither of you thought that this was a big enough red flag to call off the relationship.
I do feel saying you want 'x' amount of DC before you have even experienced parenthood and holding people to that number is really stupid. You just don't know what life will throw at you.

I thought I wanted 4DC, we've ended up with 2DC. After 4 MCs and ever-increasing bills I am very glad we stopped when we did.

I know families that have had that 'extra' DC because one of them wanted more, always the mother. I have seen the Dads feel overwhelmed, no bandwidth, just 'less' than their previous selves. You need to consider the impact on others.

He is not breaking up the family

You already have two kids. YABU.

I was talking about from the child’s point of view. Of course the man should be taking responsibility if he doesn’t want children, that’s obvious. I was thinking about what the child might feel like growing up to learn that their father never wanted them.

with regard to your bracketed paragraph. The difference with those is the lack of deliberate intent. I wouldn’t set out to purposefully conceive a child knowing their father didn’t want them. A one night stand might be thrilled, who knows.

Grossly unfair benefits comment.

Ive never wanted or needed kids my choice.
Dose that mean it was my fault all my relationship break ups was my fault.

Plus I really dont want to be paying more tax out for your uc child top ups or your child benefit payments.

This. We were the opposite, I wanted one, he wanted four. We settled on two because we wanted to give our kids the best start in life that we could afford, equally. So instead of thinking, "Can we afford three kids?", we thought, "Can we afford three young adults?" The answer was no.

I think that one would hope a man would take steps to prevent conception if he was truly against a child though. I'd assume that if he doesn't take those steps, he can't be particularly fussed either way. I do agree that it's not wise to deliberately have a child with a person who has stated they're against it - and it's not ideal to have a child grow up with only one parent - but I don't think it's automatically an awful thing.

Mostly though, I don't think it's fair to put the burden and responsibility of contraception on a woman who would be happy to have another child, and to blame her for her partner's refusal to do anything.

Driving costs and cars are not compulsory - only in the West do we have this idiocy - oh, oh, every child has to have their OWN room, we have to buy them a car and pay for driving lessons. Utter madness. My parents never even thought of buying me a car. I bought it when I could afford an old clapped-out pos. Same with driving lessons - work and save - who the fuck (I am sorry) says every teenager is entitled to a car? Eh? University I agree - but they have loans and they should choose degrees that would lead to employment afterwards, not to years and years of 'seeking oneself'. Same with accommodation - really? Like really? My dad was a surgeon and earned really really really well. Like fuck was he going to help me or my siblings with deposits. Why? How were we supposed to choose the right university course and become independent and adult if we were given all this financial assistance?

He is right. If you were to emotionally blackmail him to the point that he would have to leave in order to not have another child then you are the one doing damage to the family set up. He has every right not to be pressured into contributing to bringing another life into the world that is unwanted by him. Fair play to him for taking responsibility and getting the vasectomy done. Too many men make it the woman's responsibility.

If it's a deal breaker for you and you were to leave to be able to have a child then it would still be you breaking up the family.

It's up to you to make your peace with it or do something about it. I'll echo what others have said. Be grateful for the ones you do have. There is no guarantee 3 will make you happier. In fact another child, innocent and partly unwanted, may entirely destroy your relationship instead.

No, it would be you.

You had kids with someone for whom ‘none’ was an option - I mean didn’t you think at all about what that meant? Three was never a sensible compromise.

She’s replying to another poster, whose DH had not had the snip but doesn’t want more children, not the OP.

Your husband wouldn't have to leave rather than have another baby, he is already not having another one by virtue of having had a vasectomy. So his position is the status quo. Clearly, if you see that as a deal breaker and would leave to find another willing partner, then yes it would be you leaving the family.

Also you should never try and force someone to have a child they do not want, it's unfair on everyone including the child.

No. Its you. Be grateful and happy for the kids you have.

If it’s is YOU demanding a change in the status quo, it’s YOU who would ultimately be guilty of the family breakdown. Honestly, you sound rather selfish.

Not sure it matters who, but IMO it'd be you.

Don't know why you got married when you had such vastly different ideas of what your life would look like. Don't know why you're surprised that, after having said he wanted none or one, he didn't want a third and took steps to put his money where his mouth it. Don't why you feel resentful when you knew how he felt all along (equally, to make it fair, I don't know why he's surprised you want more when you've said so all along). But in my opinion, he clearly loves you enough to have compromised on what he wanted his life to look like by having two children. I think you leaving now would be you walking away from the family, not some fault of his.

I think he gave you his answer when he initially said one or none, it doesn’t sound the sort of man who was even certain he wanted to have children in the first instance. He had two as a method of compromise and decided that was double the max he actually ever wanted and enough for him. This isn’t a guy who said he wanted three all along then changed his mind.

Holly do you have young people
in this economy? It’s not the 90s or early 2000s any more. It’s much harder for young adults to financially “launch” now. Parents pay thousands for uni - loans aren’t enough and have
high interest. The job market is tough. Also housing market so yes parents are helping where they can now with deposits or they are stuck renting. Young parents would do well to think on this while in the midst of baby fever.

I would argue in this situation it would be whoever left that was breaking up the family.

He has already made his choice and got the snip. If you are unable to accept that and you choose to leave it is on you.