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Original poster

To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

257 replies

laptopstanley · 28/09/2026 10:02

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

OP posts:
SnappyPenguin · 28/09/2026 10:06

Hes entitled not to want more children and you need to accept it if you cannot then its you breaking up your family for a potential child that does not exist. Think about the two you have.

pavillion1 · 28/09/2026 10:07

I’d wait 10 years to when you may have to start factoring uni costs . Driving lessons car and insurance. Trying to help them get on the property ladder.. My two are hitting mid to late teens and it’s getting expensive.. I’m glad I stopped at 2

LauritaEvita · 28/09/2026 10:07

No one is breaking up the family though are they?

Batcats · 28/09/2026 10:08

I think it's all well and said having a hypothetical number of kids you want before you actually have kids. No one really know how they will take to parenting or what their capacity is until they are actually in it. Things change.

Children deserved to be wanted by BOTH parents. Being "lead" by the wife into having kids you don't want is appalling. As is guilt tripping and blaming people too into having more kids.

You have two children already. Is it really worth breaking a family up over this? Breaking up with your husband isn't going to give you a 3rd child and it'll mean you see the ones you already have less. I can't see who is winning in this case.

AgnesMcDoo · 28/09/2026 10:08

It’s equal responsibility

pavillion1 · 28/09/2026 10:08

Or even try booking holidays where you can’t all share rooms anymore.. It’s seriously expensive just for a holiday .

User3353821614 · 28/09/2026 10:10

When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five.

This was never going to work.

Tortephant · 28/09/2026 10:10

This reply has been deleted

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SnappyPenguin · 28/09/2026 10:10

Besides that he was honest from the start one or none and has already comphermised having two. You can't just stamp your feet and expect him to bow over to you.

runnerducky · 28/09/2026 10:10

It’s a mutual incompatibility. You either have to make peace with it or leave.

Is it worth leaving a presumably happy otherwise marriage and the father of your children for the idea of a third child who may never exist? Only you can know that.

MidnightPatrol · 28/09/2026 10:10

I don’t think you really know what having children is like until you have them.

Long term relationships involve a lot of compromise, this is just one in a long list of examples.

User3353821614 · 28/09/2026 10:11

He’s right though OP - if you decided to leave because you wanted more children, it’s YOU who’s not happy and the one breaking the relationship.

takealettermsjones · 28/09/2026 10:13

I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt and angry, it must be hard. Our gut feelings aren't always rational so I think you do need to let yourself feel it.

However, I think you need to inject some rationality into this however you can. Talk it out with a therapist, or start writing down the facts: your husband never really wanted kids, or just wanted one, and he's now parenting two of them. That's already a tenuous situation.

Try flipping it around in your mind - if you were the one who only ever wanted one and your husband wanted five, how would you feel about him pressuring you into having more?

I agree with PP about not breaking up your existing family for a hypothetical child. You'd see them less, you'd cause emotional issues, and you can't guarantee you'd even be able to have more once you'd found a new partner.

Imseriouslyyouguys · 28/09/2026 10:13

You knew from the start he didn’t want a big family because he told you one or none! You walked into it with your eyes open.

If you choose to end the marriage over it then it’s you breaking up the family. You’ll also get to see your existing children far less and let’s not forget that children are so important to you that it’s worth breaking up over - make it make sense.

NotWaitingPatiently · 28/09/2026 10:13

You wanted 4 children and married a man who wanted none or one......that is an enormous difference!
Focus on what you have and don't let what you don't have ruin things

OctoberMists · 28/09/2026 10:14

User3353821614 · 28/09/2026 10:10

When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five.

This was never going to work.

This.

When I asked I got a similar number to what I was thinking and enthusiasm for whole idea.

If the answer had been different I have had some hard thinking to do but I wouldn't have expected him to just change his mind. He already has one child more than he wanted so you are ahead but as to how you reconcil yourself - time I think.

ithinkthereforeyouare · 28/09/2026 10:14

He can not want more children and you can want more. Unfortunately it you that has to make the choice and either stay, accept and forgive or leave and potentially have more children with someone else. It was a risk to both of you choosing to stay together when you both had such different views on having children. What you should try to avoid is stay and resent him.

Sakura7 · 28/09/2026 10:14

You are being massively unreasonable.

MajorSamanthaCarter · 28/09/2026 10:15

Who are these husbands you keep seeing everywhere?
Two healthy children are enough and no one should be lead into having children they don't want.
Your anger and resentment might be the biggest reasons your family breaks up!

MrsShawnHatosy · 28/09/2026 10:15

In a relationship neither partner owes the other as many children as they want.

Pootles34 · 28/09/2026 10:15

Sorry OP I think you're being very unfair and not listening to him. He told you he wanted one or none - so at two he's already compromised.

Also re the vasectomy - you didn't feel you could stop him? WTF? Damn right you couldn't stop him! Jesus.

MellowSubmarine · 28/09/2026 10:16

I don’t think it really matters who is the one breaking up the relationship. It’s a fundamental incompatibility that can be very hard to deal with.

However, since you’ve asked, in your situation he is saying “I want to stay together and am happy with the status quo” and you are the one saying “I’m not happy with the status quo” so it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be the one ending the relationship, why would he? He’s happy. You’d be the one ending it.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 28/09/2026 10:16

I sympathise with you. We agreed on at least (if possible) before getting married. My husband changed his mind when we about to start trying for #4.

He changed his mind back 18 months or so, but unsurprisingly (given my age) I haven't since conceived. I was concerned at the time that this would be a short term doubt of his which would have the permanent effect of us missing my last gasp of fertility, and that seems to be exactly what's happened.

Going back on an agreement over such a major matter is a big thing to have to forgive. But it's not right to break up the family over it - marriage vows matter, and children are better off with both parents.

Please try to forgive him. You have the choice between spending the rest of your life resenting him, or spending the rest of time together happily and lovingly.

Onelifeonly · 28/09/2026 10:17

Many would consider you to be in a very lucky situation with two, presumably healthy, children. Saying you wanted at least 3 years ago is wholly different from living in the real world of having two children. If your husband had lured you into marriage, then refused to have any, that wouid be one thing, but he hasn't. He feels two are enough having experienced life as a parent and his view unfortunately trumps yours.

Life isn't a smooth path and dreams don't always come true. Assuming otherwise your marriage is good, it would be damaging and reckless to leave it to pursue a third child - seems like you already know this.

Consider the life style you can have with two as opposed to 3 children. More time and money to spend on each, along with it being easier to cope with work etc.

The most common family size these days seems to be two children.

Lougle · 28/09/2026 10:17

I think it's natural that if you had an image in your mind of lots of children, you'd feel sad if you stopped short. DH and I always thought we'd have 4 children. We had 3 in 3½ years, then it turned out that our eldest has significant SN, so we stopped at 3. I'm really glad we did because it actually turned out that they all had SN, and although we've done our best for them, they all would have benefited from being our only child in different ways, and the strain of a fourth, whether NT or ND, would have reduced our ability to meet their needs even further.

With 2 children, you can do things as a 4 or split and take one each. Neither of them have to be sacrificed. We have always had to sacrifice one child's optimal experience to accommodate the other.

Even today, with my girls being 20, 19, and 17, DD1 has to come with me to take DD2 to college and pick her up. It's not ideal for her, but it's her only option because I can't leave her at home and DD2 can't take public transport to college. Obviously, situations won't be exactly like that for you if yours don't have SN, but it's still the principle of more children than hands.

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