To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

You are coming across like Verruca Salt - someone spoilt who must get what she wants at all costs and must never be told no.

You have 2 kids, the youngest is 6. Are you sure you want to return to sleepless nights? I wouldn’t.

Personally, while a man can of course change his mind, I do think it's generally very different for a woman to change her mind about having more children, as she's quite literally risking her life and permanent life-altering injuries or damage, as well as enduring significant 'wear and tear' to her body, pain, and discomfort, every time she gets pregnant.

A fair few replies are saying it’s OP’s ‘fault’ as she went ahead with marriage & having 2 children which was (@ least) 1 more than the H had wanted. BUT why did this male go into this partnership, knowing the female actually wanted maybe as many a 5 children.
Why in the first place, did you both go ahead with this deal?
Youre both unreasonable so I haven’t voted, sorry 💐

He was honest with you right from the get go in saying he wanted 0 or 1. I'm sorry but if it was such a deal breaker things should have been ended there. I think you do need to take some responsibility here as this is not all his fault and he shouldn't be taking all of the blame like this. Could you access therapy to work through it ?

Tbh, I read the OP, thought ‘four or five kids?! In this economy?!’ and clutched my pearls.

This is true but its also perfectly fine for a woman to change her mind for no other reason than she doesn't want a child. It's not a decision thst needs to be justified in any way (and this is also true for men).

Hes already compromised!!!!! Be grateful for what you have.

Right, so you married a man who didn’t really want kids, when you wanted loads, and thought that was a great idea….? He doesn’t want more and no one should be forced into it when they have been clear they don’t want it, how unfair on any resulting children. It’s the kids you should be thinking about, not yourself op.

Unfortunately at this stage there isn't a compromise. I was desperate to have another child - it was a huge grieving process for me to accept that it wasn't going to happen - or if it did it would come at the cost of my marriage. If I'm honest, I still hold some resentment towards my husband over it, but I haven't felt desperate for another child for 2-3 years now. I get sick of being asked if we're having any more, that hurts. I do wish he'd have a vasectomy though - having to worry about avoiding pregnancy is seriously frustrating.

You wanting more is no more valid an opinion that him not wanting more!

You knew he only wanted a maximum of one from the get go and you can’t hold him to a sort of agreement of 3 kids made 10 years ago before you had any kids at all!

I would work hard on appreciating the two you have

That's true. But I do think that if it is discussed in the beginnings of a relationship and both parties are very clear that they agree on a number, and they both feel it's important to them...then the person who changes their mind is the one at fault if the marriage breaks up because of that, not the one who still wants what they both originally agreed on (cold comfort there, though).

But that's not the situation the OP is in, anyway.

I don't think it's healthy to look at it in terms of one side being "responsible" here. It is what it is. Both of you have feelings, both of your feelings are valid but unfortunately they can't coexist.

I have to accept that I will have 0 kids and no-one will ever call me Mummy. I don't even have any way of trying to negotiate myself out of that situation. It is what it is. Appreciate that it's all relative but if you've got two children and a husband who is, all things considered, a decent enough father, you are doing really well in life.

I'm sorry - that's hard, and while it of course makes sense to move past it, him putting the responsibility of contraception on you is pretty sickening.

I'd just tell him you're sick of taking care of contraception considering you're not the one who's against having another, and you're not having an abortion if you get pregnant - he'll be out the door to get a vasectomy in no time.

No one is breaking up the relationship, the problem is that there is no mutually acceptable compromise.

Not many people do have 5 kids these days as financially it is extremely hard - and socially these days 3 is considered a large family and two more normal - so can see why he assumed they'd end up where they are.

There do seem to be communication issues on boths sides or not hearing what they other is saying though.

I was very firm about number I wanted - actaully said I'd have more but finacially that's probably most we could manage and was also listening for enthusiasm as I didn't want a recultant dad doing it to keep me happy situation.

I think it's fine for you as a young woman embarking on life to have had an idea of what family looked like to you, and for that to be 4 or 5 kids.

But to be so slavishly stuck on that regardless of your partner's wishes and how your shared life has actually played out isn't reasonable. It's understandable, but it isn't reasonable.

You AND your partner can change your mind on anything, at any time, and it needs to be OK. He didn't really want any kids, he had 2. He is fully entitled, for whatever reason, to think, no, I don't want a third.

If you do, and it's more important to you than your husband, then it may well be that your marriage is over - but it would be you instigating that. Because he is happy with you and his 2 children, and you are not.

I do feel sad for you, because it's not a feeling you are entirely in control of. The drive to reproduce is biological and not rational. But that doesn't mean you can't get on top of it and move on, if you want to. Because if you don't, you'll spend your whole life resenting him and feeling unfulfilled, and that isn't fair on either of you.

If I was in a relationship where the man didn't want a child and I did then I would say okay contraception is on you, and then let nature take it's course.

There is no point in looking to blame one partner! You both got married knowing your hopes around family size were different, and now you both find two children in that you can't reach a compromise. You are both responsible and the ones who will suffer are the children.

He's entitled to change his mind. You have 2 lovely kids. Concentrate on what you have.

He got a vasectomy, so seems it was on him.

So you would be happy for a child to be born with a father that doesn’t want them?

Because it’s the op who is posting. They were both equally at ‘fault’ but it isn’t the bloke who is asking. If it was then the responses would still be ‘you’ shouldn’t have continued this relationship.

Tell him that you’re sick of worrying about contraception so unless he gets the vasectomy then you’re now just going with an attitude of “what will be will be”. Bet he’d rather have the snip than a baby.

The reality of having children is different to the theory of having them. If he initially agreed to three as a compromise, you can't take that as binding until you've actually had at least one.

Having experience of being a parent, he's decided he's good as he is. He's entitled to that.

If you decide that you need more and leave to find that, you're breaking up the family, not the one who wants to remain as is.