To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

I don't think you can base anything on conversations about hypothetical children. My hypothetical children would be extremely well behaved and I'd be a size 8 within 2 months of giving birth. Neither of those things has happened.

He's got every right to decide for himself how many children he wants - he's taken action on that by having the snip. This means neither of you have to worry about contraception. Sounds good to me!

Your first sentence assesses this enquiry in full, I think.
OP is exhibiting a shockingly childish attitude to her relationship with the husband; childish as in about nine years of age in fact.

I wanted 0 my ex wanted as many as we could

We had 1. Waited 8 years and then I finally felt ready for another - he said it's 2 or nothing as it's not fair to have them grow up alone.

We ended up with 3 and he couldn't handle it, now I'm a single mum of 3 😂

Wouldn't change them for the world though. But it's odd to think they was all his decision and yet he only sees them 4 days a month.

With someone who wanted 1 or no kids, there was already a good possibility he'd roll back on 3 once the children were a reality, he did have 1-2 more children than he said he wanted. YABU

The person breaking up the family in this scenario would be the person who left. At the moment, you've both compromised. If one of you said "I can't live with this, I'm leaving" they'd be the person breaking up the family, whether that was you or him.

fucks sake 😫

I feel like it depends on this 'sort of' agreement. Did you both actually agree to three before getting engaged, as a deal breaker to the marriage? Would you have married him if you had known you would have only had two rather than 3? If he never promised it/ or led you to believe it would happen then I don't think he has done anything wrong by you.

I have been lucky to have no disagreements over number of children in my family, but I think I would be in a similar position to you if he had wanted to be one and done as my relationship with my children is equally as important to me as my romantic relationship.

Be careful, you resentment may well break up the family you do have. If you can't get past it then the only options is to make all your lives miserable with the resentment (which will spill out into all aspects of your family life) or leave him. Saying that, I do understand your disappointment but that's all it should be, disappointment and concentrate on making your two children's lives as happy as possible with two loving parents who are both on board.

He's allowed to change his mind how many, the reality of parenthood is very different to the daydream/pillow talk chit chats we have when get together and plan for our future. It shouldn't be set in stone and those desires can change with time, experience and how life together as a family changes. A lot of people don't think how much time, energy and money having children takes until they experience it.

I think you will need help to come to terms with "only" having two children otherwise I can see it all going horribly wrong anyway because of your resentment

I think you're being unreasonable. It's simple incompatibility when this happens – no one's fault. Though, strictly speaking, if he is willing to stay in the relationship the way it is and you are the one who feels you cannot, then YOU would be the one breaking up the relationship for it.

I think it's incredibly unwise to try to hold someone to a promise for a number of children before you've even had your first. It's completely world changing and everyone is entitled to change their mind on what they may have at first envisioned they might want.

Does it suck when two people no longer agree? Of course. But that's sometimes just the way life goes. And yes, IMO, you do have to accept that you will not be having any more children by your husband. And I congratulate him for knowing his own mind and taking birth control into his own hands to prevent it.

YABU. In my view whoever is wanting to change the status quo is the one ending the relationship. So whether this is a pet, a child or moving to another country if one says no then it's no. The other is welcome to decide this is a deal breaker for them but if they split, that person is the one doing the ending.

In your case, having 3 instead of 0 or 1 was never going to be a good compromise. Be grateful for the 2 you have. I think your DH has already compromised here.

So he said 1 or none, you said 4 or 5. You had 2 which is double the 1 he wanted and half the 4 you wanted, surely that's a fair number to agree on.
But he's right, it's you initiating the break up based on the information provided in the original post.
Surely if you were not compatible on number of kids you shouldn't have pursued the relationship and found someone that wanted 4-5 kids.
I assume you compromised because having some children with him was better than no him and no kids

You are both to blame for marrying a person with set ideas on family size that didn't match their own. 'Sort of' agreeing on three wasnt good enough about such a big issue. You foolishly banked on leading him by the nose because you've observed that in other men, but he's not than man. Which you should be pleased about, because creating children not something men should be blasé about, leaving the responsibility to women.
You have two children and your first priority should be them now. How does it serve their interests to break up the family on the off chance you'll meet someone else to have more children with?

...giving your child a father that didn't want him or her, was trapped into having him or her and who would be well within his rights to leave both of you?

You do you, I guess.

This is a weird comment. People's finances vary, we have 3 children, no mortgage and could comfortably afford more if we wanted. We don't qualify for UC or child benefit.

OP - I wanted 3, thought we might have to stop at 2 because DH didn't want any more for years, but he changed his mind when DC1 and DC2 were 10 and 8. But I've voted YABU because I wouldn't have broken up the family. He didn't feel he had the capacity for any more at that time, which I respected.

In the OPs case I suspect the relationship is fairly untenable anyway. She expresses anger and resentment towards her supposed life partner. They deal with this by threatening divorce and both want to attribute blame to the other. They haven’t dealt with a fundamental element of their relationship, how many children they can emotionally, financially and practically raise together.

I agree with the people who say it's mutual incompatibility, rather than one person breaking up the family. Sometimes it's difficult to compromise on what we want in life in a way that works within a relationship, and we just can't bring ourselves to do so. And how many children to have is a fairly fundamental life decision, so I'm not buying the argument "you have two children already, you're deeply unreasonable to want a third". If you want another child, you want another child. If your husband doesn't, he doesn't. These are two fairly incompatible positions and neither of you are being unreasonable.

Also relationships that break down over these issues are rarely happy ones in their essence. Most of us could get on board with only having two children, rather than the three we wanted, if the relationship was perfect in all other respects and we were blissfully happy and felt loved and respected. But sometimes there is a pattern of compromises and not being heard and being expected just to accept things, and then this is a compromise too far. So the extra child is the final straw, rather than the main reason for the relationship breaking down.

What would you get out of 3 children that you don’t get from 2? Do you enjoy being pregnant? Do you just enjoy having a baby and now the older 2 aren’t babies anymore you’re missing that stage? I can’t fathom have loads of kids and bringing them into the world we have now. My youngest is 9 and things look a lot bleaker than they did back then for young people.

YABU, he has every right to say no to more children, you also have every right to want more but if you can’t live with his choice then you’ll have to leave him but the impact on your children will be life changing and you’ve got to be prepared for how much this may hurt them.

My thoughts as well. The mismatch was glaringly obvious, and you only 'sort of settled'...

At least he had a vasectomy. My husband refuses to have one even though we have an unplanned 18 month old (4th child, were 44 and 54!) he still won't have a vasectomy which annoys me

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He was honest from the start, compromised by having two and then took responsibility for protection by having a vasectomy.

The ball is in your court. You have to decide if you can stop at two or want to find someone else to have more children with. But it’s a silly reason to break up a family, you should prioritise the children you already have.

He’s perfectly entitled not to want more children and after two to change his mind about want he previously said. I’m not sure why you’d want to have another child with someone who didn’t want one, or who had to be emotionally blackmailed into it.

I think this would be a stupid and selfish reason to break up a family. Think about the kids you do have and the impact on them, not on your hypothetical third child.

I imagine very few ppl want 4 or 5 kids so getting with a guy who wanted 0 or 1 and hoping he'd stay true to a compromise of 3 kids was always a bit of a stretch.

Someone who wants 0 or 1 kids clearly doesn't want a big family so despite the fact that you both maybe convinced yourselves you could compromise on 3 was always going to be tested by the reality of having children.

So no I don't blame him, it's clear theirs a mismatch and you're equally responsible for ignoring what he told you from the off.

The person that breaks up the relationship is the person that breaks it up. Yours appears doomed from the start.

I think it’s difficult to commit to something you’ve never experienced yet. Many couples say they want 2 children but realise after one that they don’t have the capacity for more.