To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

And she’s entitled to want more children and he needs to accept it if he cannot then it’s him braking up the family due to not wanting a potential 3rd child.

see how this works?

This isn’t a one way street. They either manage to get on the same page or they don’t. But the whole premise of assigning blame or deciding who’s the one to break up the family? That’s just so incredibly unreasonable imo. There is no guilty party here, they’re simply two people with personal differences.

Wanting more kids isn't 'nobler' than not wanting more. Whoever decides that they would rather end the relationship is the one 'responsible' for ending the relationship, though that's not to say that they are unreasonable for doing so. However, if there are already children and it's not an abusive situation, imho, it's unreasonable to break up an otherwise happy family simply because one person wants more kids but can't have them.

In your case, your husband already compromised by having two when he wasn't originally certain he wanted even one. I think YABU to focus more on the lack of a theoretical third child rather than the two very real ones you already have.

I would like another, my husband is done. There person that does not want the child calls the shots really. I am not resentful as we have healthy children and a lovely life. It is not be all and end all for me.

If had said no children (which he didn't) that would have been a different story. I always wanted to be a mum and made that clear from the first date.

How would he be breaking up the family if he said he would rather not have another baby? He's had the snip and can't have anymore children (not without either a reversal - won't necessarily work) or going down assisted conception routes where they extract the sperm). It'd be you breaking up with him if you left to find someone else to have another baby with, he's happy his family is complete. You can't say he mislead you either he said he wanted 1 or none, he has already compromised having 1 more than he originally said, he clearly never intended to have a large family. You from the outset wanted to have a big family, if it was so important you should have found someone who also wanted the same thing.

He sounds like a sensible guy, he knew he didn't want anymore children and took appropriate steps to make sure that didn't happen.

He’s had a vesectomy!

Who are you ranting at 😂 was you waving your hands about whilst typing ? Chill out

We sort of settled on three.

That "sort of" is doing a lot of work here.

What if he knew when the second was 4 months?

What has this got to do with anything and further more who are you to lecture to people what is important to others in regards to having kids?

My mum and dad grew up sharing bedrooms with siblings and HATED it and to them it was important that we had our own bedrooms for our own privacy and I really valued growing up and especially being a teenager, having my own space and privacy in the house and that's something that is important to me to provide to them as well.

Many parents know how expensive driving lessons are and want to pay for them for their children so that they have this life skills. The fact that your dad (him being a surgeon completely irrelevant to anything) chose not to, does not therefore make it unreasonable that other parents want to do this.

Some parents value education and ensuring their children have this experience. My parents helped me with house deposits and uni costs because they could and wanted to as was their right. Your dad had his way of doing things just as other parents have their way too.

cant b bothered to argue again, about men having all the say in the world 💐

See this is why I was always happy to be the main earner and also main parent - so it was ultimately me who arguably had the most say about how many children I had.

In what way would I be trapping my partner?

Doesn’t give you any more of right to say you want more children if he doesn’t (I’m also the main earner and main caregiver, I wouldn’t have pushed by husband for a third).

Yabu. No one has changed their position he didn't say he wanted 5 then changed his mind. If anything he sounds more the one who has been railroaded if he wasn't even sure he wanted any!

What an odd statement. Earning more money than your partner doesn’t mean you get to decide how many children you have.

Just imagine a man saying that because he earns more he gets to decide how many children him and his partner have?

It takes two people to create a baby and two people should consent to it. Not one person tell the other what’s happening just because they earn more.

@DaisyChain505
of course it does give you more say since the single biggest argument for not having more children is the financial cost. A cost that is usually being born by the father and it’s the mother not working/working part time etc. You can’t have everything- the Op can’t expect to want more children if she isn’t the one whose going to be paying for it

It actually beggars belief that a man who potentially didn’t even want one child went on to have 2 children and he be considered selfish and a home wrecker. Honestly love you are unbelievable and a massive red flag. Going from possible having no kids to 3 is not a compromise that would just be you getting your own way. 1 child is a small family, 2 kids is a normal size family anything above 2 children is a bigger family. He went from the position of being a couple/small family to one of a normal size, you came from a position of big family and he compromised. He had compromised the moment he agreed to 1 child. He then compromised again having a second and you never backed down from the stance of big family. He was completely transparent in his view. He went and had a vasectomy with your knowledge & 6 years later you throw all this up as if you’ve made a massive sacrifce & this is somehow his fault and now you’re blackmailing him. Wow, if this was your hubby writing in I’d be suggesting he was in an abusive relationship, you have done some major gaslighting. This is something you should have walked away from before having kids because you obviously didn’t align. I say this with only me trying to help you, get therapy for this behaviour because it’s not ok, that conversation you had with your hubby was not fair or justified

Yet you’re missing a major point. That the hubby went from a position of potentially no children/possibly 1 to having 2 kids. Life is a compromise. He hasn’t left her childless. He has compromised. Children aren’t fucking magnets to be collected, both parties need to agree because the responsibility of a child is huge & by the way when at a start of a relationship a partner tells you they don’t want kids or want a small family it’s up to the partner who wants the bigger family to make that decision.

This is a weird take

I absolutely agree. And I do not believe OP is entitled to more children. I simply wanted to show that poster how easily their arguments could be switched to support the opposite position.

They’re adults in a committed relationship and should therefore find a compromise they can both comfortable live with. Or acknowledge that this kind of compromise cannot be found and act accordingly.
keeping score and or trying to assign blame (aka who would be the one to break up the family) is just unreasonable imo.

he doesn’t have to have loads of children just because you want them, he said he wanted one or none and you have got three I think he’s been very fair to you considering he didn’t want any.

I meant to say you now have two not three.
also if you let this ruin your relationship when you knew full well what he wanted from the start and still ended up with more then it will be very selfish of you and a great shame for your existing children.

@laptopstanley You are not engaging with the discussion you started, is that because you are shocked at the general consensus that you are the one that is being unreasonable?

We are not trying to be mean, you have asked for our opinions and we can only form an opinion on the information you have given us. I can appreciate it hurts, when you want something and life conspires not to provide it, but sometimes we need to admit that compromises have to be made and he has compromised a lot (based on what you have said).

You clearly love kids, do you really want to put their future welfare at risk by splitting the family over this? Maybe try counselling to get your grief under control, because it does sound like grief to me.

Sorry but he initially wanted none… for me I would have split up then. Him agreeing to 3 to keep you on side wasn’t enough.

This is so reasoned. Especially when you can see he’s pulled his weight and is a fully committed father and husband. If he gives you everything he can and then says he doesn’t have the bandwidth then that’s important to listen to & I really think you both sound very suited. He’s open and honest and you’ve listened. I hope you’re forever like this x