To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

This isn’t one where he’s gone yeah yeah - I want loads from the beginning and totally strung you along, and left you with no children in your early fourties.
Theres been poor communication and probably some hurtful behaviour - like the vastectomy was at a vulnerable time but NOWHERE in your post have you sought to understand or really acknowledge his position.
Some therapy for you / both of you might be needed here?

They can't 'not want' a child that badly if they can't be bothered doing anything to prevent them being conceived! If a person doesn't want a child, then they need to take responsibility for that.

(That aside, plenty of women have one night stands and conceive, or relationship break-ups while pregnant, and decide to keep the baby even though the father isn't involved. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world, either).

He told you his position from the start and has already compromised it. You need to make peace with it.

The idea of leaving him and destroying your family to pursue another relationship with the potential to have another child is so beyond ludicrous it's not worth a second thought.

If he can't be arsed to prevent conception then he's probably not that bothered about having another child. When my dh was done having children and I wasn't the onus was definitely on him to prevent pregnancy, which annoyingly he was very careful to do.

If the father in this hypothetical situation doesn't want children then he will have to have a vasectomy or go without sex.

We sort of settled on three.

It was a serious mistake to only "sort of" get to an agreement before you continued the relationship and married him.

No, it is not true to say the one who doesn't want more DC is the one breaking up the relationship. Nor is it true to say the opposite. Neither is true.
If you were not both crystal clear in your agreement at the outset, you are both to blame.
If it was agreed clearly, the one changing their mind is to blame - but having said that people are entitled to change their minds, and perhaps it is not a question of 'blame' at all, just irreconcilable differences.

Either way the one who doesn't want a DC always trumps the one who does, so the morally correct thing is to not have any more DC.

He's had the snip. It's right there in the OP.

I think this is very hard because neither of you got what you actually discussed. It was a mismatch of expectations from the beginning. Both are equally difficult situations. You have two healthy children and I would focus on that now. I was very lucky that I knew that I only ever wanted one and wouldn't change my mind and my husband felt the same.

Surely this isn't the action of someone in a grown up, adult relationship?

Having children is a major life decision. You are responsible for them for a long time. Surely any decent parent would ensure the decision to bring a child into this world is one that is thought out and that the child is wanted by both parents. What sort of parent would want a child to be brought into this world knowing they weren't wanted by a parent or put them at risk of growing up being resented by a parent? Don't children deserve better than that.

Yes contraception is inconvenient but so can be having a vasectomy. But it's a lot less inconvenient than having a child that one parent never wanted in the first place. If one person doesn't want a child then both adults need to be grown up and have an adult conversation and plan about how this is dealt with rather than letting "nature take it's course"

So he was very clear what he wanted, already changed that for you and you are not willing to meet him in the middle? You’re being unreasonable as you knew you wanted different things but seem to assume your wants trump his. That’s not how it works.

Well sure but I wasn’t talking about him. I was talking about the impact on the child.

When your youngest gets to a certain age it's somewhat natural to think so I want another one, the same when you head to menopause, well at least for me and women I knew. Unless you have a good income and can afford a big house so they can all have their own rooms (they won't be happy sharing into teen years) and can afford to put them all the through university, driving lessons then yes you're being unreasonable. My daughters are in their twenties and living at home. I worry about their futures. Jobs are harder to get, renting, buying a home seems unlikely for them for now. They both don't want children as they think it's unfair to bring new life into this world, I can understand their thinking.
You are unfair to try and hold him to having three children. He didn't really want any. You have no real idea what being a parent is like until you are one, he's met you half way.

I'm not talking to the OP, I'm replying to the poster I quoted.

We can all have a hypothetical number of children that we want in our heads but reality is different.

I always thought I’d want multiple as I am one of four. Now that I have my baby who I absolutely adore more than anything in the world I’ve come to the realisation that I should probably only have one.

I would now prefer to be able to give my all to one. Emotionally, mentally, physically and financially rather than spreed myself thinly between more. I didn’t know this until I had a child.

I have also realised that me and my husband are lucky that our baby hasn’t effected our relationship negatively at all and that having a second could put strain on it with all the extra stress that a second child brings and this isn’t something I want to risk. Again I have only come to this realisation now I have one child.

I appreciate you feel like he is the one making the decision here, but I think number of children is never a fixed thing - you could find yourselves unable to conceive/carry a third baby (sorry, I know this prospect is very upsetting to suggest). Your finances/living circumstances/careers/needs of existing children/each of your physical and mental health/any other caring responsibilities all come into the picture.

I do understand the feeling of desperately wanting another child, but can you even be sure that would be satisfied after a 3rd if you originally wanted even more?

I'm not siding with your husband here as such - just trying to give you some other lines of thought to help you come to terms with something that should only ever be a "yes" if both people are happy to go ahead.

Well I have to answer your question but that’s because I was unable to have more than one nut of DH had left me because of it I would’ve been heartbroken

How many children can you afford to raise and support? Do you have 5 bedrooms in your home or can you afford a 5 bedroomed house? Do you have a car large enough to transport 5 people? Can you afford to put 3-5 children through university? If you cannot then I imagine this is the reason you husband wishes to stick at 2 children.

I would have loved hundreds of children but money did not allow for that.

The only families I know who have that many children are either very wealthy, or living in housing association housing and claiming benefits.

Who is going to father the third child?
It wont be your DH since he's had the snip. He was honest about how children he wanted. Can't you just be happy with the 2 you have?

your husband is being the responsible one. its one thing to keep wanting more children. another entirely if you can afford them! I always wanted 4. I stopped at two (my husband and I split) and thankful i did. They have had a great childhood and not wanted for anything. I could not have done that as a single mother of 4

@laptopstanley I think you are being unreasonable. You never know until you have kids how it will affect you and how many you can cope with but the fact is he didn't really want kids did he, so out of love for you he compromised, not a small compromise either, two kids happened, that s a very big give. He had a vasectomy, the decision was made and it wasn't a secret.

Its now time for you to accept the compromise was a fair one, no matter how unsettling it is for you. Remember he didn't really want kids and no doubt he loves them but he compromised to keep you and now its time for you to compromise with the two, to keep him. But also to give the kids you created the home they deserve.

I'm sorry but in this scenario, based on what you have written alone, if the marriage breaks over this, you are the one forcing it.

I feel very sympathetic towards you. I do know what it's like to want more children than you actually have. But previous posters are right. Your husband has compromised by having at least one more child than he wanted. Most of the people I know who are in your situation have had two boys and are hoping for a girl. I don't know if that's the case with you as well, but a lot of them have had to accept that they need help with their gender disappointment rather than to " lead" their husband into having more children than he feels he can cope with.

First post nails it

It's not good, I know!
I came off the pill 6 months ago because I said I'm not willing to continue messing with my hormones. We've had sex about 10 times since then because frankly I'm barely in the mood except at fertile times of the month and condoms are such a turn off. I asked him to learn about my cycle so at least I wasn't still bearing all the responsibility of tracking and knowing when I'm fertile but he's made zero effort.)
I hear what you're saying, and I wouldn't have another abortion - I actually had one 3 years ago :'-( - but I'm just about at a point now where I don't want to get pregnant (unless it was a shared decision) and it would cause so much stress for us all.

This

I know you said it's hypothetical, but someone who would seriously think of breaking up an existing family, making those children into a one-parent family, because the other partner doesn't want to bring MORE children into the not-very-stable family is awful.

If you broke up before having any because he wanted something very different to you, that would be absolutely fair enough, but waiting until there are two (already more than he wanted) and then insisting that he has to follow your wishes and go farther than he ever wanted is crazy.