To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

I really hope nobody would ever tear their children’s family apart for a hypothetical future child they may never even have. Absolutely diabolical.

Yeah if you ended the marriage over this it would 100% be you doing this to your children.

Yes. My husband and I agreed on 2.

Then we had our now 2 year old and when he was about 1, DH confessed that he adores DS, but didn’t want more kids. He found the new born stage hard, he is afraid that 2 will stretch us financially and emotionally. I have accepted this and choose to enjoy the lovely little family I have.

DH a wonderful father and husband - if he wasn’t I might feel differently, I suppose. But we are very happy together and I wouldn’t risk that. Tbh I could probably talk him into another baby, but that wouldn’t be fair on him or a future child.

Truthfully I don’t think it’s fair to hold someone to hypothetical conversations about the number of kids they want before you’ve had any - expectations and reality don’t always align!

This. How the fuck is 3 an acceptable compromise for someone who at most wanted one, and potentially didn’t want any at all but knew they wouldn’t get away with continuing the relationship with no children. It sounds like he was already compromising with himself by saying one, and then agreed to a second anyway to keep the op happy. It was stupid to continue the relationship if this was a dealbreaker. And I think two is an acceptable number to stop at, and people are allowed to change their minds. I didn’t want any at all until my oh changed my mind. Then it was the other way around until he put his foot down as I’d have carried on and he didn’t want that many anymore

No because having children is not the same thing as liking a spefic car type or wanting a beach holiday over a snow one

It is creating life and that ia not to be taken lightly

I’m not sure she needs to forgive tbh, he has already compromised on the number of children they have, and was clear he didn’t want a big family. If that was a dealbreaker the time to address it was before she decided on a committed relationship with him.

I say this as someone who desperately wanted (and am currently pregnant with) a third child but YABU, I'm really sorry. He's not responsible for "breaking up the family" if he feels like he doesn't want more children. Nobody is responsible for how everyone feels about it but a baby is very much a situation where both need to be on board.

Your husband was honest with you from the start that he wanted one child or none. He has already compromised and had two. You knew this and chose to stay in the relationship so it's not like he has hoodwinked you. I don't know why you are so angry with him when he told you from the beginning that he didn't want a big family.

You have rolled the dice already and have two presumably healthy children. Some people want them desperately and get none..... we don't always get what we want in life.

In your hypothetical situation it would be you choosing to break up your family not your husband. He's happy with the status quo and you're the one that isn't. I can't imagine being your children and knowing you split the family up because they weren't enough for you and you couldn't learn to be happy with your lot. I think that's really sad.

No-one should be pressured to have more kids than they want. Both parties have to agree.

YABU. Based on your behaviour, there are already three children in the family, and one of them is you!

We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.

He is correct. How very manipulative of you.

He put his cards on the table when you met him, and was upfront about not wanting a large family. You choose to ignore it thinking you could “lead” him otherwise, like a dog. And now it’s backfired on you. Good on him for having a backbone.

Be grateful and focus on the existing children you have, rather than spitting your dummy out and breaking up your family for a hypothetical child you may not be able to even have.

Came to say this 😂

It's really hard when people disagree on how many children. But in this scenario I do think it would be OP breaking up the relationship- he said one or none originally. That's a massive jump to three.

Also as PP have said its really really difficult to know before you've had kids how many kids you want. It's like before you've gone to a certain place on holiday, asking if you'd like to live there. You have to try it first. Before I had kids I had no idea how hard it would be, how all consuming, and how expensive

Yes in some families the woman effectively decides the number of kids. But I don't think many, and I'm assuming these are also the families where the man opts out of parenting since he didn't want them in the first place.

You're allowed to be sad that this aspect of your life hasn't turned out how you wanted but I'm not sure that assigning blame is helpful in these situations no one is wrong, you just have different feelings

No they aren’t 🤣. People are allowed to change their mind and have their own ideas. If people are that desperate for more children then they can get divorced and have children with someone else

I could see your point if he had intentionally misled you, but not if he has simply changed his mind. A couple should not have (more) children unless both people really want to, so in this case it makes sense to stop at two. If you want more, it is your right to leave and have them on your own (well, probably not completely unassisted!) or with someone else. But I don't think it's useful to place blame on either person; if you want different things and can't reconcile then a breakup is the logical solution and what would be the point of staying just to continue in the current impasse and avoid being "blamed"?

True I guess I meant let go of the resentment towards him.

I know, that sentence really stood out above everything else! What else she expect?!!

Why are you seeking to apportion blame?
What you said to him was appalling, tbh.

It would be you who would be breaking the family. Breaking the family with existing children for a vision of some hypothetical ones.

No-one knows how many children they will really want or be able to have. You started from a large difference, so it was practically guaranteed it will be an issue.

We sort of settled on three
This sentence is weird.
Sort of?

For 0-1 and 4-5 ending up with 2-3 is a matematical compromise. He tried having more children for you and it doesn't work for him, so two it is.

He wanted one or none and you have two! Sounds like he has already compromised.

I completely get about being upset about wanting a said amount of children and the feelings that come with this when it doesn't happen.

However there always seem to be posters on here like the OP who seem to think that having a baby is like getting a new pair of shoes and they can stamp their feet and demand what they want and husbands should just give in because it's what they want. Rather than realising they bringing in a living, breathing child into this world who deserves to be wanted by both parents with all the responsibilities that come with this.

It's refreshing to read about a man who's thought about how many kids he can raise and has been responsible and had a vasectomy.

I would bet the men who are led by their wives to have more children aren't doing an equal amount of childcare. They can use the get out of going along with having more kids to keep the missus happy. Much better to have fewer kids and two willing parents. If your husband is a good father, then enjoy what you have; if he had gone along with having a third child then that may have been too much for him and ended the relationship.

I just make a few assumptions:
You have 2 healthy happy children. You are financially & emotionally stable as a couple. You have enough living space for the 4 of you. You can offer your children experiences like holidays, clubs and days out as a family.

Considering all my assumptions, stick to the 2DC and enjoy having them.

Adding a 3rd with the min 6 year age gap will see you juggling teenagers and a young child with completely different needs. Someone will always miss out. (Been there, done that and got the T-Shirt)

Tbh you were never compatible from the start 🫤

My husband and I had originally hoped to have three children, however we ended up having long-term complex fertility issues and three rounds of IVF. We are now incredibly fortunate to have two children, I told my husband before the second was born that I’d changed my mind and didn’t want to try again for another child. He said he would prefer to try again but understood and if I was sure then he would be fine with that, just like if the IVF hadn’t worked he would never have left me to try and have children with someone else. If he’d told me that by me making what I felt was the best decision for my family (prioritising my health and the children we have) I was breaking up the family I don’t think I could have stayed married to him! I know he was disappointed and I feel bad about it but there’s no way it would be acceptable for him to try and guilt me into having another child.

I agree with this post, you each wanted fundamentally opposite lifestyles, it's not a sustainable relationship.
Arguing about something someone is imagining doesn't sound worthwhile.