To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

How does that work exactly unless you are on about being a single parent by choice and using some randoms sperm? I earn more than my husband, it doesn't mean i unilaterally decided how many children my husband would have. What a weird way to look at it. You make a decision together, the person who wants the least number of children is the person who has most sway. We all have the option to not have more children through contraception/or permanent means of preventing a pregnancy, so we can all make the choice for ourselves. I can't imagine someone telling me we were having another baby because they earn the most money!

No, whoever doesn't want another child calls the shots, whether it's the dad, the mum, the breadwinner, the lower earner or the SAHP. Because having a child is a massive, life-changing deal (and no, not just financially, in terms of time, energy, emotionally, in terms of the attention you can give your other children, how having a younger sibling will change the activities you can do with your other children, the support you can give them, hundreds of things, and children should not be brought into the world with a parent who's going to resent their existence. And of course the physical/health aspect for the mother).

So, you were the primary earner and you said no more kids, and that decision was the one that held sway (rightfully). But say if you were a SAHM and your husband wanted more and you didn't... you think his decision should have trumped yours because he earned more? And you should've been obliged to have another pregnancy you didn't want? Absolutely not! Or if you, as the breadwinner, wanted another and your husband said no? Do you think you should've had the right to override him and have a child he didn't want, because you earned more? Clearly not.

It's also a bit strange though how you view family finances... as though the one earning the money is the only one who would feel the financial strain of a third child..? The entire family would experience the financial strain, from the children having to give up clubs and wear second-hand clothes, fewer holidays and a downgrade in the level of Christmas and birthday presents they used to have, to the SAHP having to budget very carefully at the supermarket, go without treats, clubs and classes, clothes, nights out etc., perhaps have to walk and take the bus everywhere with all the kids and shopping because the family can't afford a second car... It's very bizarre to talk as though the one earning the money is the only one affected by the family's finances...

Sorry I am just trying to catch up with all the replies. I appreciate everyone’s replies and opinions.
I think when I wrote this thread I was feeling quite annoyed and upset with the reality of not having anymore babies and that part of my life being over. As well as feeling a bit resentful toward my husband as if he had been keen I think we might have had one more.
To clarify some points, when we discussed number of kids before marriage he also entered into the marriage knowing how many kids I wanted. We have compromised and I supposed everyone is right in that his was the bigger compromise by having two. I am not sure how serious he was when saying he wanted none as we had talked a lot about future children.
I just feel that men seem to get more of a say. They often are the ones we have to wait for to propose (yes I know women can propose as well) and the ones we wait for to be ready to have kids and then the ones who decide how many. I know this is a generalisation but I do think there is truth in it.

I am not on any benefits and we both work full time.
He is an involved and hands on father and a loving husband.
I won’t leave him and break up our family for a hypothetical third child, I love my husband and my kids. Of course I would rather the family I have than destroying everyone’s lives and I don’t want a random baby, I wanted another one of OUR babies, the magic of creating a new little person together and seeing my children be older siblings in a new capacity.

I am not sure I have covered all the points but I will try and finish the thread.
I think I am also probably peri which is making me feel quite emotional and angry.

genuinely thankful for the perspective though, I feel put in my place 😂

Men don't get the most say. The person who doesn't want a child has the most say, because they can (should) prevent a pregnancy and are (should be) in control of that. That also works for women. Don't want another child but a man does? It's on you to prevent it.

At the end of the day, no one should be entering into any lifelong commitments they don't want. Be that marriage or a child. If that means a partner who desperately wants those things leaves to find them, that's the leavers decision. And you're both entitled to make that decision. However, the one leaving would be the one breaking up any relationship, because they have decided their need for the thing their partner doesn't want is more important to them than staying together. Not the one who is happy to stay as they are.

I’d actually say it’s women that get the most say in this. My mum even said to me, I thought you’d have just done it (got pregnant) I recently had to take the morning after pill. I could have easily said I did and just waited to see what happened. But I didn’t, because he doesn’t want any more.

I'd say you would both be breaking up the family if you couldn't settle it between you, not one more responsible than the other. You are both parents. You are both responsible.

You’re being spectacularly unreasonable. This guy has been honest with you from the start, and you, yes you, would break up the family over a hypothetical non-existent child? Seriously, what benefit will that be to anybody involved?
And what will you then do, now single mother of two? How will you go about having more children? You’ll have little time to date as you already have young children, and the dating pool will be pretty small, mainly men who already have children from past relationships and men who’ve stayed single while barrelling towards middle age.
Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, the more I think about your post the more bloody ridiculous it is.
ffs.