AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

Are you kidding? They are feral and there is zero parenting involved. Your partner is a terrible parent. I'd leave now. Save your sanity.

Awful . I would end the relationship

It's not a good indication of what sort of a dad he is. Being a crap dad would be a deal breaker for me!

Christ I’d hate this. You can’t have kids with this man. I think it’s a deal breaker.

I wouldn’t tolerate that with a 3 year old let alone those ages 😳

I always told my children that their behaviour was a direct reflection on our family, my dh and I as parents. When children behave like animals people don't judge the children, they judge the family who raised them.
Throw this one back @TableManners21

There's only one answer to this. You need to leave. There is no future in this relationship. Even without the lack of parenting I do no know why would want to be in a relationship with a man with 3 young children. It'll be fraught with problems and compromises.

This is the point at which you run

He has shown you that he’s not willing to actually parent

For the love of all that’s holy, do not have a child with him, you’ll be doing it all

Is this a joke? Eating spaghetti with their hands. And you said what exactly?

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this?

End it.

You have first hand experience of what his parenting looks like. He won't be any different if you have children with him. You would come to regret it and it probably wouldn't take too long!

You want your own children, he already has three. I wouldn't even consider having a child with a man who a) I thought was a crap parent or b) already had three children.

He isn't parenting them at all. What a twat.

End it.

This is NOT normal in my experience. I think it is a reason to end the relationship, not only to save yourself the stress and embarrassment of eating out with them in future, but also because you say that you want children of your own, and you now know what a useless dad he'll be.

I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

When I was dating (in my early 40s; two children), I gave far less thought to how I felt about a man or the nice bits than what life would look like with him long term.

I would have ended it with this man. I ended relationships over far less. I held out until I found someone i was actually compatible with and who had similar values to me.

He’s not a parent he’s a jerk
chuck him back

His children are a reflection on his parenting skills, his attitude to those around him, and his willingness to put others before himself. Unfortunately it appears he has failed at all of these. I’m afraid I would find this a very unattractive quality and as others have said would be enough for me to want to end the relationship with him.

Run a mile 🚩🏃‍♀️

But he can’t be solely to blame for this behaviour because for it to be as extreme as you say, they can’t be showing good table manners with their DM and then eating like a pack of wild animals with their Dad. There might be a lot of silliness with Dad if he doesn’t parent, but no way it would be this extreme so their DM must be lax too. Ugh revolting.

Leave him OP. He already has 3 kids and isn't parenting them properly. Don't add more!

Run a mile from this guy. He's a shit parent - this lazy attitude will extend beyond table manners. He's not the one for you to have kids with and living with his badly brought up kids will drive you mad (and drive you apart)

Dump him. Or this will be your life.

This sort of thing is the downside to waiting so long to meet the kids. I know it’s the advice given so you can make sure it’s serious before involving them but it’s meant you’ve spent a year or more with an idea of who he is that’s completely wrong. He’s a disgrace of a parent and it’s now you’ve discovered it.

Run, run, run far away and don’t look back. As if any self respecting woman would have more kids with someone who’s been proven to be so fucking useless with the 3 he’s already failed got. Gross.

Listen to what everyone is saying, run for the hills!

Leave him . 3 badly behaved kids that aren’t your own is a disaster . Can he afford to have kids with you if he’s supporting his first family . This is how he’ll raise yours .

I'm struggling to find any reason why you would even contemplate breeding with this man.

Surely this isn’t real at their ages. They aren’t babies. What has he said when you have mentioned it?

I think you should talk to him. For everyone's sakes they need to be taught how to eat properly, politely and basically how not to be animals.

Pick a good , quiet moment and find a way to tell him..All the best