AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

It isn’t the OPs role to show the dad how to parent. This is the job of the children’s mum and dad which should have begun years ago.

Of course children today learn this stuff! My son was able to behave in restaurants from the first time he was taken, and so do everyone else's kids I know.

Last week we went out with my partner's mother and sister. Sister has two under 4s, and they sat still and behaved very well. Because they're TOLD to.

Me personally? I'd walk. This is a total deal breaker for me. I can't stand feral kids, and the fact he just sits there smiling. Not for me.

Hes a shit dad letting his be feral. Run for the hills.

End the relationship. This tells you everything you need to know about what type of parent he is.

Have you actually raised this with him? Because even if his children are neurodiverse this is unacceptable behaviour and needs intervention. If he thinks it’s fine for them to behave this way then you need to leave.

This is my response because I detest witnessing children with no manners.

If you disagree that's fine..It doesn't really matter what each of us individually thinks

You've even thought of ending things with him over this? I should hope so too.

I don't think that the OP will be back.

Edit to the above: not just what type of parent, but what type of person.

Absolutely selfish to the core to allow this behaviour when it impacts on others around. Just awful.
Please leave him.

They are brats & that's their parents fault (children are what their parents make them)

Watch & beware - this is how he will bring up any children with you
And they will have their half siblings example to follow, making it difficult to impose normal, civilised, behaviour standards.

Its lazy parenting - they will get worse as they get older

You don't have to put up with this. You cant change it when they have parents who are totally fine with this feral behaviour. If you are wanting a child of your own, doing so with this man will ruin your chances of growing them up with decent behaviour. How could you make yours sit and eat while the wild ones are running around screaming looking like they are having more fun. Also feral children at the table with no rules or boundaries could end up absolute nightmare teens

I'm not 1 who often cares what anyone thinks of me, especially not strangers I will never see again. But I couldn't stand the embarrassment of eating out with this lot and the other diners thinking I was the mum who let this happen.

YANBU. This is terrible parenting, and no wonder other diners are disgusted by it. At their ages, they are well old enough to not behave like this. You should not take them out to eat while they are like this, and tell your DP that you will not go out to eat with them because of their disgusting behaviour.

Ask him why he is not parenting them and making them sit down and use cutlery.

In your house, they have to stick by your rules, so tell them to sit down and no food anywhere other than the table. If they don't like it, they don't come round, or don't get fed.

I would probably end the relationship over this, as I have DC and they were not allowed to behave like this.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food

so you're not compatible on something of this nature - neither of you is wrong but its whether you will compromise or its a deal breaker

This doesn’t just show that he’s a shit parent though. If it did and the op wasn’t wanting a future with kids, she might just decide to keep casually dating without ever seeing the kids. But it shows that he’s deeply deeply selfish to the core. You are essentially ruining your own kids- because no one will like people who behave like this - because you can’t be arsed to parent. Selfishness is a horrible trait which will manifest in various ways over time, he will always put himself first. Really not sure why anyone would only be considering ending a relationship once they’ve found out about this trait. If I had been in a relationship and he hadn’t showed how selfish he was until the spaghetti or pizza date, I would have ended it on the spot and told him why.

Don't have this man's 4th child, please.

Tell him why you're ending things with him. Tell him you wouldn't sit beside strangers in a cafe who behaved like this. Tell him you are not spending any more time with someone who is so negligent of his children and disrespectful of you.

They might just be feral round their dad. My sister used to act like that on my dad's access visits when we were both kids, but she'd never have dared misbehave in front of our mum!

He needs to put his foot down. I'd have a frank conversation with him about it and if he really doesn't see that there's any problem at all with his kids behaving like savages, then he's not the one for you.

I hope he at least made them clean their hands before they got back in the car, his house must be rank. Yes, you could try and instill manners and the use of cutlery but do you really want a relationship where you're constantly nagging his kids and therefore ultimately the bad guy. I would be so embarrassed and it would be a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure that they do not behave that way at school, they just know there are no boundaries with dad.

He's showing you what a useless dad he is - would you really want him to be your child's dad? He would see no issue with them behaving the same.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!

Your post succinctly explains what a goddamn awful “parent” this man is, he already has 3 children that he doesn’t actually raise, just allows to grow feral and you’re suggesting having more kids with him 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why???

The earth does not need more badly behaved people on it. If you want to have children with someone, that’s great, but have them with someone who is actually going to parent otherwise your DC will be feral too.

This would be a deal taker for me. But I also would never form a relationship with a man who already had 3 (esp that he’s clearly struggling to parent) if I wanted children myself. Blended families and parenting are hard enough without all the multiple personalities and issues involved with so many DC (eg 5 dc if you had 2 more together).

Go.

Oh god, once would be enough for me. I can't stand it when children without SEN behave badly like that. As for him - what a bloody useless father he is. You'd be insane to look at his kids and think "Yes, I'd like one just like that."

But why on earth would you want to start a family with someone who has three children? Even if they behaved well, do you really think this would be the best choice you could make?

Raise your standards, OP. Dump him and go for someone who could bring up their children well. Don't make any quick decisions regarding children (I know how strong that urge to have a baby can be) but look at the new person in terms of how they'll parent - you have to have someone who thinks like you.

And one day you'll be out in a restaurant with your own lovely children and you'll see him with his kids and realise what a lucky escape you've had.

What can I do?

Run a mile. Definitely don’t have children with him. He’s a crap parent, nd even if he wasn’t do you really want to start a family with someone who already has three kids to ‘look after’ (using the term loosely) and pay for?

I would end the relationship with him. I can't be doing with kids who have no manners in restaurants and other places when out. At home they need manners too but it can be more relaxed.