AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

I might get shit but I don't think that someone who already has 3 kids is a good choice for someone to start another family with, he'd be spread very thin.

These mealtime shitshows make it even worse. If run and not look back.

Exactly. It's going to be a disaster

Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days?

No, you’re not, and children learn this stuff just fine, if they have parents who can be bothered to teach and reinforce it.

I had a partner that had children from a previous relationship. Their behaviour was such that I ended the relationship. I couldn't bring my own children into a world where they'd learn from and likely look up to those elder siblings.

You only have to look around any restaurant to see that this isn’t normal and that other, much younger, children use cutlery, stay seated and have table manners. This would be a deal breaker for me (tbh the fact he’s had 3 children with someone he’s no longer with would have been).

It’s neglectful parenting that’s setting them up for a lifetime of rejection as people just won’t tolerate this and so will not want them around. You can’t do anything about it as you’re not their parent. Get out of there and look for a different father for your future children.

YANBU!!! OMG that's awful.

Sorry but that would be a relationship breaker for me. He needs to teach his kids how to behave and be respectful, especially when out in public or at someone else's house!!

They are MORE than old enough to know better.

I would be telling him exactly why you have got the ick too.

I don’t get posts like this.

so I was reading through agreeing with you that it sounds utterly awful. Absolute deal breaker for everyone surely.

then we get to ‘so what can I do here’ ? Really?? Wtaf.

i was asssuming I might read something like ‘so obviously I’ve ended it as there is obviously no future here as I want to have children with a decent parent, but I’m just so sad as I liked him otherwise.’

I was expecting to advise something like ‘it’s sad of course but you’re right there’s no future. At least you’ve spotted it before he became the father of your kids.’

but.

Honestly you must end this. However much you love him this issue will not go away - it will be a perpetual cloud over your future together.

There is no answer. If you talk to him about it and he acknowledges the problem, the children will see that he has changed his attitude and become more strict and you will become the big bad witch. If you say nothing you will finish up enduring this appalling behaviour in perpetuity.

Better to bow out now.

It sounds as though the poor children are caught in the crossfire of confused expectations of them. That is sad, but not your fault and not your cross to bear.

If you carry on with this man, you can not justifiably come back and complain about you carrying all the mental load and being the only actual parent when you have DC!

His lack of care about their behaviour would put me off beyond repair, even without wanting (more) children myself.

Of course this isn't normal or how children are brought up to act these days, do you honestly think it is? 🤔

He's a shit, neglectful parent. If you have dc's with him, he will be a shit neglectful parent to them as well.

I am baffled at how you could sit in a restaurant, or in his home, with them all running around and not even ask him why he wasn't stopping them. I understand you not wanting to say anything to the children, I really don't understand why you wouldn't say anything to their dad.

Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days

Oh come on, you must know that this isn’t typical. Of course children learn not to eat spaghetti bolognese with their hands!

Don't have children with this shit dad.

That would be a big nope for me. Besides the fact it’s just quite unpleasant. Do you want this lazy man to be your future children’s father? This is what you are signing up for.

This relationship will end in disaster if you add another child to the mix. Waste not a day more on this man. You are not aligned in values and behaviour.

Personally, I would run a mile and not look back. Be relieved that you had fair warning about what kind of parent he'd be.

Think hard if you want these dc as role models for your own dc in the future.
End things op.
He is a shite df...

Don't have children with this man. You are absolutely spot on with your instincts on this. My children are similar ages (and younger), they eat with cutlery, can sit still at a table and eat calmly and would know never to run around a restaurant, throw food or make lots of noise around others when out. These are basic manners and expectations for behaviour, but guess what - they don't just ‘happen’, as a parent you need to go through the exhausting, repetitive monotony of instilling these behaviours and expectations when they're young. It takes time, effort and consistency and your partner is giving you a very clear indication of just how much effort he invested doing this (or not doing it in this case!). If you had kids with him, it would fall to you to be doing the work to instil good behaviours and if you think you're put off your partner now, just wait until it's your kids he’s permissively parenting, you won't just have the ick, you’ll want to take a hammer to his head! Don't do it!

This can't be real? Children as old as 12 not using cutlery at all? Not even for spaghetti? In public? I've worked with and personally known a lot of children in my life and never come across this. I'd say it's definitely reasonable grounds to end a relationship.

I would say, what’s more, that down the line, he’d expect the OP to parent his kids.

I would break up wth him. Now.
This will never get better.
Can't believe you want to have kids with this drip.
And you'll be fastened to these ferals forever. Madness.

Eating food with your hands is just not acceptable. They sound feral and Father sounds like a knob. This will only get worse. Get out now.

I'm not voting because YABU even asking the question.

DO NOT have children with this man! I'd be mortified if my child acted like that. The fact he doesn't care says a lot about him.

I’m sorry, I disagree. Thinking you can talk to him with the intention of changing him (and his kids) is a foolish thing to do. His eldest is 12 and nothing has changed in those intervening years. You have to leave.

@Thecomedyclub yes maybe she should leave anyway but given that OP might possibly be able to stop,.or slow down their descent into animals, I like to think it would be a good thing to tell it to him straight

I agree with everybody above but also: why are YOU cooking for HIS children in HIS house???

It's not just the shit parenting, it's also the fact that he doesn't give a crap that his kids behaviour is bothering other diners, which makes him inconsiderate/selfish/ lazy/totally lacking in self awareness and ill mannered. You can do better.