AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

He's a shit lazy father.
Why on earth would you consider adding to his feral count?

This is what he produces and this is what you would end up living with and cleaning up after.

You'd have to be absolutely desperate to move in with him.

Sorry!

Oh and this is not normal, my children sat at the table using a knife and fork aged 3, because table manners are very important.
He's just a lazy shit parent and the teen years will be hell.

I think there is a bit of a want in any woman who would consider a man with 3 children already.

So much work involved.
Too many men are looking for a skivvy aupair.

Be very very wary.

You leave.

Do not continue in the relationship.

Is there really any need for you to have a go at the OP??

I have the same view as everyone else LEAVE HIM.

One pro of dating a man with kids is getting a glimpse into how he parents before you have children together. You've now seen it with your own eyes. You cannot unsee this utterly useless parenting.

Just a heads up. This man has three children. He is very, very, unlikely to want more. Be careful he doesn’t future fake you. There are too many women on here who are childless not by choice because a man ran down the clock on their fertility.

You make a fair point but given his lack of interest in adequately parenting the children he currently has he’s exactly the type to keep having more because he doesn’t see the need to put any thought or effort into bringing them up properly.

My 2 year old certainly wouldn't behave like this whilst eating, yanbu!

Does he genuinely see nothing wrong with their behaviour or cba with the conflict?

You break up with him. You want children in the future, it cannot be with this waste of space. Consider yourself lucky that you got to find that out.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this?

Get the hell out of there, thats what you can do.
Set your bar higher for the type of father you want for your children.
Why would you do this to yourself?

Yes!

If you want to continue a relationship with your boyfriend, I'd back away from the children completely and do not socialise or eat meals with them until they are much older.

Tell your boyfriend why. He should know that his children's behaviour is abnormal and hopefully will start to discipline them.

God can you imagine what bedtimes are like with these animals.

@TableManners21 , What can I do here,...?
Say "This relationship isn't working for me. It's over. Goodbye."

Well.

Given a free choice I would not have my own kids with a father who was already committed to 3 other children that need to be his equal priority. Or bring my child into a blended family. I have no doubt that there are advantages to big brothers and sisters but IME when you are full of delight with your firstborn you want to live that life - not compromise days out to the needs of a 10 or 12 year old, or watch their dad go off to laser quest with the older ones when you wanted to go to the petting zoo. Not to be dealing with teen angst and GCSEs alongside my toddler.

I think its visceral and instinctive: I want my kids' Dad to put all his resources into my Dc - not be paying for CM, hols abroad and Uni years for 3 older kids.

You now have the advantage of getting a preview of his parenting, and it isn't good. But he may find it hard to go against the way the Mum parents. And part time Dad's tend to be Disney Dads and afraid to operate any restrictions or normal discipline. If there are issues with table manners there will be many other behaviours too.

Personally I wouldn't cope well with kids freely splattering my own home with spaghetti bolognese so living together will be difficult if this sort of thing bothers you and will eventually end up with you resenting the step kids and your Dp.

Don't get too close to the kids and make your decision fast - however messy they are it isn't fair for them to get close to someone who doesn't stick around.

Have you spoken to him about it? When they are running wild or standing on chairs, have you told him they need to behave?

This is not a man I could see a future with. I certainly would not want to spend any time with the DC.

I have to agree with the first post.

Maybe it is because you were there, and the rest of the time they are angels (Unlikely)
But even if it was the Dad just sat there, not noticing or caring.

Do you really want to have children with this man, or co -parent self children with him? He sounds lazy and inattentive... and also inconsiderate of you, since he didn't even appear to notice that you and the other people in the resturant were put off by it..

What was he actually doing during this.. .Staring into space, looking at his phone? reading the menu? Gormless.

The pp probably said what most of us are thinking and wasn't having a go at the OP.

No.. I'd explain it's not acceptable and see how he handles it. If not well, I'd not go there anymore - if you had children with this man you would be forever battling the best way to parent your children your whole life. The world does not need more feral children and sounds like you'd be far better suited with someone who shares your (very reasonable!) values.

That may be true if it was just one 4 year old, but there's three so he's had three chances. The eldest is twelve.. so he's had plenty of time to re educate them but hasn't.

I can see OP trying to educate them about good behaviour and the dad resisting because its too much trouble. He clearly hasn't realised that this will not help them in later life.

That is actually shocking. Why wouldn’t he say anything to them eg sit down, stop throwing spaghetti, use a knife and fork not your fingers? Very odd. Have you noticed anything else unusual about him or his views?

Their behaviour would end the relationship for me. Ick.

Well you'd be mad to want him as any more than a sperm donor, he's a lousy father !

Sorry, I would end it. A friend of mine married a widower with the same issues. He allowed his daughter to rule the roost and ignored behavioral issues. Marriage didn't last 2 years. She always felt on the outside, powerless and taken advantage of. She massively resented them. She did fall pregnant during the short marriage & had a baby. She despises that she now has to deal with him forever now that they had a child together. Run, run, run!

Hi - thanks all for the responses so far. For those saying “is this real”, sadly I wish it wasn’t but it is! I have tried to raise it with him, and to be honest he got quite defensive, said this is how they also behave with their mum (obviously I have no proof as I haven’t seen this), that they’ve always behaved this way and it’s very hard for him to try and change it when he only has them half the time. I felt that wasn’t acceptable, he can’t just be passive like that!

ive been trying to give the benefit of the doubt but all your replies have reassured me that I’m not BU and as hard as it will be, I can’t do this relationship anymore.