AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

You've been gifted a glimpse into your future with him. A lazy, useless father who can't or won't parent his own kids.
Run!

What I don't get is, how do feral kids behaving like this not annoy their own parents? It would drive me insane, Id want them to behave properly for the sake of my own sanity before anyone else's!

Being a step parent is hard but one good is that you get to see how your DP parents before having a child with them.
For me, I got to see that my DH was a great and hands on dad who was bringing his kids up in a way I would like to bring kids up. So I married him and had more.
Your DP is showing you what life would be like if you had kids with him. You get to decide if that's for you or not.

He's a lazy and useless dad, I wouldn't bother actively planning to have any kids with this useless oaf. He's already allowing his first three kids to behave like zoo animals he certainly won't raise yours to behave any better. Clearly nobody has taught these kids any respect or how to behave decently. They're more than old enough to know better but obviously those kids have two lazy useless parents. I bet even if you were to try to set boundaries with them your fella, the kids and their mother will throw it in your face that you're not their parent and that they don't need to listen to you.

More red flags than a communist march OP. Glad to see you’ve already decided to throw this one back!

Just look at the relationships board to find out what the future is like with a man who can’t parent. This one is doing you a favour and demonstrating it before you are locked in!

You are so mismatched!

Be thankful you know this now and have the choice to get away easily (as in no house/ kid together).

You are wise to be thinking of ending the relationship as it will only get worse. Could you imagine those kids picking up your newborn baby, all wanting to hold and play and dad letting them do what they want- or you are teaching baby manners to sit still while eating out but baby’s siblings are racing round?

Just not a match at all.

Bad table manners seem to be a thing these days. So many young people do not appear to be able to use a knife and fork simultaneously. It'starts with the parents , it won't get any better unless they put more consistent boundaries in. Its a shame for the children who have been failed .Rather you than me , do you need this stress in your life 😌

No way should children behave like that at their ages! I would steer clear as it would probably not go well if you were to intervene. Children of that age should be able to sit and eat in a restaurant without that behaviour. Parents need to bring things to occupy them (not electronics) and have time out if necessary. It doesn’t sound like it would be easy for you to deal with them if their father is not willing. It would be a no no from me.

This is totally unacceptable behaviour. Table manners are very important in the home and out of it. Meals should be a family sociable time, a time to enjoy food and have conversation. It is not the fault of the children if they have been allowed to get away with this behaviour, but you need a very serious conversation with their father on acceptable table manners and expected standards of behaviour. I hope your boyfriend agrees, otherwise I would seriously question the relationship and his own standards.

OMG I thought you were going to say these children were toddlers, but 7, 9 and 12 year olds running round a restaurant, playing with food and eating with their hands? How embarrassing for you @TableManners21 I'd be ashamed to be seen out with them.

Nope this won't get better. Just get rid. These kids are feral and your partner is a shit dad.

How will he fun 4 at university? Or really the situation is he / you don't have aspirations for these existing children or possible future ones?
It's ghastly that you would think a person neglecting children like this is even a good person, let alone partnership ready. Yikes

Leave now. End of relationship- done.

Move on asap. Do not waste any more time with this loser. These are your precious fertile years and every year counts.

Just start dating again.

This is why you should meet the children very early into the relationship. Don't wait until you have decided to be a couple and then be romantic in front of them while introducing this totally new person as their potential new stepparent. Soon as you think it might work, go out for a hike in the park/wood and then a meal, with the kids. Bad kids are a deal breaker and a waste of time.

I remember when I was young, if I was dating a man with kids, we'd all get together and go fishing, exploring adventures in the backwoods, then get something to eat. It was great fun for everyone. As far as our kids were concerned they weren't being introduced to new stepparents, but instead having a fun day with other kids and their mum or dad.

This waiting years is a ridiculous waste of time.

OMFG!!! I honestly don't know how you managed to sit there while those completely feral children were behaving so badly both out in public or with food you have cooked for them?!
Sorry but for me I could not be with someone who seems quite content to allow this behaviour, is it that he just doesn't care, can't be arsed to parent them or thinks it's normal, either way it would put me right off any thought of procreating with him! 😠
The most relevant and sensible thing is what you mentioned in the last sentence of paragraph 6 of your post! 😱

If you are thinking of leaving because of this, then you should leave. As they get older there will be other things happening as children and teenagers have challenges and this will be the least of your worries . As we all know blended families are really hard and other people’s children are even trickier to navigate . Step- parenting is not for the faint hearted, and your boyfriend doesn’t sound massively mature , this to me is the issue, not the children . They are being children and waiting for guidance from an adult. Perhaps they are playing up from the divorce who knows, but either way the adults in their life need to be committed and stable . If he doesn’t listen to your concerns then how will it ever work if other things crop up. You can’t really win as a SP but especially if the parent is not open to ideas or is defensive.

Run and don’t look back!!

Sibling has taken a gentle parent approach

@Hotdogsandfries I always think 'gentle parenting' is similar to 'no parenting' !!

Run...I've been there 💐

This is beyond awful I would have to say something I could not eat out or anywhere with kids or anyone like this... my grandaughter is 5 and has table manners there is no excuse for their ages they're not 1 yr olds messing with food .. id be embarrassed.

Haha, this is just the start of it. He is a lazy parent in more ways than just table manners I bet. Throw this one back pronto.