AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

Honestly a 7,9 and 12 year old eating spaghetti with their hands and running around a restaurant?

They eat spaghetti with their HANDS???

Of course you need to end it, fucking hell

Would you really want to be in a relationship with a grown up that you have to explain to how to parent?!? Raise your bar to someone who can work it out for themselves.

Absolute dealbreaker. He’s a shit parent and you will be stuck with the consequences of that if you stay with him. You won’t ever be able to parent effectively together, no matter how you try. Find someone better.

Dear OP
Have you not spoken to him about this?
I don’t get it. If he’s going to be your life partner you need to have these conversations Would you not say to him
‘your children have terrible behaviour, it’s embarrassing why do you allow it? I couldn’t have my children behaving like this. It’s shameful. If we had children together you would need to discipline/ teach them better’

Are you so in awe of him? Are you not curious of his odd parenting?

No I wouldn't. But I tend not to tell others what to do about their relationships, besides where there is clearly domestic abuse or similar.

More red flags than a labour party conference. Do you really want a child with this man who cannot parent his own feral offspring?

I feel really sorry for the children. It is a form of cruelty to let them behave in such a way and not teach them the basics. They must notice others don’t do as they do.
Both parents should be ashamed.

@LauritaEvita “This would be a deal breaker for me (tbh the fact he’s had 3 children with someone he’s no longer with would have been).”

Same for me. Why would you want to date a man who has three children?

Have you ever brought this up to your DP privately? If so, what’s his response?

Also why would you want to potentially become a first time mum with a man who has 3 existing children?

Ask yourself- If you had 3 feral animals for children, and he had none, would he still be in a relationship with you now after all this time? He wouldn’t. He’d go and find a child free woman (or at the very least, a woman who knows how to parent)

I can imagine how frustrating this would be especially when out in restaurants as people might think you’re the mother but you’re in the horrible position of wishing to have some control but aware that it’s not your job to parent them. It could be they behave at their mother’s but know their father is a soft touch so run mad there, or it could be they’re always like that - either way it doesn’t look good for your boyfriend. Do you ever try to bring it up? What does he say?

It gives me anxiety just thinking about raising a child in that environment. Young children look up to and copy their older siblings so it’ll be an effort to have your child behaving well when they’re around. Not to mention it shows you what kind of dad he will be. All the discipline etc will be on you.

This is only where it starts
No manners, no courtesy, no respect .... what next?! This is basic stuff.....there will be more. Get out now 😂

That's just not her responsibility though and she will never have as much influence as their parents.

It is not her role to correct their parents' lax approach.

Well if it were me I would make it my role.

Well more fool you for not wanting more for yourself in life!

He sounds a pretty shoddy parent. Imagine in a couple of years you had a child with him; that child would then see the behaviour of his other children and you would have a very hard time enforcing manners in your own child.
I imagine the table manners might not be isolated behaviour, so maybe have another think as to where you want this relationship to go if you are thinking of having children.

It is concerning that you need to ask us this op.
You're giving this man the benefit of the doubt but it's clear to us that there is no doubt.

I want children to have good manners. That's how I roll.

My exhs dc were feral..one of the reasons I refused to have a dc with him. Added bonus when i binned him was not seeing them.

You could talk to him and try to make him see how badly his DC behave but I doubt it would work, either their DM lets them eat that way too or they know DF a pushover who lets them get away with anything. He'll get angry and defend his DC then you'll end up breaking up anyway.
You can do better than this Op, a lot better

If this is real, terrible, terrible parenting. Zero excuse for this.

I would end it over that. Yes, really. You will be miserable living with someone who has raised his children to be like this.

Well, yes, so did I and thats why I raised my children to have good manners and to know how to behave in public, at restaurants etc. But would I have considered it my responsibility to take on the role of correcting someone else's parenting failings for the greater good? No.

I'd have ended the relationship.

Try to imagine what would happen if you were to have a baby with this man, his feral children would be part of the household &you would never be able to relax for fear of what might happen to the baby. This dreadful man would turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to anything and everything that the children did leaving you desperately trying to keep it all together.

Good for you. Or as we see here, you do you, whatever that means

End the relationship. He’s not the one for you. He’s a shit dad and an inconsiderate dick.

Did he not notice the chaos his children were creating when eating in the restaurant? Did he not notice the other diners getting annoyed and upset by his children’s behaviour? Did he just walk out at the end and leave the whole mess for staff to clean up? Most parents will pick up whatever food their child drops while eating and wipe the floor. They won’t just leave it. At the very least they’d offer to staff to tidy it up and ask for paper towels (kitchen roll?) to wipe up with and the staff would probably say it was okay and that they’d do it.

What about the spag bol meal that you cooked? Most parents would insist on their children sitting down and being polite about the meal the new person has cooked for them. Did he tidy up their mess afterwards and make them wash their gross hands?

Just because he has the children about half of the time doesn’t mean that he’s a good dad. He just doesn’t want to be paying child support. I assume having them for half the time means that he pays none or very little.

You can do better. You deserve better and so do your future children.