AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

Yanbu AT ALL. This is relationship-ending stuff for me, what a massive ick that he thinks this is acceptable.

My DH parents like this - our shared child.

Shared Child has ADHD/sensory issues perhaps - unless they were just born allergic to cutlery and manners, or enjoy pissing me off.

I have to sit there, not able to enjoy my own meal or have a conversation, on their case, every mealtime, repeating 'cutlery please - table manners - spear the chicken with your fork - small bites - chew with your mouth closed - get another napkin - no that's not yours - no you can't have tomato ketchup...'

It's boring and relentless, which is why he doesn't do it. As a result, Shared Child thinks manners are optional and I'm just having a go for shits and giggles, while their father 'understands them'.

Run for the hills.

So he’s only had them 50/50 their whole lives?! Despite the fact their ages span a number of years? Most likely him and his ex are crap lazy parents so they have turned out feral and they do have the stones to stand up to them

I would throw this one back. It all sounds like A LOT of hassle and that you can do much better

The benefit of dating someone with kids, is that you can already see how they parent before you commit to having children with them.

I’ll put my tin hat on but I don’t think I could take on other people’s children - perhaps if they are grown and live in their own homes but even then I’d have to really think about it. I’m just not cut out for that kind of selflessness.
These particular children sound an absolute nightmare and it would definitely put me off any relationship involving them.
Obviously I don’t know for sure but he doesn’t sound like dad of the year.
Having said that I couldn’t be with anyone who abandoned their children to be in a relationship with me - that’s even worse.
ps I do have children that I love to bits and would do anything for them but it did take several years of marriage to decide I was grown up enough to have my own children.

Ask their father what kind of adults he wants his children to grow up to be.

Does he himself have table manners and know how to act appropriately?

You would think the 12 year old at least would have some kind of self-awareness enough to realise that other people at the restaurant weren't acting like that and it wasn't right.

I would end it, if this were me, but not because of the children’s behaviour, more his lack of parenting.

They aren’t behaving this way because of your presence. They behave this way because no one has taught them not to and/or their parents can’t be bothered.

How unfortunate for those children and how embarrassing for you.

If you had kids with this guy in the future, he would be an absolutely crap dad and all the hard stuff would fall to you.

LTB and don’t look back.

He doesn't parent his children. (I hate that term, but it seems to fit).
OP does the cooking at his place. 🙄

OP, your boyfriend sees you as a nanny with a fanny. FGS, move on. You are seeing exactly why his previous relationship failed.
I hope you don't think anything will be different and better with you.

You have been warned.

What a good point - a bit like try before you buy.

Leave him now @TableManners21 . Do not be Maria Von Trapp(ed)

Hopefully he will ditch you beside them and you won’t have to worry about feral children or having children of your own.

sorry Op, but there are always 2 sides to this kinda of story. I have a toddler and the thing I notice most about eating habits these days are the amount of kids/families who are on screens. (No judgement) I just don’t see the wrong cutlery, or disruptive behaviour you are taking about from a 7, 9 or 12 year old!

Two words... LEAVE HIM

Their parents don't care. It maybe that they were the same as children.

You need to throw this one back OP. It won’t get any better. Three kids, feral, permissive parents. Why when you don’t have to would you put yourself and your future children into that situation? Sod that.

First post nails it. This won’t get better. Say goodbye to Disney Dad and find someone with some sense. You definitely don’t want children with this guy, so don’t waste precious years trying to make it work.

I am with the others, YANBU.
What he can do is tell them not to. Tell them they won't go to restaurants if they can't behave, andstuck to it. Have some punishments for throwing food around at home. Talk to their mother about it.

Do they do this during school lunches? If not then clearly they can behave when they want to.

But don't hang around because this won't be solved any time soon and he's too far gone by now. Leave him to it.

OP, are you exaggerating in any way?

@August1980 @Newyearawaits Try looking up posts from hospitality workers on this site.

You might be surprised to know this happens a fair bit. One of our friends didn’t like the way the children spoke to their mother and he corrected them. Was told to mind his own business and they weren’t his children.

so there ended that relationship.

im pleased you are honest with yourself though. Children are a package deal.

by all means tell him, but I think I you know where this is heading.

No. I haven’t specifically said it’s because XYZ because it would be pointless.

Sibling has taken a gentle parent approach and believes it is everybody else’s problem if they don’t like their child’s behaviour.

No no no no times a 1000

Sorry,but if your partner is letting them behave like this,he is a useless parent. I'd think very carefully about continuing a relationship with him.

Find a man who doesn't have kids. And set your rules out before you get pregnant.
Note-your kids might have disabilities or additional needs (even if no one in your or his family do), so while there's no excuse for taking out kids who are throing things at people, I know some lovely parents with kids who physically can't use cutlery, and probably some people say they didn't bother trying to teach them.

Seen this situation before whereby a man with young kids latches onto and moves in with a decent women

For somewhere to live and convenience.
Not saying he doesn't love you but you do suit his present needs.

Get rid. He sounds like low life.

I broke up with someone for this same reason. It was uncomfortable and he had no interest in improving it