AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

Do not procreate with it. You’ve seen for yourself he’s a shit dad. Why would you stay?

Good god. I raised my DS to have good table manners because eating out, even when he was little was important in our family. No one wants to deal with other people's children running around, making a mess and/or noise when they are trying to dine.

Someone I knew used to allow their DC to eat anything with their hands and they are still shocking as adults at the dinner table.

I'd end it. He isn't parenting and he won't parent any DC you have with him.

"Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there?"

No, because if they didn't do this the rest of the time and were playing up, their dad would show surprise and read them the riot act

My son is 12, there’s a few things I insist upon in life; eating at the table, nice manners, be kind (but not a doormat) and try your best.

Have you spoken to your partner about this? What did he say?

If you have a baby with this man, he will raise him/her to the same standards.

Run from this shit dad who's looking for a bangmaidnanny.

If kids are throwing food in a restaurant, the family is asked to leave.

But he is wrong. He’s a useless parent raising feral children.

Honestly @TableManners21 this is his standard of parenting and you are clearly not compatible on this. It will not improve because it simply doesn’t bother him. Even if he decided to be more strict in his time as parent, that would have to be because he knows they are badly behaved and not to please you. Otherwise you will get the reputation as ‘bad cop’/evil step and there will be resentment on yours, his and the kids’ side.

If you do carry on and they come to you, you CAN say ‘we sit at the table to eat here’ ‘we don’t run around during meals’ and so on so they learn ‘your house rules’ vs Dad’s and Mum’s house rules - I think his reaction when you set boundaries in your home would help you see if he is responsive/supportive (good) or reactive/defensive (bad for future of relationship).

I suspect this won’t work long term. If you didn’t want kids, I’d say carry on if you want but don’t live together.

He is a shit dad, and I imagine his ex is pretty shit. I can guarantee this behaviour is not just around food either, but all aspects of their life are a free for all.
End it and save yourself years of future frustration, and frankly, disgust.

Absolutely. There is no way I would tolerate this. Have you told him that his DC.’s behaviour is appalling?

This. At the first episode of this, I would have stood up, paid for what I had had and left, blocking him en route.

Have some standards! He has failed at one of the most basic acts of parenting so what sort of father do you genuinely think he will be?

I was born and raised in a council house but all food was at the table, no elbows and good manners, table and otherwise or I would have known about it, from a really young age.

Run, OP. For the love of God, just RUN!!!

The question to ask yourself op is do you want to be a stepmother to these kids? And have them 50% if the time?

Fuck that, run for the hills.

That’s the crucial thing: he would devolve every scrap of child-rearing to you. Then inevitably his ex will start trouble on account of your trying to impose your ‘snobbish’ attitudes on her faultless little angles (sic).
Get away on the next bus or move counties. These dreadful people should not pollute your life any more.
Christ, what does our future hold?

On the spot? What can she say at this stage that wouldn’t cause a public scene with both them and their feckless father?
(However, shimmying out of the little window in the establishment’s Ladies would be a clear message that she couldn’t tolerate their company any longer!)

You have different standards and values. He and their mum have 'raised' these children to behave like this. Unless you want this to be your life going forward, you should get out now. If the chilren can't/won't listen to their parents, what hope do you have in instilling good manners and behaviours in them. God forbid you then have a child of your own, who will be getting mixed messages of what is acceptable. Also, to be frank, you partner is a shit dad. His children are a reflection of their parents. You haven't seen everything yet, because if they behave so badly when eating, I doubt if they are any better the rest of the time. I'm sorry, I would be running for the hills.

I have three children younger than this and they wouldn’t do any of these things because they are not animals. Sure kids will be kids and some messing about is to be expected but this behaviour is unacceptable.
planning to have a child with this man is a bad idea as he is obviously a very lazy and neglectful father.
he’d also be stretched very thin financing three other children and spending time with three other children, so there would be less left for your own child.

If I'm honest, I'd probably just end the relationship. Obviously YANBU to have a problem with this, but I don't think many people will calmly and rationally listen to someone complain about how poorly behaved their children are, much less make the effort to train them to behave properly as a result of said complaints. He'll probably be defensive, but even if he accepts that he's raising a pack of feral kids, he's unlikely to be any good at correcting their behaviour. They didn't get like this overnight, and the kind of parent who allows this isn't the type to whom effective parenting and discipline comes naturally.

So yes, I'd just end it now.

OP will condemn herself to life as one of Frank Gallagher’s enslaved side pieces if she isnt careful.

YANBU, my boyfriend doesn’t even have any children and I’m put off by his nephews’ behaviour, which then puts me off his sibling, which then sorta puts me off him tbh - I know rationally is nothing to do with him, it’s just grating sometimes.

Of course he is wrong, and there need be no reticence here in saying so, surely.

There is honestly nothing you can do here except end a relationship and move on. He has just demonstrated his parenting skills or rather his lack of parenting skills.

My children have never done that at any age. I would be absolutely mortified if they ever did. It's not normal. Either he deals with this or end the relationship.

Leave. Whether I was a man or a woman, that would be a lot to take on with that amount of children. I say this from having 3 children myself. If you cannot cope now. I don’t think it would get better unless he abandons his children which would not bode well for your own future children.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do.

This is the strangest part of the post for me. I mean, I guess it never occurrs to anyone that they might meet a man with 3 feral children who throw food in restaurants and eat spag bol with their bare hands whilst chasing each other around the table. It's quite specific. But to be surprised that, come to think of it, you don't like it? To have somehow assumed that if and when it happens, you'll probably be fine with it? That's bonkers!