Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

Missing the point here but her mother doesn't have weekends with her at all?!

I think you were incredibly foolish to get back with him in such a complicated situation when you don’t even have kids of your own? As you will see you are second, as it should be. But if you had your own child you will easily see how kids don’t tend to follow a rigid schedule all the time. I would just walk away from this situation as there really isn’t much in it for you

There’s a lot to unpack here. I’m assuming DSC is 5?

Firstly, there’s the broader relationship point. How is your relationship with DP? Do you feel you’ve truly got past everything that happened in 2020/21?

Second, why do you have DSC every weekend? It’s inevitable that eats into your time together - surely it’s better for DSC to spend some time with mum that isn’t Mon-Fri?

Third, surely you can have intimate couple time in the week - unlike parents of a kid together you can go out to dinner and have a shag on a Wednesday if you fancy without needing babysitters?

Fourth, you’re right that a consistent bedtime for a 5yo is a good thing, but it’s not the end of the world if occasionally that system slips. I’ve just got my 4yo and 6yo down but there will be Saturdays where it goes a bit haywire.

It sounds on the face of it that DP is trying to be a good dad and the contact schedule reflects that, but equally I’m wondering if there’s a deeper issue (with DC being concieved during your break) - some resentment on your part and/or DP overcompensating and being a bit Disney dad.

That said you get 5 nights a week as a couple so I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re not getting couple time.

It's normal for bedtimes to be a little later at the weekend.
Normal for weekends with small children to be full on as well.

But you should definitely expect some date nights - why not book a babysitter yourself?

The 9.30 bedtime for you seems the strangest thing to me. It's only 3 nights a week that you have a child, why are you going to bed so early?
You're getting a full night's sleep all week 🤔

What about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday evenings? Can you not have a date night any of those nights?

The 7.30 bedtime isn't going to last much longer anyway, as your stepson gets older it will naturally become 8.30, then 9.30.

If you want to have a serious relationship with someone with a child then you need to understand you come second. If you want regular dates and 1 to 1 time and all the focus to be on you (nothing wrong with that) then you need to date childless men

I thought that too. Highly unusual.

Could be lots of reasons why a weekday/weekend childcare split works - dad works in the week, mum works weekends for example.

It seems like this relationship has run its course. How old are you both? 7 years and you havent got married or had your own child but he has one with someone else...

Bedtime can be a pain with kids, it's harder to get date nights in etc. I dont really think this is the issue but the wider situation is

This was my first thought! It always astounds me when one parent gets no weekend time.

Your DSC needs a better routine than the one his Dad is providing - it sounds as if he's keeping his child awake to maximise family time with him, rather than keeping him to normal bedtime. That's not prioritising his son.

And you deserve your DPs time and attention too. You sound like a very loving and involved step-parent, but it does sound like your DP is taking you for granted.

Also, as a PP said, it seems unfair that your DSC never has a weekend with his mum, which would also give you couple time.

Do you want to have kids with your DP? You're living the life of a parent, and sacrificing a lot for him and his child.

we have DSC Friday night to Tuesday morning (when DP takes them to school). So 4 nights. Our work hours are different: I am 10-6, DP IS 9-5, I have a 1 hour commute and don’t get home until 7ish. DP is teaching music 630-930 on the days DSC isn’t here (tues, weds and Thurs). There’s no real time together.

DSC mum can’t have them for various reasons at the weekend, too long to explain.

I don’t expect dates. I just want some
time to feel like a couple. We’ve had a handful of dates this year and it feels like a slog.

Do you want kids / plan to have kids of your own? Life with children in the house is just different to life before kids. It has to be. It's just a fact of life.

There is nothing stopping you throwing on a movie at 9pm after he's gone to bed... nothing stopping you being intimate midweek...

When kids are involved you need to improvise and sometimes find intimacy in different ways.

Yes, consistency for 5yr olds is important but a later bedtime at weekends is also perfectly normal.

I’m surprised they are still going to bed at as as 7:30 at 5, I think 8:30/9 is more typically from all the 5 year olds I know including my own. Especially on the weekend

she gets up at 5am 😭 DP and her mum tried to adjust to a later bedtime but it didn’t work and she just kept getting up at 5am, very tired and obviously exhausted, so the time reflects her getting enough hours

You got back with a man who shagged around after you'd been broken up for 2 months and you're now asking for advice? Lol. Also you have 5 evenings a week together, I'm struggling to see the issue around time for intimacy.

Thanks for your rude reply, if you could read the thread properly you’ll see we have DSC 4 nights a week.

Parenting young children is pretty much like this! My husband and I had several years of working opposite shifts and basically just doing handover of the kids.

Gently, I’d say that’s the reality of life with a child, it’s the same for me and DH with our two. But of course, they’re my kids, so I don’t feel cross about it.

Completely get that with that work schedule you don’t feel like you have much time together. Is there any scope for DP dropping one night of music so you can have time together?

You’ve taken on a lot with getting back with him and now being second behind work and DSC. A lot of women wouldn’t have stepped up and it’s admirable, but how is the relationship outside of this?

Yabu

You have dsc 2/3 nights a week at most so you have the other 5/4 nights a week to have couple time.

Although I don’t understand why an amazing father wouldn’t want 50/50?

How is it rude? Did you or did you not get back with him after he shagged around for 2 months?

Sorry 4 nights a week......

Tbf four, from what she's said. But other than that, yes, I'd have run a mile...

8.30pm bedtime and get a clock for her bedroom - she's old enough to know she is not allowed to leave her room until 6.30am.
If you get a groclock you can do it in stages, first set it for the light to come on at 5.15, then 5.30, then 5.45 etc to train her.

I think that your DP is trying too hard to be exciting Disney dad at weekend and you both need to start imposing routines and 'safe/normal' attitudes. Yes, it's the weekend (and this is almost more special for adults because of the stress of the working week) but if your child is spending every weekend with you then creating habits and routines will be even more valuable to the child than exciting, spontaneous fun type activities every week. Children value safety, boundaries, routines, not treats and activities non-stop all weekend. This time in their lives is a marathon, not a sprint. And - almost as a byproduct - when you have a child who is settled in a good routine, you'll also benefit as a couple. But you need to frame it to your partner as the best thing for the child, not for your own needs.

It does sound like your partner is either parenting his child or working.

you say he works 9-5 but teaches music 6:30-9:30 on the evenings he doesn’t have his child.

that leaves basically no time for you.

it’s not unusual for bedtimes to be a bit flexible on the weekend. The main issue to be honest is that your partner clearly isn’t prioritising any time with you at all.

given his working hours and how much he has his son he’s probably exhausted - is money tight? Is that why he is working so many evenings?

I'd assume the theme park isn't every weekend - but movie night, trip to the park/dance class, going shopping, roast with grandparents sounds like a fairly normal and mundane family weekend.