Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

Why can’t mum have some weekends - even is she works then - not sure is that’s the case - but very strange to never have your child fri to tue

you didn’t have dc so not really sure why you got back the 2nd time you split up as it’s a lot to take on and complicated

yes a routine /bedtime is important - 5am awake is crazy but at 5 quite capable of being quiet /going back to sleep with persistentence and boundaries

once child is asleep why can’t you shut their /your door to have sex

and open it again after

so due to partner working the evenings you don’t have child you never have time together alone

no reason why you can’t have date night and have granny or a babysitter once a month

sounds like you do a lot. Does he ever do stuff alone with his child or are you more mum then he is dad

if you want kids I don’t see this getting any better and would seriously think about ending it and finding a new relationship

OP, please listen to the posters on here. I know it must seem very difficult for you to leave, but you will bitterly regret wasting your life on this man and his situation.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, me and my partner got together when my elder daughter was 5 and it was always a priority for me to keep consistency and routine even at the weekends so that we could have an evening together and also because I was knackered!

It's admirable that your DP wants to spend so much time with his child. However, this is very much to the detriment of your relationship and I would be re-thinking the relationship and probably making plans to leave.

He was very quick to have unprotected sex with other people after your split up and your relationship has completely changed due to his careless sexual behaviour. I wouldn't be able to get past this.

This is not a life I'd want tbh. Yes kids come first but it sounds like there is no accommodation initiative or compromise from DP. It sounds like there is little keeping you together other than the focus on the child.

My 5 year old is in bed at 7ish on a school night, not necessarily asleep we read books usually and then he’s normally asleep for half 7. On a weekend he does tend to go to bed later but I think 5 is still quite young for a later bedtime during the week when they’ve got school.

The issue of why you got back with him twice aside i think this is a parenting /relationship issue. You DP doesnt make any time due to work and childcare for you relationship and when this happens even in a relationship where you are both the parents of the child it causes unhappiness.
Sit down with your parnter and explain how never having any time for each other and your relationship is making you unhappy and decide together if you can/want to resolve that.
Could you organised grandparents to have DSC overnight once a month?
Could you close your bedroom door for a while once a week?
Could you get a babysitter now and again?
Could you encourage DSC to entertain herself for a while when she wakes early? eg: Ok to wake clock,quiet activity tray,snack box.
As the DSC mum only has the child 3 nights on school days ,she doesnt get the time with the DSC that your partner gets ie 4 nights and all weekend (non school days) Could that be tweaked to be fairer to both parents? Eg: one in 4 weekend where the mum has a day and a night. Or at least ocassionally?
If the answer is no to all of these things,you will have to face the fact that your partner doesnt want any quality childfree time with you.....if thats the truth you have to decide wether thats something you want to carry on with.
Also,if you want to have children yourself at any point( unlikely considering you cant close the DSC bedroom door for 20 minutes!) consider how that would impact the current dynamics.

I finish work in time for school pickup, teatime is 5, or earlier if we are out at clubs. Obviously if you arent home from work til 6.30 then clearly it cant be done lol

You have bent over backwards to forgive and are actively helping to bring his child up, that just shows what a forgiving and lovable person you are. You need to prioritise your own happiness too though because your partner isn’t interested in working on the relationship or prioritising an evening a week for you. Everything in the relationship is on his terms, you are being treated as an outsider yet are bringing up his child far more than the mum is and your feelings are just being ignored and dismissed as though you are his maid.

Well it seems relevant. OP is taking on the identity of 'step mum' and making the expected sacrifices of that role while not only is she not married to her DP, she is treated like crap and as though she is not a priority. As other PPs have asked... why is she even in this relationship?

*(sorry, double posted this reply but forgot to use quote feature last time)

@Disappointee there is nothing in this relationship for you.
You need to think again.

If your husband wanted intimacy,date nights ,ect
He would make time for them
He makes time for the child , because that's what's important to him
I think your flogging a dead horse with this man
You don't factor in his top things of what is important to him
You keep asking for the bare minimum,and he keeps knocking you back

There is a whole lot going on here, but your weekends sound totally normal for life with a 5 year old. Except it’s not your 5 year old and you kinda only half signed up for this.

Dh and I don’t get any time alone on the weekends. I mean like right as we get into bed, but that’s about it. 6:30 is early for a 5 year old to be going to bed. I was only just cooking dinner then because people are usually busy or at work until 5/6pm on an average day. At 5, mine went to bed about 8:30pm every night.

And just wait til they are teens! I don’t get home from collecting them from friends and sports until 9pm several nights a week and they don’t go to bed until 10:30pm. You get less time together, not more the older they get.

Surely, you enjoy your romantic date nights on your 5 childfree nights each week?

For the love of God, will people please read the posts properly before making inaccurate comments. The child stays with them on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night EVERY week. They have THREE nights a week when the child stays with their biological mother. The OP’s partner works on those three evenIngs. So not much time for “date nights” even if he was bothered, which it doesn’t sound like he is.
OP, I don’t even know you and I want you to leave him so you don’t waste any more of your life.

You’ve got a husband problem. As many people are saying life is different with a kid of course it is, but everyone still needs to work at their relationship even when they have. Children. Otherwise it won’t work out. You’ve rightly said you expect him to put his son first, but he should definitely still be putting time and effort into his relationship. Most couples who have children together make time for each other, even if it’s a few date nights a year. Or a meal together when the child is in bed. It shouldn’t be any different becuase you are a step parent. It does sound from what you have out though that the relationship is rocky at best.

I think you've realised that the couple time and intimacy would be well and truly out the window if you brought another child into the equation now because you already have to devote so much to the stepchild.

You're still not reading it all, on the 3 nights they don't have the child her DH is teaching music lessons. So they do not get any relationship time together.

Your DH should stick to the normal bedtime as much as possible, it's better for you and a lot easier for the Dsc so they don't get overtired.

It’s there no way of alternating weekends with
mum every now and then?
Honestly I don’t think I could have stayed in this relationship, and if you have changed your mind about this situation then that’s ok, too

I think the key issue is whether your partner thinks there’s a problem and is he willing to work on a solution to help the relationship? Appropriate bedtimes and closing the bedroom door aren’t unreasonable suggestions but it resulting in rows sounds like he isn’t willing to compromise. Of course he’s a dad first but he is also a partner and there should be some appreciation of what you’ve taken on.

Some suggestions for more time together:

• A sleepover at GPs every other weekend for DC
• He drops one of the teaching sessions per week
• You agree to both use half a day of annual leave per month for a proper date day/night

All of this will need him to be on the same page in seeing the importance of time as a couple. If he doesn’t, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

Also, how do school holidays work? Surely it’s split between you and the mother and you can at least carve out some date nights or even breaks/holidays away together during those times? Not ideal but he has DC more than 50% of the time, so having more focused, dedicated time together during the half terms/holidays every couple of months might be more realistic at this stage than regular date nights.

It sounds like the mum is having it easy with kids away every weekend; I would be pushing for every other weekend. Also sounds like DP is prioritising everything but your relationship. Is this really the relationship and situ you want to be in?

He is using you and making his child the excuse. Sorry, but you are not getting the respect you deserve..l personally wouldn't stay with him.

You're not unreasonable to want a weekend with your DP, but you're unreasonable to expect it from this man. He is a father first and foremost- you need to find someone without children.